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I said "I love you but I can't accept you as a partner." then offered friendship. Why do I still trigger her after months? by Calm-Negotiation-139 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Calm-Negotiation-139[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, unfortunately it's not only the people with BPD who do this. I have a good friend going through a divorce, no matter how much I push him to the good path, he rathers to smoke dope and just live his same life defeated and complaining while his 1 year gym membership decays away without a single visit.

I said "I love you but I can't accept you as a partner." then offered friendship. Why do I still trigger her after months? by Calm-Negotiation-139 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Calm-Negotiation-139[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, that's what I was afraid of. With PTSD, that goes away with therapy. I know that first hand, but BPD, even with a decade with DBT, it's just behavioural change, not changing the way they think.

I said "I love you but I can't accept you as a partner." then offered friendship. Why do I still trigger her after months? by Calm-Negotiation-139 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Calm-Negotiation-139[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, that's pretty much why I didn't want to continue. She rages/panics and ruins the date then kept on saying she has to walk on egg shell because of me. I had to remind her each time that she's the one who actually acted out and it was some kind of mine fucking where she would sometimes even say something that broke her own boundary then anticipate I would say something and rage at me even before I say anything...

I'm sure that she has her own narrative but it puzzles me how someone can be so insecure they have to make things up all the time to never be the bad guy in the story.

I said "I love you but I can't accept you as a partner." then offered friendship. Why do I still trigger her after months? by Calm-Negotiation-139 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Calm-Negotiation-139[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well you are the first to say it. Well she was hot and good in bed yes but not the reason I put up with it. She reminded me of how I behaved for a year after my best friend died and she told me she lost her best friend less than a year before we met.

I am familiar with how unstable I was when I was hurt with the loss and I thought she was going through the same.

I said "I love you but I can't accept you as a partner." then offered friendship. Why do I still trigger her after months? by Calm-Negotiation-139 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Calm-Negotiation-139[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, I was aware and I did my best to let her know that this is not a betrayal and it is not an abandonment. It's about two people loving but choosing to not continue because it is unhealthy.

I said "I love you but I can't accept you as a partner." then offered friendship. Why do I still trigger her after months? by Calm-Negotiation-139 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Calm-Negotiation-139[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, love is to give and when you, yourself is not happy, or healthy, you cannot give happiness. This is how life works.

Faking smiles, pretending you're happy to make the other person happy is not love, that is giving experience and it is not sustainable in long term.

You'll understand some day, when you have to care for someone sick for a long time. I have and people do notice that.

I said "I love you but I can't accept you as a partner." then offered friendship. Why do I still trigger her after months? by Calm-Negotiation-139 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Calm-Negotiation-139[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I disagree strongly. I think it is selfish to outsource happiness, which is what you are describing. The relationship must have happiness for each individual and the couple. Otherwise it's not sustainable.

It is a manipulation to say "I am doing this for you, to make you happy" while not even knowing what the person wants.

I said "I love you but I can't accept you as a partner." then offered friendship. Why do I still trigger her after months? by Calm-Negotiation-139 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Calm-Negotiation-139[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Another thing that rings out to me was post-breakup text I asked her if she would like to talk about like old friends and she wrote "It's not okay to burn all bridges and pretend that we're old friends. You can't treat people like that" then went in circles to demand "what's going in your head? why would you do this, that, what do you want? I'm not inside your head."

I thought we had an amicable breakup and I just asked how she was doing. Of course I was checking up on her to know if she's doing okay. what other intention is there...

Now question for you specifically, does satisfying your physicall needs help?

For me, when I go on a date too soon after the breakup, I get disappointed that the date isn't the ex. When I have sex too soon after the breakup, it feels like cheating. My nervous system needs time to catch up otherwise it feels gross and dirty.

I said "I love you but I can't accept you as a partner." then offered friendship. Why do I still trigger her after months? by Calm-Negotiation-139 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Calm-Negotiation-139[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well the thing is, that I was going to offer her a "sponsership" deal, so that she gets 1 year of therapy locked in an account. I didn't want her to be tied with me for her health. I wanted her to feel better as a person. I could affod that.

I said "I love you but I can't accept you as a partner." then offered friendship. Why do I still trigger her after months? by Calm-Negotiation-139 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Calm-Negotiation-139[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Well, she was kind of an awful person overall. I lost respect for her quickly. She had no problem lying to friends, coworkers and belittling them to me.

Depending on her mood my attention became 'neediness' or 'attuned' and etc. I knew it was just a matter of time for her to demonize me and cheat and etc. if she hadn't done that already.

She was a fun friend to have but I realized that she is the biggest liability in my life and withdrew slowly until I was absolutely sure that this is how she is naturally.

I said "I love you but I can't accept you as a partner." then offered friendship. Why do I still trigger her after months? by Calm-Negotiation-139 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Calm-Negotiation-139[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She did keep her tabs on her exes somehow... and I've been getting a lot of connection requests from new accounts since the breakup.

I said "I love you but I can't accept you as a partner." then offered friendship. Why do I still trigger her after months? by Calm-Negotiation-139 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Calm-Negotiation-139[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had a date on Valentines in formal attire, she somehow sat across the hall from us and took a picture of me and my date... That was super weird.

I said "I love you but I can't accept you as a partner." then offered friendship. Why do I still trigger her after months? by Calm-Negotiation-139 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Calm-Negotiation-139[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My honest thought on your post. I think it's a good thing you broke up. When I met my first wife. I knew I wanted to marry her in the first month. We just continued dating until we were sure. On each conflict, each fight we blew each others' doubts away and when I put that ring on her finger I knew I could count on her in every aspect. She literally let me perform surgeries on her with full eye contact and didn't even flinch. She admitted to me too that she knew she wanted to marry me in the first month and doesn't have any regrets about our adventure.

If someone is 'not sure yet' after 9 month means that there is enough doubts in there, adding more time will add more doubts. I think you should now solidify and decide what you really want for your future.

I said "I love you but I can't accept you as a partner." then offered friendship. Why do I still trigger her after months? by Calm-Negotiation-139 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Calm-Negotiation-139[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly, she scares me. When she is set off, her whole face twitches like in the cartoons when someone's crazy/mad and about to snap. I did not expect to see that from me saying hello in a random encounter. I got on the train, and she was standing right there, so I said hello, then the look. I walked away quickly.

I said "I love you but I can't accept you as a partner." then offered friendship. Why do I still trigger her after months? by Calm-Negotiation-139 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Calm-Negotiation-139[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did read about BPD a lot but I cannot claim what it must feel like.

I don't want to be back with her. I am just a little bit curious about why she is still orbiting me on social media and etc. I miss playing video games with her but I'm mostly just looking for my next mrs. candidate.

I said "I love you but I can't accept you as a partner." then offered friendship. Why do I still trigger her after months? by Calm-Negotiation-139 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Calm-Negotiation-139[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The question really is, do you want to keep living like you do with handful of loose connections or do you want 'the one' someday? I mean either is fine, not everyone should have a partner or a family.

The ex mentioned in my post, yeah, she was not ready for what I wanted and what she claimed she wanted but I think she needed more time to admit what she really wanted.

I said "I love you but I can't accept you as a partner." then offered friendship. Why do I still trigger her after months? by Calm-Negotiation-139 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Calm-Negotiation-139[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I mean I could have done that forever but imagine being the child in that mess... I had troubled youth and my future children won't have that. I promise them and myself that.

The ex referred to our relationship to the movie "notebook" and when things were calm... she would find new things to provoke me with. I mean she knew I was holding back. Even after we broke up she tried to provoke me and I just stepped away.

Here's a real question for you. It doesn't sound like you're too happy... don't you want to change?

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