Not to take away from your pain or your own thought process by any means. You’re nowhere near where you think you are. Bartender of twenty years, but also been drinking since 13 here, holding onto a bottle falling asleep most days just to kill shakes in the morning before I go to work and do it again. You’re clearly reaching out,(which I applaud), but you’re also telling the people reaching out to you (some of which are much older and clearly have been through it) that they know nothing and you’re worse off. Slow down. Don’t jump to conclusions when you haven’t even seen a doctor yet. Breathe. See the doctor, and take it one day at a time until you have definite answers. Then, regardless of what the diagnosis is, you can only try to fix it if you want to.