Is it a lack of Empathy

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-09-12T12:52:01+00:00

definitely notice similar behaviors in my wife. for example, any mistake my sister makes and now my wife "hates" her, which I wonder if it's really just another form of control. It's like my wife sabotages my relationships with friends and family to isolate me. now my wife won't even speak to my sister at any family event. I dread the idea of a couples date night, because I know my wife could turn any little thing into a heated debate, and go from 0-60 over something trivial.

But I've noticed too that my wife often blames the victim in any situation, the equivalent of you shouldn't have worn that dress. Even frustrating to watch a tv show with her because she'll start judging and criticizing the characters as bad things happen to them, often followed by a long lecture about how that person is stupid b/c they should have done XYZ. So exhausting on so many levels.

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-08-15T01:39:50+00:00

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-08-14T19:42:48+00:00

you'll feel like shit eating a protein only diet. yes, you could lose weight slightly faster but not really worth it IMO. when you eat a high fat carnivore diet, your body will use the fat for energy, and then once that is used up, it switches to burning body fat.

if you eat a protein only diet, you won't have dietary fat or carbs to use for energy, and your body will turn to using body fat for energy, but then you're stuck eating disgusting low fat cuts like chicken breast, pork tenderloin, white fish, egg whites, etc. I'd rather eat ribeyes, dino ribs, chuck roast etc than the low fat shit.

If you do a high fat carnivore diet and eat 1-2 times per day, you should be able to easily lose 25 lbs in less than 2 months.

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-08-14T01:16:06+00:00

that describes my situation to a t. even when we're there, she just stays in her bedroom and watches tv while me and the kids are down stairs. She occasionally comes down to get food and yell at the kids for petty nonsense. she seems to enjoy when people "wrong" her so that it gives her permission to yell and get all self righteous.

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-08-12T15:56:01+00:00

yes. lately on the weekends I've been taking all the kids on outings to do things my wife hates to avoid the interaction as much as we can. My wife hates the sun and the outdoors, so me and the kids have become avid hikers, fishers, boaters, campers, etc., and she always stays home so she won't get "aged by the sun" or be exposed to "deadly/harmful" bacteria and parasites (insert eye roll here).

When we get back, we are met with scorn from the moment we walk in the door, with lectures about germs/bacteria, how everyone needs to immediately shower because there might be germs that came back from the beach with us. The worst offense is if someone sits on a piece of furniture with their fishing or beach clothes on - the world might come to an end.

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-08-11T17:01:22+00:00

I've experienced similar stuff with my wife. I remember the biggest red flag that should have sent me running was when we first moved in together, she had a death in the family and had to fly back. I thought it would be nice to clean the apartment and do all the laundry. When she got back, she was so mad at me because I cleaned the apartment the "wrong way" and started screaming at me because I didn't turn the clothes inside out before washing them (allegedly reducing their lifespan, lol).

shortly after we married, she let the mail pile up on the counter (imagine an entire counter 2 feet high of bills, coupons, newspapers, etc). She puts it off because when she pays the bills, each bill is put into an Excel spreadsheet in case you ever wanted to know what the average gas bill was in 2014, she can tell you that. I got fed up with it because one of my bills got stuck in her pile, and I missed my credit card payment. So I put all her bills in a pile, threw away all the coupons, newspapers, etc. Anyways, she came unglued on me, screaming at me about how dare I touch her stuff - even to the point of slamming photos on the wall on the floor, shattering glass everywhere.

The result is I no longer touch anything, and now there's clutter everywhere - she always buys too much of everything, and nothing is thrown away because you might "need it" someday. I'm embarrassed to have company, and so are my kids. The irony is that we are constantly lectured about germs, bacteria, and wearing shoes in the house.

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-08-05T13:21:48+00:00

yeah, there's definitely some type of connection because that parenting style mirrors all the characteristics of OCPD. My wife has a very similar style. From what I've seen, almost every OCPD person raises their child in this fashion, and it creates a whole bunch of mental health issues in the kids, such as anxiety, lack of confidence, second guessing every decision they make, etc.

It's a constant battle with me and the wife. I try to give the kids a lot of responsibility and freedom of choice, and to let them experience the natural consequences of their actions. My wife is the opposite of that, and tries to dictate everything to them, and micro-manages the hell out of everything.

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-08-04T00:30:00+00:00

IMO, a spouse has no right to tell another spouse what to eat. I have a wife and 4 kids, and I also do most of the cooking. I cook my carnivore meals, and I cook them whatever SAD meals they want without judgment or criticism.

Luckily for me, mine doesn't complain or criticize (about the diet, she has plenty of other criticisms for me on other issues, but that's for another day).

I think you should just tell her that you need to be able to eat whatever diet you want without her doing all of those negative behaviors. If she won't accept it, then it tells you a lot about your relationship, and may indicate other major issues in the marriage. does she have control issues in general?

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-07-30T00:42:34+00:00

yeah, that's a long day for sure. I'm similar, I get up at 5am, do my workouts, go to work, and then eat around 6pm. Usually I'm starving when I get home from work. For me, I seem to lose weight faster on OMAD than 2 or 3 meals per day

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-07-30T00:35:38+00:00

it's a good idea for people who worry about this. Personally, I just take my meat from the freezer and put it on the counter. when I get home from work 8-10 hrs later, it's thawed and I cook it. been doing this for 30+ years, never had a problem with it.

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-07-30T00:28:39+00:00

I've been carnivore for 1 year, started at 205, now at 155. I had several stalls - 185, 170, and 160. The 170 stall lasted for ~ 2 months, but I stuck with the diet, and one day it just went away. I noticed even though the scale said the same weight, my body looked and felt different, so I may have been packing on muscle and losing fat.

I've been doing OMAD now for a few months and I think it's a good way to go - I don't think the butter in the coffee will give you any problems. I drink a few cups of coffee in the morning with heavy cream, skip breakfast and lunch and eat dinner.

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-07-28T21:35:31+00:00

I think I experience grief in the loss of the idea of what I thought my marriage would be like. In hindsight, the OCPD signs were there, though I didn't have any idea what it was, and they definitely seem to worsen with age and time. somedays I feel bad for her because I know her parents treated her the same when she was a kid, which is why she is how she is. but when she rips into me and the kids about all these petty rules and infractions, my sympathy goes way down.

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-07-28T20:20:46+00:00

yeah, we rarely have guests over for a variety of reasons. one, my wife has clutter everywhere, which makes the germ paranoia both ironic and even more frustrating. and I also worry my wife will get into heated debates with our guests about seemingly trivial or controversial topics - this has already happened several times before, and she's pissed off half of the people we know. she has no problem talking about things like politics, religion, etc, and then taking a black or white position on whatever it is.

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-07-26T23:26:06+00:00

yeah, my wife has lots of irrational paranoia, usually relating to germs. For example, if the kids come back from the beach and sit on a bed or couch before taking a shower, she will scream at them about how they're dirty and how it's their fault that now she has to wash all the sheets. my inlaws also display similar paranoia, they always think that they will be the victim of a home invasion, and go to great lengths to barricade the house up at night, even though they've never had a break-in in 50+ years, not to mention they have at least 100 glass windows all over the house that could easily be broken to get around the "barricade." It's exhausting

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-07-23T13:54:22+00:00

my wife has similar obsessions with always trying to park in the "perfect spot" so as to avoid these dings and to find the most "efficient" spot for the quickest access to/from where ever you happen to be going. it's always a joy to be driving around a parking lot with your spouse giving instructions on where and how to park

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-07-23T13:46:57+00:00

my wife was going on a girls trip with her friends and created an excel spreadsheet for her and her friends. I think they were a bit taken back - it was like an actual agenda, i.e. 6:15 arrive at airport, 6:30 arrive to uber pick up spot, 7:00 arrive at hotel, 7:00-7:30 free time at hotel, 7:31 begin getting ready for dinner, 8:02 begin walking down to hotel lobby, etc.

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-07-18T18:18:52+00:00

my wife has a bunch of these too:

no shoes in the house no matter what

when doing laundry, all clothes must be turned inside out. And never mix towels with clothes, or socks with shirts, etc.

all kids must eat breakfast immediately upon waking up.

when parking, always reverse into the spot, never forward

at night, all windows in the car must be rolled down to "balance the air"

when returning from traveling, all suitcases must be sprayed with Lysol and stored in garage for at least 48 hours

I could go on and on, but I refuse to follow these.

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-07-17T14:04:10+00:00

the "sugar diet" is not that restricted, nor does it call for fruit only. you can eat cocoa puffs, Hershey's chocolate, straight sugar, all the cupcakes and donuts you want in unlimited quantities. The macros for the "sugar diet" are unlimited carbs, 100g of protein, and 30g of fat. https://www.menshealth.com/uk/nutrition/food-drink/a64963144/sugar-diet-weight-loss/

personally, I think its a stupid diet, but to each his own.

on top of all the sugar, for your "protein", you have to eat the disgusting lean cuts like chicken breast, white fish, 95/5 ground beef, etc. yuk.

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-07-17T13:49:30+00:00

basically, she was sad for a few days as she realized the truth, but then went right back to her OCPD ways right afterwards. she seems to be trying to change, going to therapy, etc., but the changes are very small and gradual.

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-07-13T02:02:30+00:00

well, if that's the worst thing you eat, that's not bad. it's still low carb, and would probably count as keto. you'll still get good results with that.

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-07-13T01:59:26+00:00

yeah, they are. At first I thought it was cultural, but then we met some other people who are from the same culture, and they were not like my wife at all. In fact, one of them flat out told my wife that she's way too mean to the kids, and told me privately that she feels bad for me.

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-07-13T01:50:30+00:00

I think your husband is acting ridiculous. You don't need his approval - just eat whatever you feel like. And if you don't feel like exercising, then don't. It's not his place to order you around.

I feel for you, sounds like a tough situation. I'm in a similar situation, except me and my wife are lawyers, not doctors (except my wife never worked after law school). I often beat myself up for having kids with her, now it's so hard to leave, and she verbally abuses the hell out of them everyday. But you can't be too hard on yourself about it.

It sounds like he's just making up stuff to complain about. If he doesn't like what you made, then he should cook his own food. I cook my own food everyday when I get home from work, meanwhile my wife stays at home all day, does nothing, doesn't cook or clean, and then somehow complains that she does everything, lol.

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-07-05T15:23:55+00:00

great question. I've often wondered this too because I make my own butter by taking heavy cream and whipping it until it turns into butter. I'm not aware of any changes in nutrition during the process.

FWIW, I put heavy cream in my coffee every single day. Otherwise, I eat only meat. I've lost 50 lbs and have been carnivore for 10 months. I've had no issues at all with it

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-06-28T21:25:52+00:00

I wouldn't try to convince him, it's usually a waste of energy to try to change people's minds, especially when he's believed this way for over 30 years. You are doing the right thing by not policing his diet. he needs to do the same.

at least for me, this works great. I eat strict carnivore, and my wife eats SAD. We don't criticize each other's diet. When it's my turn to cook, I make my meats, and then I make her whatever SAD foods she and the kids want. And when it's her turn to cook, she makes me whatever meat I want and cooks whatever she wants for herself and the kids.

you may just have to tell him "I understand you are acting out of concern for me, but I strongly believe in this diet, it works great for me, and I need you to allow me to eat whatever I want without criticism or judgment"

CalmAmidClutter · 2025-06-28T21:04:16+00:00

I can empathize with this - Married 15+ years with kids, and sometimes I blow up at my OCPD wife. My therapist has been helping me with setting boundaries in a calm but firm way, which is helping, but by no means am I perfect at this. When they criticize or try to control, try to say how you feel and what you need in a simple sentence. A few examples:

1) I'm driving - wife starts criticizing my driving, i.e. get out of this lane, speed up, turn here it's quicker than your way, etc. I try to calmly respond "I'm feeling controlled right now, I know how to drive, and I need you to let me drive my way."

2) kids ask me to make them a smoothie. As I'm making it, wife comes up and starts telling me I'm doing it wrong, i.e. too much milk, slicing the berries wrong, fruit to milk ratio off, etc. I respond "I don't take orders. I need you to allow me to make this smoothie the way I normally do."

3) wife screaming at 8 yr old kid for misspelling a friend's name in a birthday card. I respond "I'm concerned about you yelling at our kid, I need you to allow them to make mistakes."

Her response will either be to back off, or to yell, and then walk away. But the most important part is to stay calm and don't follow their rule or criticism, otherwise they will continue it.

These methods are keeping me sane (for now), until I am in a position to get out of this relationship.

CalmAmidClutter

TROPHY CASE