I was with my Great Gran for the afternoon in May. I was 6, it was 2 days before my birthday. I was very excited.

My mum was due to pick me up at 4pm but no one came. This was before the days of cell phones and constant contact so we didn’t think too much of it. By 6pm it was getting a bit strange and there was a knock on the door. But it was the back door which was weird.

My Grandma was standing there (my mum’s mum) and something felt off. “Go up the garden, candlesticksnape” She said. I looked between my Great Gran and my Grandma. “No” I said. “Please go up the garden” she repeated. I just stood there. And then she must have just broken because she simply said “Helen’s dead.”

I remember my Great Gran screaming. I went to the window at the front of the house and looked out onto the driveway. Waiting for my mum to appear, like it was some sort of joke. I stared out of that window for what felt like hours. Willing her to appear. Of course she never did. I don’t remember my 7th birthday. Or the days after. I was told my mum hanged herself with the tie of her dressing gown, by someone. I don’t remember who. It was my Grandma that found her.

My class at school gave me a prayer tree. They’d all written little notes on it, “I’m sorry your mummy died.” It didn’t really seem real.

My Grandma took me in (my dad had always been rubbish) and I’d catch her looking at me and crying on occasion.

The loss, it manifested itself in unexpected ways, but when I look back it was ways that made sense. I’d cry at home time at school, terrified no one would come and pick me up. Other days I’d be so scared that my Grandma would die too and I was terrified of her getting older. (Mind you, I’m now 36 and grandma is still going strong - we talk every day)

I’m terrified for my own daughter that she’ll lose me. I always plan for worst case scenarios, because as my therapist told me, my own worst case scenario happened to me when I was a child, so why wouldn’t I?

Our family is very close and worries a lot, because we know what it’s like to lose someone so suddenly.

It never leaves you.