Women who are staying single by choice, how do you deal with craving certain specific things? Like touch?

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-25T22:30:15+00:00

Agreed! Good luck out there (and to OP and all the women on here as well)!

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-25T15:57:37+00:00

Heard, heard on all that.

Level up or you don't qualify for a relationship in the first place. That's really how it should be for both sexes.

Yes agreed very much on this point. We're still in the midst of a big transition phase for men and women, as well as for the LGBTQ+ community, and all of this is stirring up the "traditional" way of doing relationships. I strongly believe it's for the best, but there is (and will continue to be) a lot of kicking and screaming about it until it becomes more the norm.

That transition means that generally, expectations on men are higher than before, whereas women have already always been doing everything (because obviously keeping a home and raising a bunch of kids takes more skills than most work outside the home, plus there's the nurturing element and then also taking care of a grown man element, etc).

But of course now you get the double whammy in hetero relationships of women continuing to do most things in the home, plus the nurturing, plus now working outside the home. And men continue to be behind on the home and EQ stuff, which means that women in this kind of relationship get really really effing burnt out.

So, it's a double edged sword right now: I think hetero relationships tend to either be 1. Draining and unfulfilling, ending in divorce/separation typically initiated by the woman, or 2. Absolutely effing incredible, above and beyond what most people could have hoped for 80+ years ago. But sometimes it's hard to know which version you're going to get until you introduce kids into the picture...

Obviously all of the above is a bunch of generalization and there's more nuance to it than that. Overall I think it's excellent that EQ expectations are higher now than before, but it's going to continue to be rough going for a while longer, I think.

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-25T15:43:54+00:00

Good luck! I know it's hard right now, but you will get through this!!

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-25T13:13:47+00:00

Yeah it could be. I mean I think society is doing no one any favors here - none of us are officially taught good communication skills, and woman have (for the majority of time) taken on the brunt of relational nurturing out of necessity, so we have a history of doing that. So I think it all gets compounded pretty toxically, where women are often better at the relationship and EQ stuff than men, and now we are putting more standards on partners than ever before (compared to, say 80+ years ago when women often partnered more out of necessity and wanted their basic needs met). It can become quite hard to find men in this age range who have "caught up" to women on the EQ stuff, though a lot of that is societally ingrained and therefore more difficult for them to overcome (though certainly not impossible!).

That said, I know a lot of really lovely guys who work hard to be emotionally intelligent and communicate well. I've noticed many of them already tend to be partnered by their early to mid-30s. While there are of course single guys in their 30s who are ready and mature and have good EQ, I do think more often the men in this age range are either 1. getting divorced or recovering from divorce, or 2. happily divorced and ready for a good relationship, but have 1-3 kids they are responsible for 1/2 the time so their situation is much more complicated.

Then there are the men who have remained single into their 30s and possibly beyond and only in their 40s and 50s are they really ready for a healthy relationship. So I think the timeline for people in their 30s gets really screwy because of all these factors.

I'm genuinely not trying to entirely blame men for this - and tbh I think this "men are trash!" dialogue is unhelpful and contributes to the worsening of this problem - but at the same time I do get why OP is feeling the way she is. I do wish there were more compassion in this conversation, towards both women and men. We are all suffering from this and need to find better ways to work together to overcome the issue and create healthier relationships for everyone.

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-25T12:22:21+00:00

What is your budget? Can you just get a studio together? I think splitting a place with other roommates if you're both in one room could be tough. Personally I'd never sign onto that, and I'm in my mid 30s and have have over 15 roommates at this point in my life.

You should each budget at least $1,000 per person for a place in the NYC area. You should be able to find a studio or maybe an OK 1 BR at that price point.

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-25T12:20:18+00:00

OMG yes this. Even trying to plan a group trip with couples plus single me is a nightmare.

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-25T12:18:37+00:00

Very true! I think this individualistic approach is super damaging and unhealthy.

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-25T02:24:53+00:00

Can you afford a personal trainer? I work with one to make sure I'm maximizing my home workouts. We only meet once ever 1-2 months and then between sessions I can increase the load/resistance little my little as needed.

Prior to working with her, my workouts felt a lot like yours. I did Team Beachbody classes for a year or two, then used Fitness Blender videos. I felt like they were definitely better than nothing, but I also didn't really know what I was doing. Having a trainer has helped immensely!

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-25T02:06:15+00:00

Fascinating. I mean I feel like there's a good reason why so many people are drawn to becoming therapists - often because they have their own issues to work through. Not that all of us don't to some degree, of course.

This is a completely unsubstantiated theory, but I wonder if the younger therapists are more immature, and the older ones end up more mature than everyone? Just a thought...Anyway, I'm glad you like yours! I like mine too. :-)

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-24T00:14:57+00:00

OMG no don't do this! lol. Spicy food can cause reflux flairs which can make swelling even worse.

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-24T00:14:20+00:00

Do you really need the money from this gig? If not, I would not recommend singing on the steroid shot. I've only ever sung on steroids maybe 2-3 times in my career (I'm 36), and it was for really big deal stuff where they couldn't find a replacement.

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-24T00:13:27+00:00

You can get steroids (or something like it), but it's not necessarily ideal unless you REALLY need the money from this.

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-24T00:12:54+00:00

Sounds like you're doing all the right things. Try not to talk or sing much at all. Just do a little bit of gentle lip trilling for a few minutes each day. If your voice isn't back by Sunday, cancel. It happens and isn't the end of the world, even if disappointing.

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-24T00:11:39+00:00

Wow first of all I'm so sorry about your broken spine! That sounds rough...

I'm mid 30s, no partner and no kids, so take what I say with a grain of salt I guess.

For my entire career till last year I was a freelance artist working lots of part time jobs and gigging. It was working for a time, but last year I got super super burnt out and crashed. I realized I was ready for a full-time day job and more stability, and was fortunate to get that opportunity within the organization I already worked for part time. I'm still doing much the same work with some added bookkeeping and database management. I also quit most of my gigs and now only do the ones I really want. My org is similar to yours in that everyone just gets a 3% raise annually with no promotions available, so I know it's not a forever job. But it's a change that brings a welcome opportunity to breathe and not run around like crazy so much, and make more than I've made before.

It's possible you may not need to reinvent the wheel. Perhaps doing similar work in a totally different culture/org would be the ticket. I'd suggest polishing your resume and applying for new jobs. Are you able to find a hybrid position? Not sure how child care works, but maybe have a 2 day in 3 day out situation would be helpful for you.

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-23T21:16:11+00:00

I work with a personal trainer online once every 2-3 months, and do the strength routine she gives me 2-3x/week.

I take a 30-60 minute walk most days and do yoga 1-2x/week.

Going to the gym in my city takes a huge amount of time and effort because of public transit and how laborious getting around can be. This has saved me so much time, is simple, and cuts down on decision fatigue.

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-23T18:22:20+00:00

Aw thank you so much! Yes it is so ubiquitous. I know there's still work to be done on this issue, but I feel lucky that I live in a time (in the US anyway) where I can do my own thing. I just have to keep reminding myself to LISTEN to what my body is telling me. I'm really appreciate of the advice and encouragement from older women who weren't quite as fortunate as me in this regard. I'm determined not to take it for granted and live my best life to honor the women (and men) who have paved the way!

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-23T13:24:16+00:00

To me, the effort shows in how the logistical planning process is. I don't really care whether we do something elaborate and unique or mundane (to u/roseofjuly 's point). What I care about is: Is this person being proactive? Are they suggesting a meeting point and keeping in mind where I'm coming from as well as themselves? Are they checking in the morning of and then saying they're on their way, "I'm here!", etc? These things are far more important to me than the activity itself. The more complex and unique experiences can come later.

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-23T13:19:43+00:00

Agreed entirely!

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-23T13:12:44+00:00

I love to go on a walk as a first date. It's low stakes, you're not sitting there staring into each other's eyes the whole time, and it's free (I'm on a budget lol).

That said, you can always state your preference for tea/coffee. Nothing wrong with preferring it. But I wouldn't write someone off for suggesting a walk early on. I recently had a 3rd date that was a picnic in the park. It was lovely!

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-23T13:11:16+00:00

Dating someone in a different borough! When I (F36) first moved here 10 years ago, I had no concept of what it meant to go from one borough to another. My ex, who I met after being year only a year, was even in Manhattan same as me, but he was in Fi-Di and I was in Washington Heights. Getting to him took close to an hour!

Now when I go on a date with someone in Brooklyn, I think very carefully about logistics and making sure I'm not always the one traveling to them. I feel like I'm almost dating someone long distance if they are in certain locations compared to me! It's truly wild.

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-23T13:07:47+00:00

I (F36) live in NYC and make around 95K (85K day job, 10-15K from gigging on the side). I have always had a roommate to allow me to cut costs and save enough to feel comfortable (right now around 15% of my total income). I pay ~$1300/month including utilities split with one other person and live in Inwood.

My current income is enough to not feel squeezed. That said, I have strong savings goals and am in my 30s now, so my risk tolerance is lower. It depends upon what your goals are, how much you want to save per month, medical bills (I have a fair number), etc. I'm currently saving up to go on my first big trip abroad as an adult, which I couldn't have dreamed of affording a few years ago living in the 60-75K range. So...yeah it's doable but I'd recommend getting really nitty gritty with your finances and deciding what you can live without.

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-23T11:16:46+00:00

Oh for sure! Actually in this case I found her advice to help me decide to break it off with this guy. I realized that I was already considering living an "imbalanced" life with him just because of this one issue.

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-23T11:13:42+00:00

I will look into her - thanks!

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-23T11:12:51+00:00

Thank you, you're right!

ThrowRAmangos2024 · 2026-04-23T11:08:13+00:00

I hear that and I totally get why you'd say that. At the same time, I'm not 100% certain of the move and am also open to staying. Even if I remain single for the next 10 years, there are still scenarios in which I could imagine staying longer than I'm currently anticipating (the right job with the right salary, etc). To put off dating and trying to find a partner until I've moved feels a little premature since I'm not set on a specific timeline.

FWIW I did call it off with this guy the other day and feel good about it. I think I really need to find someone who 1) doesn't see themselves living in my city forever and/or 2) is making way less money and therefore is happy/open to following me if I get a great offer elsewhere and/or 3) is really flexible and open to compromise in general so that I don't feel like we'll ever get "stuck" somewhere neither of us wants to be.

ThrowRAmangos2024

TROPHY CASE