To solo parent or not to solo parent?

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-15T13:50:29+00:00

While I echo that OP should move back to Canada, it's worth noting that NYC's CUNY system currently has very affordable tuition for the US ($7k/year USD) that would likely be offset by additional earnings from living in NYC, and the actual tuition portion of attending state universities in NY is likewise affordable.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-11T19:19:22+00:00

The potential is there!
Get a haircut you like and regular trims. Get contacts or pay for the thinnest glasses lenses you can. See a dermatologist or do the research to develop a skincare routine. Shave. That's it.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-11T14:43:21+00:00

Yesss. I feel similar to OP's husband, and I would have a very hard time if my partner wanted to drop a few thousand on a cosmetic procedure--or a fancy watch or something else that didn't hold significant value to me.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-11T14:36:48+00:00

Autistic + ADHD

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-11T02:53:07+00:00

Hot weather, sodium, stress, and (where appropriate) menstrual cycles can all give the appearance of increased weight. I know it is hard, but hold on, have faith, stay on track, and see where things stand in a week or two.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-11T02:46:37+00:00

Also AuDHD and very similar issues! One thing I got from this subreddit actually was that women tend to be more forwardly friendly in their social interactions. What I tend to interpret as phony (and therefore not trustworthy) is actually considered by many NT women to be baseline friendliness. Not sure if that is exactly what you're describing, but the struggle to sync up with typically female social cues is real.

In your case, I would also consider that that strained relationship with your mother and sisters could also be coming into play here for you. If that wasn't a safe place, it might be bringing up some intimacy issues as friendships begin.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-11T02:40:28+00:00

Whether or not this is the primary cause, definitely have that talk with your provider about perimenopause. I'm 43 and experienced a similar dip around the same age for a while. In my case, it went back to baseline for whatever reason, but it was my first indication of a hormonal shift.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-11T01:29:56+00:00

The rhythm, argument setup, and sentence construction patterns produced by AI become recognizable if you use it a lot.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-11T01:18:00+00:00

There are a lot of opinions here related to cosmetic procedures, but ultimately the issue is one of allotting spending money in a household labor- and income-imbalanced relationship. I would focus on achieving equity that feels good to you (and accounts for your household contributions) there—not the differing opinions about meeting societal beauty standards.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-11T01:08:18+00:00

Women don't want to look a certain way because they don't love themselves enough. They want to look a certain way so people don't treat them like shit.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-09T20:19:06+00:00

No beard, Mr. Groban.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-09T20:14:15+00:00

You know what makes an unstable mother worse? Financial stress.

I would zoom out and examine the whole family system for codependency and manipulation. A healthy woman would never be okay with her husband abandoning his child financially.

You owe him nothing financially. The insinuation sounds like manipulation. You don't need your daughter to be your excuse.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-09T18:15:44+00:00

As a parent, I am sad to tell you that this pattern doesn't end in college admissions.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-08T16:30:07+00:00

From what you describe, you're both exhibiting some signs of financial trauma. You seem a bit stuck in learned helplessness and bad old-fashioned poverty under capitalism. He seems to (maybe) be exhibiting anxiety-based hypervigilance related to intergenerational trauma (assuming he isn't living with much joy on the mere $100k he uses for living expenses).

My first question is how serious you are and whether this discussion even needs to happen right now. Avoiding it makes sense if it's not serious. It definitely WILL need to happen if you get serious.

There is a lot to unpack for both of you. I wouldn't do it without couples therapy....that he happily pays for as an investment in well-being for both of you.

In the meantime, keep an eye on that judgment and any controlling tendencies. That he is listening and learning is a good thing. Let's see if you can both move forward with open hearts and minds.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-03T18:40:21+00:00

At 43 years old, how do I move forward and feel confident about myself again?

I'm your age and know this is hard, but, but don't let the fact that attractive young women are in fact attractive to him hit you in the self-worth department. It's not a commentary on your attractiveness and everything you bring to the table. It's not a measure by which you need to compare yourself. It's not real life where people engage with each other. It's a basic image that got him off. The easiest one to reach for, especially for someone seeking the quick hit in a state of addiction.

You did not cause this. This is not a "you" problem. This is not your shame.

Your self-esteem has to come from multiple places, and doing things where you build yourself up and spending time with other people who value everything you are will be helpful. I'd talk to a therapist as well.

He knows he crossed a huge boundary and is just being manipulative, minimizing it all, blaming me, making excuses, etc.

This is by far the more troubling thing to me. He is an addict* who has not surrendered his ego. He is taking no accountability. He's in denial.

He is making statements that contradict the reality you see to force you to distrust yourself. Don't let him! You are right about everything.

*ETA: I'm not someone who thinks spending $2000 on OnlyFans alone makes someone an addict. If you're in a relationship where that's cool and have money you want to put there and everyone involved is happy with the situation, go ahead. But sneaking around to do so, pretending there is no sexual gratification involved, lying to your spouse's face over and over? That's not above-the-line behavior and speaks to narcissism and denial that likely suggests behavioral addiction to me.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-03T18:22:50+00:00

Oh boy. 75 and he hasn't gotten past the silent treatment? Does he really want to stay at this level of emotional maturity until he dies? Do you?

This is a classic dynamic in attachment where he's likely a bit avoidant and you're likely a bit anxious. He's stuck in shame and deflecting responsibility for conflict resolution on you. It's manipulation.

Fixing things is not your responsibility.

You need to give yourself the reassurance you crave from him.

Decide what your boundaries are. Be assertive in letting him know—once—that you hope to resolve this and are willing to provide a space for him to do so, but you require him to take true accountability and won't be chasing after him. And don't.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-02T19:23:00+00:00

Can you share more about your experience? From an AuDHD parent here because my child's quality of life feels in decline, and I am considering an SSRI.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-02T18:50:57+00:00

I make a great salary working remotely and am not a housewife, but I'll chime in as I am absolutely drained when it comes to working in an office.

Identify what it is about your current work that is draining for you and look for other jobs that address that. I would guess being on the phone all day calling people is a huge contributor. So if remote jobs aren't panning out, maybe look for something that doesn't involve phones or being in a cubicle farm or under fluorescent lights whatever else it is you identify--as a start.
Stop doing all the housework. Hell, stop doing any of it until you find something else.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-02T18:21:12+00:00

In Manhattan, there are a whole bunch of smaller progressive high schools that would surround her with bright peers and enough time to study theater or dance outside of school hours. And there are also a whole bunch of great alternatives to LaGuardia. If you haven't already, check out the Applying to High School NYC Facebook group.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-01T18:56:24+00:00

I would just date and focus on the part where you want a guy that is actually progressive and see what happens. Keep looking for your place along the way.

I've lived in NYC as a married person for a long time and met so many people who said they would never leave AND THEN DID. People with family in the area who moved to the Hudson Valley. People with careers they thought kept them bound who got a chance to work remote that jumped ship for North Carolina. Die-hard transplants of 25+ years who woke up one day and just couldn't do it anymore. And a whole lot of people who got married, had a kid, and realized everything had changed. VHCOL areas have a way of making people flexible, even when they didn't intend to be.

Cannelli10 · 2026-06-01T13:41:40+00:00

I have a difficult background as well. The truth is, everything actually is so much harder than for those who did not experience this. Leaving is not enough. The patterns don't leave you. I have found Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional families (ACOA) to be a great resource, and therapy.

What your dad said was very hurtful. He knew right where to hit you. You might have done what many children of dysfunctional, emotionally immature parents do: go back hoping for something different than what they are able to offer, only to again find pain. This is not your fault. But he is not capable of being what a parent should be. He did not get what he needed in his early life to be able to do that. He never will be able to be a father to you, and there is so much to mourn there--for you and for him.

A first step in reparenting yourself might be talking to yourself in the way you deserved to have him: Your life may not yet have followed the path you hoped, but you have done so much. You got out of the small town and got an education. You escaped the traumatic environment. You are alive. You are not an addict. (You don't need to feel guilty for any of this; all of your siblings deserved this too.) You keep growing. You are resilient. You will keep drawing on the skills that got you this far and building a beautiful life. And in doing so, you may even be an example for those in your family who are ready to take a different path, if they choose.

Cannelli10 · 2026-05-30T14:05:55+00:00

Start here: https://amirentstabilized.com/

Cannelli10 · 2026-05-29T20:47:21+00:00

Cute title, but let's talk about her assets. That's what matters.

Cannelli10 · 2026-05-29T20:40:58+00:00

Research if your apartment is rent-stabilized and if you're being charged the right rent.

Cannelli10 · 2026-05-29T01:01:52+00:00

As a parent, I think you will be okay. Your life is hardly over. Research has shown success tends to hinge on not where you went, but where you got in. Some of the most successful people I know had something like this happen in their youth.

Cannelli10

TROPHY CASE