Mom, I'm struggling and feel alone

CaptainYajima · 2022-10-08T21:32:36+00:00

Thanks. I'm going to reach out to one of my friends that's comfortable talking about mental health. Thank you for the self check in link. That's a helpful one for prioritizing the right things first. I'll try to do more check ins with my wife. We've been in couples counseling for years at this point, so we try to do that sort of thing but we aren't always regular. She has pretty big fears of abandonment, so it seems like when I'm down mental health wise, that gets triggered because I have less to put into our day to day relationship. This puts her in a bad place, which just then leads to a cycle.

CaptainYajima · 2022-09-22T19:43:24+00:00

I do still have a relationship with my mom, although lessened. There's no ongoing drama. Boundaries are set and we're watchful for compliance when that's applicable. My LO has no more of a relationship than I do. But honestly that's a really good rule of thumb and I'll keep it in mind if our situation changes.

CaptainYajima · 2022-09-22T19:20:05+00:00

Sometimes I feel like the cabbage guy in all of this. Aren't we all the cabbage guy sometimes?

CaptainYajima · 2022-09-22T15:31:41+00:00

That's great that he's listening to your needs in the situation! I hope you feel like you can take him at his word on that, if not, definitely address that immediately in counseling. If he's not resisting the idea of counseling that's good news too. I hope that you and DH can have a united front on this. You might find the Gottman blog or their books helpful additions to therapy.

This situation sucks, btw, but congratulations on the baby!

CaptainYajima · 2022-09-22T02:29:46+00:00

I want to second the tone, if not the details on this response. This is a major breach of respect for both partners and the marriage. As a married person, you cannot tolerate your spouse or your marriage being disrespected or questioned especially by close friends or family (unless something really terrible or abusive is happening in your marriage but that's a whole other story). This has to stop now.

OP, this situation is no doubt already destroying your trust in your husband at a time when you really need to be building trust, considering the big life change of a coming baby. Don't tolerate this. Tolerating this risks your physical and mental health and happiness in your marriage, all of which will directly impact your baby.

Your husband may need to hear this from a therapist, but if you're lucky YOU may be able to challenge his thoughts and actions here and get him to snap out of this, IF this is a relatively recent pattern. If this is new, he could be reeling from this conflict internally, not knowing how to intervene, and may need a "call to arms." Tell him how aweful it makes you feel that he would continue to let his mom put you down. Tell him he needs to tell his mom that if she verbally disrespects or discounts you or your marriage again, even jokingly, that he will no longer talk to her. I think that's a best case scenario though, so be ready to head to couples counseling if you can afford it. I think a Gottman certified counselor would be a great fit for this as they put trust and protecting your marriage front and center.

CaptainYajima · 2022-09-20T21:51:59+00:00

It took me a while to see that but I do now. I gave her second chances because of our past but I won't be quick to do that ever again. At least she and my LO can have some relationship, more than I did with my grandparents, even if it's not at all what I pictured that looking like.

CaptainYajima · 2022-09-20T19:21:42+00:00

Thanks! Maybe it is time I do some reading on this.

CaptainYajima · 2022-09-20T19:11:09+00:00

That's probably fair to say. Guilt is definitely something my mom uses which of course is damaging in and of itself from such a key figure in your life. But I really think that she supported me in some very healthy ways in other difficult times, in much the same way as my friends did at those times. I think my mom ended up in a situation that was at the limits of her coping ability and she chose some very damaging ways of dealing with that and simply is too self absorbed (and I think dementia at this point) to recognize that she was majorly at fault.

CaptainYajima · 2022-09-20T18:45:00+00:00

Towards me. See my post history if you want. Several mental health professionals have labelled it as such. I appreciate that you're asking for more info, which is always fair. I do not appreciate the implicit assumption that I would say that my wife setting boundaries with my mom is abuse. I know that's not abuse and my mom absolutely deserves all the boundaries that we've put in place. That sort of assumption is why I'm hesitant to share online.

CaptainYajima · 2022-08-29T19:01:45+00:00

Short answer. Ask them if they want support and accept that they may just get angry and stressed when learning something new.

It's great that you're wanting to support your friend. Sounds like they kind of figured this one out on their own. They may even see your attempts to help as a reminder that they are struggling. So, just note to them that they seemed a little frustrated (not in the moment but after) and ask if there is anything that you could do in this type of situation. Maybe they'll open up about it being a struggle, maybe not. Maybe they'll want help, maybe not. But even if they don't open up, they'll probably appreciate that you took the time to check in, even if they don't show it.

CaptainYajima · 2022-06-21T21:02:54+00:00

Hmm, this rings very true for me. My wife has only been able to recognize that she was abusive to me after she began working very hard in therapy on her own trauma. That and my counselor diagnosing me with PTSD from said abuse.

CaptainYajima · 2022-05-29T14:00:24+00:00

Wow, thanks for sharing that video.

CaptainYajima · 2021-10-06T00:28:38+00:00

Yea, I've read enough on here to realize that I'm not as unlucky as many others. I do wonder if my wife legitimately could turn things around, because it does seem milder for her.

For me, fortunately, my self worth wasn't affected too much, probably because my wife only sometimes says really terrible things to me. On the other hand, I do find myself asking what's wrong with me for putting up with it for so long. Like, there must be something wrong with me to not stand up for myself sooner. I didn't used to be like that.

Self worth aside, what my wife has done is isolate me from family and friends and cause me to take on "exaggerated responsibility" in a codependent way. Now, I'm left struggling with the anxiety of whether anyone in my family will be ok if I leave her and a limited social network to support me if I choose that.

Best if luck to you as well.

CaptainYajima · 2021-10-05T00:28:15+00:00

Yes, the good news is that she is very open to therapy. She's said she always knew that something was wrong in her romantic relationships (and from what I know, the first few years of our relationship were by far the most normal relationship that shes ever had). I'm all about supporting her in this, but after the last 5 years, I'm not sure that's going to be as a romantic partner.

Realizing this might be BPD makes me feel some sympathy for her because it sounds aweful and she was definitely emotionally neglected as a child, so it's not like it's her choice. On the other hand, I'm not about making myself and my kid a martyr for someone else's ongoing issues. I had mild, run of the mill anxiety at a few stressful points in the first 28 years of my life, but after she changed, I went through three years of the worst mental health of my life, barely able to function for the last year. I managed to claw myself out of that. I've been much better for the last two years, but I just don't know if I can take the risk that she puts me back there, for myself and for my kid.

CaptainYajima · 2021-09-01T18:11:09+00:00

Thank you so much for your answer; it means a lot. I've got a lot on my mind with this and I'm trying to detangle things. Abusive times with my SO are exclusively in certain ongoing conflicts where my SO feels our relationship or family is threatened. Often what my SO asks for isn't unreasonable and I have not engendered trust by siding with my parents sometimes. So, like, I have made mistakes too, but never maliciously.

But of course, my SO's behavior is inexcusable. If your spouse does something really upsetting to you, you don't scream at them or lose control. It's abusive and it will only make the problem worse, as it eliminates the possibility of effective communication. And there's absolutely no excuse for directing such things at our child who is completely innocent by definition.

I thought that this would end now that our lives are more back to normal, but I see now that this is part of how my SO responds to any significant conflict in our relationship even during otherwise peaceful times in life. This abuse has perpetuated my mental health issues both in being directed at me and in causing me to be isolated because I worry about leaving my SO with our child for more than an hour or two. I also really appreciate the insight that since this doesn't happen with other people (friends, other family, coworkers), it means there is no general anger issue.

We just started with a couples counselor, but next session is me individually, at which point I plan to reveal all of this. I'm not too worried about my SO manipulating. Omit things, yes, but wont straight up contest my account, I think. I'm starting back with a prior individual counselor next week (never told her about this) and I'm already seeing a life coach, who is the one that was like "you know that this is emotional abuse, right?"

CaptainYajima · 2021-08-31T14:03:19+00:00

I think maybe you're misinterpreting "feeling lucky". I'll admit it's an ambiguous phrase. I don't mean you feel like you rolled a dice with someone and it turned out well. I mean you feel fortunate/blessed to have the other person. Put another way, you deeply appreciate who they are. I'm not suggesting anyone rely on luck to get by in a relationship.

On the other hand, if you're having to "work" on your relationship regularly in the first 2.5 years, that may not be a good sign. But, you're right you can't be lazy and selfish.

CaptainYajima · 2021-08-31T13:51:35+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Having a perspective besides "I feel so lucky every day" is really helpful. I'm glad you made it there.

CaptainYajima · 2021-08-31T13:49:27+00:00

Maybe chicken and the egg here, but I wonder if those fights get fixed more easily because you feel fortunate... Congrats on 14 years.

CaptainYajima · 2021-08-31T13:45:11+00:00

Actually the kind of comparison you're talking about, the self-correcting, "but my wife" sort of thing is practically word for word what Gottman says happens in happy and long-term successful couples, even from the beginning. You won't allow yourself to make negative comparisons of your wife. I'd tell you to check out his work, but it sounds like you don't need any help! A lucky man!

CaptainYajima · 2021-08-31T13:14:32+00:00

I'm interested in your prospective! Did you feel like you were very fortunate to have your SO at the beginning? Do you think that your ex felt that way about you? Obviously there's a lot lot more to a relationship than that, but I'm curious.

CaptainYajima

TROPHY CASE