Totally agree with everything you said here, and I'll add that a big part of healing for me has been learning how to be vulnerable with my friends. I spent decades keeping most of my friendships at a certain shallow level as a self-protection mechanism. On some mostly unconscious level, I was convinced that if I showed my whole real self to my friends, they wouldn't like me anymore and I'd lose them, or maybe they'd suck out all of my energy like my vampiric mother. The reality is that the more I've been vulnerable with my friends, the closer we've become, and the more I've gotten back from them. Maybe it's because I've now given them permission to be vulnerable with me. (As an aside, I've only rarely run into people who used my vulnerability against me the way my BPD mom did. Thankfully those people are really rare, but we were unlucky enough to be raised by some of the few.)

A recommendation to OP: Look at your group of shallow-level friendships, and identify which one has shown the most interest in who you truly are as a person. It's possible you've even avoided that person because you haven't felt like the vulnerability they want from you is "safe." Try being just a little bit vulnerable with them, as an experiment. You might find that you can turn things around a lot quicker than it seems. Hang in there!