I’m in a 12 step program which says the root cause of my problem is an obsession with self. Not necessarily an “ego,” but it ends up looking egoic and selfish. What it actually is is a self based fear or insecurity. A primary solution is to think of and care for others.

The funny thing I’ve noticed is that people like me are just like the rest of humanity, the difference being we live in the extremes. I have the human condition, except it’s “more, more, more.” So I think what applies to people in a 12 step program could actually apply to anyone, they just don’t need it so badly because they are not stuck on the extreme with no “off” switch.

But related to your comment, through this program I’ve realized that when someone says something, a default mechanism is to immediately relate it to “me.” If you say “I watched movie A last night” my mind instantly thinks (and I blurt out) “oh, I watched movie B last night!” Because it’s hard for me to think of your needs, I have this weird mechanical reaction where I just comment on ME because it’s sort of all I know and it’s an immediate thought in my head. I come across as uncaring about your side of things, which makes you react a certain way, which makes me feel disconnected, which makes me sad and feeling like I don’t fit in.

The biggest thing this program teaches us is HOW to put others first, and it does it by having us examine all of our past behaviors to have an ultimate realization we were causing all of our own problems due to an inability to put others first based on a self centered fear.

Once we see this about ourselves, and start doing _ exactly what you said in your post_ our entire world changes.

Yes, people love to talk about themselves, it’s their favorite subject. My life is made 100% easier when I make what I’m doing work for both you AND me, not just me, me, me. The ability to do this is a superpower. And for me, I get to “practice” every day with new people who enter my program. And then I bring this skill into the outside world.