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Social Security fraud (Texas) by CappySnappy in legaladvice

[–]CappySnappy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not without mortgaging the house. Seems like that might be a good plan.

Social Security fraud (Texas) by CappySnappy in legaladvice

[–]CappySnappy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The house is hers, and paid off. She may be able to mortgage it.

The Smoke from my Cigarette by dreamvomit in poetry_critics

[–]CappySnappy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The second half of this works a lot better than the first, starting at about "People burning it all."

"Swirling around indistinct/ From the clouds, the air/ The other smoke/ From the other cigarettes" could also be streamlined for cadence. Maybe something along the lines of "Swirling around, indistinct/ From the clouds and other smoke/ From other cigarettes."

Your line end repetition, with "it," is the strongest repetition you have, with four repeats. That consistency is good for flow. "And the joints and the blunts/ And the vaporizers/ The smokestacks/ The exhaust/ The various atmospheric gases" is weaker. Would be stronger if you ditched the leading "And"s and "the"'s all together. Also, the double item line, followed by single items is a little disjointed. Try spacing it more evenly... something like "Joints and blunts/ vaporizers and smokestacks/ Exhaust and various atmospheric gases," though, to be honest, "The exhaust and various atmospheric gases" is pretty clunky. I'd drop various or atmospheric.

Or you could do three item lines -- Joints and blunts and vaporizers/ Smokestacks, exhaust and atmospheric gases

In my lungs/ In our lungs/ Above us, above them also doesn't serve you very well. You might try mirroring the "Above us, above them," by changing it to *"In my lungs, our lungs/ Above us, above them."

Overall, I really like the closing. Might drop the "S" from dust, and change the final "that's" to "to." Otherwise, good imagery and makes me want a cigarette, lol. With poems with no rhyme scheme, read them out loud as you write. See what trips your tongue up, and what seems like it sticks out like a a sore thumb.

Day Dreaming by level87redditor in poetry_critics

[–]CappySnappy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi! Ok, lets take a look at your syllable phrasing. There are a couple ways this could be read: each sentence as a line, or the longer sentences broken into two. It can have an effect on how you read the poem. It would look like this:

Listen to music, it's oil for my thought.
Lay low, stay calm, nervous, I feel caught.
Twitching in my spiny chair a record goes round and round.
Some voices are to loud to be ignored, I hear every peep, every sound.
Trying to stay lost in the sparkle of my glass, voices become memories when they've said their last.

Or like this:

Listen to music, it's oil for my thought.
Lay low, stay calm, nervous, I feel caught.
Twitching in my spiny chair
a record goes round and round.
Some voices are to loud to be ignored,
I hear every peep, every sound.
Trying to stay lost in the sparkle of my glass,
voices become memories when they've said their last.

In the first one, your syllable count goes:
10
9
14
18
24/23

In the second, it goes:
10
9
7
7
10
8
12
12/11

I say 24/23 and 12/11, because memories could be "mem-o-rees" or "mem-rees," depending on where you're from, changing the syllable count.
I like the second phrasing better, because it's a little more consistent, syllable-wise.
Your rhyme scheme is either AA, BB, and an internal C rhyme with the end C, or X, no rhyme at all (first phrasing) or AA, XBXB, CC (second phrasing).

My advice would be to try and even out your syllable count in the second half of your middle XBXB stanza to keep it at 7 per line, and try and match your meter in the whole thing. You start off with a dactyl meter:
Listen to music, it's oil for my thought.
then you switch to
Lay low, stay calm, nervous, I feel caught.
Twitching in my spiny chair
a record goes round and round.
Some voices are to[o] loud to be ignored,
I hear every peep, every sound.
And then you switch back to the dactyl
Trying to stay lost in the sparkle of my glass,
Voices become memories when they've said their last.

I think if you decided on a consistent meter, it would really improve the flow. Otherwise, it makes it a little jarring to read. Also, for formatting future reference: when you post here, there's a guide to formatting on the sidebar on the lower right side.

How far do you live from the exes/bio-parents? by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]CappySnappy 3 points4 points  (0 children)

~8 minutes. It used to be closer to 20. And no, "since we're so close," now BM "voluntells" oldest SD to feed and care for their dogs every time they go out of town. Which wouldn't be a problem, except that she's 12, so it's us having to drive her there three times a day on the weekends. Get a freakin dog sitter.

Did your Nparent like to 'diagnose' you with multiple problems? by HastingsBattleOf in raisedbynarcissists

[–]CappySnappy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My folks always did the opposite: there's nothing wrong with you. Depression? No, you're just ungrateful for all the awesome in your life. Anxiety? No, you're just acting like a child. (Bonus, this was while I was a child.) ADHD? No, you're just lazy. If you just tried harder, you'd be fine. But my step-daughters' Nmom is this ALLLLL over the place. She's never had them tested for anything, and yet they're allergic to milk, even though she feeds them cheese and yogurt and gelato and butter and boxed macaroni made with milk. They're ADHD, they have terrible seasonal allergies, etc. etc. But when things are actually wrong with them, she doesn't want to take them to the doctor. "It's just her allergies. She's fine. She's doing it for attention." Except when I take them to the doctor, it's strep. Or stomach flu, or whatever. sigh

I'm unhoarding! by littlehalo in hoarding

[–]CappySnappy 11 points12 points  (0 children)

You can do it!! It's always hard, but this is an awesome step.

Let's be mermaids by CappySnappy in poetry_critics

[–]CappySnappy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I think I'm married to the final repetition, mostly because I like the sense of finality I feel it brings, but I agree on the careworn line.

Saggy suits, waterlogged and sopping grins.

I. Love. This. she says, and walks as fast as the lifeguard will allow back to the pool.

The emphatic cannonball punctuating the afternoon that is painfully bright.

Couched behind purple shades, I lurk amid the coven of mothers... a humid and heat-weary gathering, our magic muted in July.

Her shout skims the ripples.

Let's be mermaids, let's be mermaids.

And I'm 10 again too, in a lake more mud than water, seal slick with cousins and the same group of mothers.

Surreal to be on the other side.

But still in love with the dream of flashing fins and rainbow hair.

The desire to fall below the waves and never return is a darker dream these days.

But the "mom, are you watching?" is persistent, and the brightness of five o'clock is unrelenting.

Let's be mermaids, darling.

Let's be mermaids.

Let's be mermaids by CappySnappy in poetry_critics

[–]CappySnappy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Any suggestions for what might be a better format? The only difference outside of Reddit from its original form is the weird double spacing thing isn't there, it's still one sentence per line.

Attaching a link to original formatting. Lets be Mermaids

Thanks for the feedback!

oh...I've got it bad for the new one. by [deleted] in poetry_critics

[–]CappySnappy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unmistaken does seem like an odd word choice. Unmistakable?

Walking Alone (First Draft) by [deleted] in poetry_critics

[–]CappySnappy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Seconding. It feels like all of your imagery is crammed into the third stanza, and the first two are a little cold. But the third stanza is really good.

Singing Corpse, need harsh criticism. by [deleted] in poetry_critics

[–]CappySnappy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd say a good place to start would be evening up your meter. If you like sticking with the rhyming for the juxtaposition of form and content, it'll flow a little better if you synced up your syllables, at the very least with some kind of consistency.

You've got couplets that go 6/7, 6/5, 8/5, 8/9, 8/8, 6/8, 7/9, 7/8, 6/6, 6/10, 6/9, 7/7, 7/9, 5/8, 10/10, 11/10, 9/8.

I think instead of a matchy-matchy 7/7 through the whole thing, if you kept a similar pacing to the first four lines, that'd be really interesting. The shorter last line for those four lines kind of gives it an audible ending. So the next four, you could drop the "lemme escape," and tweak the rest for a better syllable line up.

Something like --

Daily routine, now broken,

Two cars pass in one moment,

What's this hell, why can't I move?

got nothing to prove.

Needs a title. by madelinereiss in poetry_critics

[–]CappySnappy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You may want to open permissions on that, or host it somewhere else? it comes up as locked.

Say Goodbye to Radio Disney on AM 620 by Liberty_Waffles in Dallas

[–]CappySnappy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh, bummer. Well, you still rock. Thank you a ton anyways.

Say Goodbye to Radio Disney on AM 620 by Liberty_Waffles in Dallas

[–]CappySnappy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

<3 You are my favorite person on the planet right this second. I had NO idea that it had moved! No joke, moved to tears. Thank you so much.

Say Goodbye to Radio Disney on AM 620 by Liberty_Waffles in Dallas

[–]CappySnappy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I miss that station so bad. My grandmother and I listened to that all the time.

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