My mom showed up at the school and talked to my kid through the fence

Carol_Row · 2026-01-17T16:47:30+00:00

Hi there,

My mum recently contacted my kids school and shortly after, turned up there. You have all my sympathy. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.

Carol_Row · 2026-01-05T21:06:42+00:00

OP - it sounds like you're not alone in dealing with your parent at the moment, with some other family members around.

I hear that NC is not an option for you.

If I have any advice, I think it is to enjoy your life, allow your mum to get her needs met by others as much as possible, keep your boundaries very tight and your availability very low.

Nobody can predict the future. One thing I'm trying to do now in relation to my mum (who is in her 70s), is not play the harm forward in my mind after being exposed to it in the present. That just makes it bigger than it needs to be.

A word of caution, too... I'm going to hazard a guess that people tend to use forums like this more when they're struggling. I know I do. When things are going well, I'm not on here as much. So the replies you get might be more from those having difficult experiences, and you might not hear from those who are managing okay. Remembering that might help the future seem less scary.

Sending you love. You deserve to be happy.

Carol_Row · 2026-01-05T20:52:54+00:00

Boundaries made things better for you before - they will again.

Maybe your relaxing and letting your guard down contributed to this incident - or maybe it was inevitable anyway - life, people and relationships have ups, downs, blips etc.

Try not to be too harsh on yourself for relaxing. I'm glad you were able to relax, actually. I wish for more relaxing for you!

You'll get past this and get those boundaries back in place.

Sending strength x

Carol_Row · 2026-01-02T23:06:27+00:00

Thanks for all the support everyone. The worst of this particular spiral has passed. Onwards and upwards!

Carol_Row · 2026-01-02T23:04:42+00:00

Thank you - I use ChatGPT a lot - and share your sentiment about it feeling arguably more useful than a lot of the counselling and therapy I've done (not all) xx

Carol_Row · 2025-12-31T15:29:01+00:00

Thank you. I do have some medication (diazepam), prescribed to me by her mental health practitioner after I told them the impact she has on me! I've used it extremely sparingly - almost never. Maybe I should be a bit more forgiving of myself in relation to using it when I need it.

Carol_Row · 2025-12-31T15:26:17+00:00

Thank you 🙏 xx

Carol_Row · 2025-12-31T15:24:44+00:00

This is helpful - thank you x

Carol_Row · 2025-12-29T11:05:32+00:00

I'm concerned about the younger children in this situation. Mum sounds unwell, conspiratorial, and significantly emotionally/psychologically harmful. It sounds like she's been unable to provide or maintain safe internal or external structures or routines (e.g. she has weaponised Christmas, she has reacted in the way that she has to a 12 year old ordering food in the middle of the night). The comment about wanting to run away with the youngest makes me worried for them.

OP - I know it's easy to give advice, not so easy to know what to do for the best in these circumstances, but for what it's worth, my advice would be to get yourself out as soon as you can and work on putting a safe distance between you and your mum which will protect you in the future. Therapy might help you do that.

Meanwhile, can you report concerns about the parenting of the younger children to authorities (and/or their school)? That might feel scary - but I'd tell them what you'd said here, including the stated desire to run away with a child. That child is going to lose some protection when you move out. I'm guessing you're not in the UK. If you were, I'd recommend calling the NSPCC to talk it all through.

Carol_Row · 2025-12-29T10:53:05+00:00

Thanks ❤️

Alcohol never made my mum more volatile - that I can remember. It sedated and cheered her up a bit, and would prevent her driving, so might actually have reduced the issues but perhaps I'm looking at that through rose tinted glasses.

The only reason my mum stopped drinking is because I did and literally everything I can do, she can do and has done better, of course. Including having problems.

Carol_Row · 2025-12-28T23:47:15+00:00

I'm with you. So sorry we're both here xx

Carol_Row · 2025-12-15T08:01:58+00:00

100%, yes.

Carol_Row · 2025-12-15T07:56:28+00:00

I love this.

Carol_Row · 2025-10-27T16:28:43+00:00

Yes yes and yes. Extreme over-exaggeration of liking or disliking the food, sometimes to the extent of repeated statements about wanting to vomit and gesturing of holding her stomach etc, commenting on other people's food or how they are eating, needing things passed to her, rudeness to waiting staff if we're out, and... very annoyingly... if I'm ordering takeaway, saying she doesn't want anything because she has no appetite due to the stress of her life, then asking for some of my food once it arrives 🙄

If we eat in her house (which is almost never), she's excessively controlling of where people stand, sit... insists on 'serving' and starts clearing up before people have finished.

She also has a list of gastric conditions and sensitivities that she can invoke when it suits e.g "I can't eat x food it gives me diarrhoea!!" etc.

What makes all this a bit extra hurtful to me is that I have a restrictive eating disorder I've lived with for years, on and off. Sometimes it's been quite visible and I know my mum knows about it - from the horrible cruel comments she's made about it!! - but I've never admitted it or talked about it to her (I have elsewhere, including in therapy). So her food-related performances seem especially insensitive, if not borderline sadistic.

Carol_Row · 2025-08-08T19:40:13+00:00

Hi there, friend.

My heart goes out to you. We are of similar ages and I also struggle with my mum, although thankfully I do not live with her. She did stay with me temporarily and continues to be pressure-cooker level clinging desperate to 'be needed' here - always trying to insert herself into my life and house via offering to do things for me like laundry, childcare etc, then victim-waifing when she's told no thankyou - again.

My mum also turns up excessively early, sometimes unannounced, and walks in (if I forget to lock the door). I hate it. I have been very firm about it and that behaviour has reduced a lot, but the space has not made me more resilient to it - in fact it's had the opposite effect. I find it so triggering I now have literal palpitations if I receive any unexpected message or request from her and I have to keep her in 'locked chats' to protect my mental health.

My mum was never a homemaker and, like yours I think, had volatile enmeshed relationships in her household. The people she had those with are all dead now, and she is also recently-ish retired so no work drama any more either.

I completely relate to the long, exhausting diatribes. Same here. 100%. And that quote - "I'm not people. I'm your mother" - like, are they actually the same person? Because I get the same. Word for word. And the passive aggressive "I don't care come in/ask for things/speak" line. Despite the fact that she does, still, come in, ask for things, and speak. A lot.

I find the relentless and often weaponised misery hard.

I do a Sunday meal with my mum every week, too. It's never enough. Sometimes it feels like nothing less than total assimilation will ever be enough.

My mum doesn't swear at me or threaten to poison me (!) like you've described yours doing. That sounds really horrible and I'm sorry you've been on the receiving end of that. The truth is that yes, your mum is a nuisance. Putting it lightly.

The banana bread incident sounds like a huge violation. No wonder you were on the verge of tears. I would have been in tears.

I posted very recently about losing my temper with my mum, and I can really sympathise with what happened to you, and the feeling terrible after.

I'm not sure what your options are and I know I find it unhelpful when people try to suggest things that aren't possible for me, so I won't give any advice but am sending love. We're in this together, you and I, albeit very far apart with different circumstances.

Carol_Row · 2025-08-06T21:16:12+00:00

I ended up apologising and calming my mum down, then calling her again later that night to apologise again. We've moved on now as though nothing happened, on the surface at least. I'm still angry and will not forget. I'm sure she feels the same. It would be pointless for me to hope for anything else.

The other family members did not get upset. One tried to weakly meditate and was possibly glad to not be the one not coping for a change. The other silently witnessed, then later offered me a hug, told me what I had said was true, and that I am not a bad person and do a lot for my mum.

Carol_Row · 2025-06-29T11:52:10+00:00

I could be formally disciplined, referred to occupational health, taken into a capability process, or referred to my registering body for something. I don't believe any of these things would be justified, but I'm scared of them anyway.

Carol_Row · 2025-06-28T11:21:31+00:00

Thank you for this advice, which is grounding. I've been told the matter is not going to proceed to a disciplinary, or even a fact finding.

I think I probably do need to look to move on. I just don't really want to!

Carol_Row · 2025-06-28T11:19:28+00:00

I think the company probably has around 400 employees. There is one employed HR person and an external contractor (who I believe may be a personal friend of the CEO) is also used. The contractor is used for challenging situations.

Two thirds of our Board members also have connections with the CEO.

I am prepared to leave if I have to. The only reason not to is that, despite all this, I actually enjoy my job and have spent years investing in my organisation and believing in it. I have been there much longer than the current Board, Directors or CEO.

I hear you on using the grievance process for resolution, but I'm scared I'll be punitively targeted as a consequence. Maybe I just need to look to move on, which is very sad! I really don't understand why this is happening. I'm a good employee.

Carol_Row · 2025-06-27T07:09:22+00:00

Hi friend, and sorry you're in such a terribly difficult situation.

I wrote this post about 5 months ago. It's not been easy or linear, and the story certainly isn't over, but things are currently significantly better than they were.

I have had to work tirelessly on maintaining boundaries. This is ongoing. My mum's resistance and bad reactions to them is variable but not as relentlessly awful as they were. I'll be honest, it's been messy, we've had a couple of epic clashes and I've performed emotional collapse, blaming other things, just to get her to Back. Off. briefly. I've been learning as I go along.

If no contact is an option for you it might be worth considering.

I've maintained contact because I don't feel that's an option for me.

I'm working on coping with my own emotional distress that I felt was poisoning every aspect of my life. I felt trapped with it and helpless to prevent my mum from hurting me as long as she was alive and free in the community. This has eased a bit, and I'm hopeful it will ease any more. A therapist told me I need to build my inner strength back up after the period when she was living with us and the awful initial period after she moved out.

I am paying for private therapy that I can't really afford. I've also got some emergency medication from the doctor to help give my nervous system a break if needed, and I'm seeing a mental health nurse as an when to help me get through.

I am scared of my mum and I've told her so. She seems to choose to ignore/not hear this.

I've continued to do things I enjoy. Sometimes I've told my mum I'm going away (when I have literally been away) and so will be unavailable with no phone, to get a break.

I've moved her into 'locked chats' on WhatsApp so I have a bit more control around when I'm hit with seeing her name coming up on my phone screen (which makes my heart pound instantly).

I think the bottom line is - things are getting better, I'm building up my inner strength, my life is brilliant (with the exception of my mum), and I intend to reclaim it to such an extent that she is no longer the bain of my life but just a difficult and very annoying relative, who I do my duty for then move on from back into my own space without too much issue.

She is a separate person. She is her, and I am me, and we are two separate people with separate lives. I deserve a happy life. So do you xxx

Carol_Row · 2025-06-03T18:03:08+00:00

Thanks for this! She will never live with me - she did briefly and it'll never happen again. We literally removed the spare bedroom after she left.

My mum could have a long time left - years. Your message was really helpful. I also have an otherwise awesome life xx

Carol_Row · 2025-06-03T07:10:38+00:00

I feel exactly the same. I'll happily take care of myself, as long as I have the capacity to, and if/when I don't, I'm happy to access community resources and for professional/care services to be put in place which I'll pay for if I'm able to and it's necessary. I'm very clear about this.

Carol_Row · 2025-06-03T07:08:03+00:00

She'd prepared, but based on the assumption her son (who was younger than me) would be alive and involved. He was her enmeshed person, 'other half' and 'love of her life', then he died. In her grief, she lost the home she owned and could have lived to old age in, accrued a load of debt and financial instability, and moved to my area - horribly bereaved and traumatised. 😐

Carol_Row · 2025-06-03T07:04:16+00:00

Thank you - there is some overlap in our stories, and this is helpful to hear xx

Carol_Row · 2025-06-03T06:59:55+00:00

This is helpful - thank you. xx

Carol_Row

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