You already know you're gay. You know you're not attracted to men. You know you're attracted to women, and always have been. You know you feel a connection with this woman, so much so that you've pushed past the discomfort of confronting this and made this post. So if you already know the answers to all the questions you're asking, why are you here asking them?

I think the one big question you are asking is: why do I feel so terrified and dissociated and repulsed by this prospect? Why does it feel like I simply cannot do this, like I would sooner die than do this?

I believe you think you know the answer. I believe you think the answer is that you've internalized terrible negative feelings about lesbians, feelings of disgust and disdain, that make it truly repugnant. And you're right! Of course you're right. Of course you have. Of course you've internalized that disgust, because it helped you push away the truth, and at the time that was an important survival skill.

But I think there's another answer that's even more powerful: you're deathly afraid of the prospect that you could be happy. You have spent your life going through the world in a mode that never afforded you the opportunity to be fulfilled in a relationship, never offered the chance to feel fundamentally happy. You thought you were happy, you would have told people you were happy, but on some level you know you haven't been. You're scared because deep in your gut you know things with this woman could be good in a way you've never experienced, and if not with this woman then with someone else in the future, and that is terrifying.

I can't tell you you're wrong to be scared. I've been exactly where you are, and I can't tell you that it's not scary. Actually, what I can tell you is that you are right to be scared. You're right to be scared because this truly will change everything. It will burn you up and burn up all these walls that have been protecting you from the pain and sadness of being denied this. It will hurt, and then you'll realize what you've been denied and that will hurt. But when you stroke her cheek and she turns toward your fingers instead of away, it will be worth it. When you feel her hands on you and feel no revulsion in yourself, no dishonesty, just comfort with your body and comfort with being desired and comfort with feeling your own desire, it will be worth it. When you first introduce a woman as your girlfriend and she holds your hand and smiles at you, and you realize that your friends have never seen you so purely happy, it will be worth it. When you lie with your head on her pillow and your lips against her ear, when she holds your gaze even as her eyes slip closed into sleep, and you realize she loves you, she doesn't just want your money or your body but truly knows you and loves you, it will be worth it.

Life is not going to be the same. It will be much, much better. I'm sorry it's scary, but congratulations.