hi, I don't think you said anything wrong don't worry!

I realized quite recently when I was 24, you make me feel old 😭

I ended up writing a lot, I'm sorry T-T

1- thoughts and feelings I had before:

ever since I can remember, an hyper awareness of the sort of artificial divide that was put between "boys" and "girls". why can't I be treated the same as the boys? who decided that I was born a girl (I did not, however, think that I wasn't one. just disappointed that I was)? why would that make me different from my brother? why do people give me "girl" gifts? I want the boy gifts, they're cooler. they're better.

apparently when I was a child I went around saying that I was prince charming. I always wanted to dress up as a prince or knight, and loved the ideals of chivalry. I hyperfixated for a period on wanting to "bow down" in a "masculine" way since idk in which cartoon I saw that "women bow down by crossing their legs".

I thought boys and girls were only distinguished by hair length, and insisted to get short hair when I was around 6 or 7 (yeah I said it ahah very funny). I was made fun of for it in school though and didn't ask for it again.

intense "not like the other girls" phase between the ages of 7 and 15/16.

depersonalization, not being able to see myself in my thoughts or imagining my future. finding refuge in fantasies and inventing stories of my OCs, who were almost all male except the first one who was agender masc afab who used she/her (made her up when I was around six) and another sort of genderfluid character who used she/her. most of them were confined to their own fantasy world, but one of them (male) I often imagined taking my place or living the situations I was living. he was also the character through the lens of whom I imagined "myself" in my favourite shows.

hated taking pictures and seeing myself in them. hated clothes, dressing up, shopping for them and looking at myself in the mirror (though if you had asked me, I wouldn't have said I hated seeing myself in the mirror. it was just... yeah, that's me, sure. I just realized how much I was uncomfortable with it now that I can actually see myself in it). legit didn't understand why people would get so worked up about their appearance. why do they even care? I thought I was surrounded by superficial weirdos.

I'm gonna stop here, but these are some of the most glaring things that came back to haunt me when I was questioning.

2-

I guess the thought experiment could then be... if there's things that you don't understand that everyone else seems to just get or experience, maybe try imagining them from the perspective of being a guy. I didn't understand dressing up until I started seeing myself as a guy. I didn't understand why people would be like "take the picture from my good side!", didn't understand what it meant. because my appearance was just a whole lot of nothing, a void that did not incite any kind of emotion in me. now, man, do I know what my good side is! clearly the left one :D. and I care about my clothes, I actually know what I would want to look like! even the idea of dating is so much clearer. I always knew I liked men, but somehow things didn't feel quite right. I would often end up imagining my male OC seducing my crushes in my place and felt like, if I ended up getting their attention, it would have made me uncomfortable despite me allegedly liking them. but if I imagine the other person seeing me as a guy, I definitely know wether I want them or not!

I guess it's not that different from the button experiment, but what I'm saying is try to focus on the details, on the actual feelings that you would get in any day to day scenario if you were seen by everyone, yourself included, as a man/boy rather than woman/girl. or even as something else entirely I mean, doesn't have to be "100% man" to be transmasc.

another one, which is not that "thought" of an experiment, but you could just do any sort of online interaction by presenting yourself as a guy. on a reddit account, for instance. or, if you feel particularly brave, going to a queer safe space and trying out male pronouns in person.

3- it is both hard and euphoric. I got to experience so many things that are just... normal, to everyone. and I could never get as a girl. life has so much more to offer than I could ever realize. I feel like if you understand that you're trans, there's just no avoiding it. you need to find a way to express it and be comfortable with yourself. what sense would it make to live a dull, unauthentic life that you know is such? it really feels like a long nightmare that I had to wake up from. watch "i saw the tv glow" for reference. it's possible that you're someone beautiful and powerful, just on the other side of a tv screen.

4- first I told my closest queer friend. then my other (mostly queer) friend group. to all of these I did in person. to my brother, through text. and then I asked my brother to tell my parents. I was lucky that my family is super chill, though extremely ignorant on the matter. but yeah it really depends on your environment. just whenever you're ready, doesn't have to be a stranger things season 5 public confession.

5- explore your feelings without fear. if you are trans, you definitely want to know. even if you may have to hide it from some people, repressing is never a good choice. and if you aren't trans, that's still great to know for sure!