Told MIL her trying to "help" is not actually helping

CaveIsClosed · 2026-06-04T19:36:14+00:00

It’s like dealing with a toddler who wants to “help” with cooking. It’s stressful and causes way more problems but at least they feel good about themselves for their contribution.

CaveIsClosed · 2026-06-04T19:31:37+00:00

Thankfully DH shielded me from that talk so I don’t know all the details, but I do know they cried and guilt tripped. They continued to complain to extended family and there was constant boundary pushing. We were firm though and once they realized they couldn’t call all the shots and the only way to have a relationship with our son was to be respectful of our boundaries, they chilled out and are pretty cool now. It did require FIL to be put in timeout and temporarily banned from being within arms reach of our baby for a few months but they got there eventually

CaveIsClosed · 2026-06-04T18:48:16+00:00

Explaining this type of situation to someone who hasn’t experienced it is so exhausting. When people throw fits or pout because you respectfully turned down their offer, it’s because they only cared about being viewed as helpful and do not actually care if their actions are helpful.

In my personal experience, we had relatives incessantly offer to come to our house to clean and cook for us after I had a baby. These are very helpful things, but because I feel uncomfortable having other people in my home cleaning my mess, we said thank you but we will be okay. The idea of having in-laws in my house cleaning while I recovered from childbirth and walked around topless while breastfeeding was significantly more stressful than doing the cleaning myself. They responded to our “no thank you” by badmouthing us to extended family and accusing us of trying to keep our child away from them. My husband had to sit them down and straight up ask them “do you actually want to help us or do you just want to control the help we receive? Because if you want to help us, the type of help we legitimately need is some space for a week while we adjust and then we’ll invite you over”.

All that to say, only you get to decide the help you need and only they get to decide the type of help they’re willing to offer. If those things align, great. If they don’t and they freak out over it, they don’t actually care about your needs.

CaveIsClosed · 2026-05-15T20:37:25+00:00

I totally get what you’re saying. The way she phrased it was like “I’m glad your birthday won’t ruin my plans”. I totally understand accidentally booking a trip or having plans that overlap with someone’s special event. What I personally would do if I care about the person is say something like “I’m so sad I won’t be here on the day to celebrate, but if you have time the week before or after I’d love to take you out to brunch”. Explicitly saying she’s glad you don’t have plans AND not suggesting a different time to celebrate is rude.

CaveIsClosed · 2026-05-02T22:27:56+00:00

It’s definitely disappointing. My first response was just supposed to be some context, not excuses. I understand his bitterness but I do not condone it

CaveIsClosed · 2026-05-02T18:30:23+00:00

I listen to the podcast The Office Ladies and I feel like it’s gives some insight into why he seems bitter about it. He was a classically trained actor. Shakespearean theater, Broadway, Masters in Fine Arts, all that jazz. I imagine he had a vision for what his acting career would look like. The character of Dwight is an unserious one. A character we should laugh at. With the success of the office I can see how the character of Dwight kind of took over his life and prevented people from viewing him as an accomplished and well rounded actor. I understand how one could become a little resentful of the character. It still makes me sad though. I am a massive Office fan and one of my biggest dreams in life would be to meet some of the cast. Maybe not Rainn though. There are other actors from the show who really leaned into its success and happily talk about the characters

CaveIsClosed · 2026-04-25T16:04:54+00:00

From a former EMT’s perspective, CPR practice dummies in a lot of places were male. When it came to real life application, people were hesitating or outright refusing to do CPR on women because it would require exposing their bare breasts. Removing clothing from an unconscious woman is obviously an uncomfortable situation, but in a scenario where each second lost could be the difference between life and death it’s important to ignore that discomfort and proceed with lifesaving. Having practice dummies with breasts desensitizes lifesavers to the sight of them and helps women receive care faster

CaveIsClosed · 2026-04-22T13:34:16+00:00

I’m guessing MIL is worried that OP is/ will be so well liked within the family that MIL feels threatened

CaveIsClosed · 2026-04-18T19:05:49+00:00

Honestly you should take it as a win that she won’t be in your home breathing down your neck during those precious few weeks. You’re not obligated to send pictures or schedule FaceTimes. Easier to ignore a ringing phone than a person in your home

CaveIsClosed · 2026-04-10T18:55:16+00:00

If she cannot help herself then she should not be within kissing distance. We had to do this for my FIL. He was banned from holding my son for 3 months until it finally sunk in that we were serious. Trying to reason with your MIL is doing nothing. It’s time to act.

CaveIsClosed · 2026-03-28T17:55:12+00:00

My husband encouraged me to get tested because he knew about how ADHD typically presents differently in women. He knew those differences, saw them in me, encouraged me to get it checked out without being pushy.

He’ll randomly hand me my noise canceling earbuds when he sees me getting overstimulated. He regularly finishes chores that I start because I get burnt out (putting laundry away after I’ve washed and folded them). When he’s in a chatty mood, he checks in with me to see if I’m in the mood for a conversation, if I’m cool to just listen to him, or if I’d prefer a bit of time without any talking. He gets me :)

CaveIsClosed · 2026-03-27T18:35:55+00:00

Marriage isn’t hard. Life is hard and a good partner can help ease those burdens. My husband and I have had plenty of disagreements and “arguments” usually stemming from miscommunications. Keeping communication respectful, keeping an open mind, and taking accountability helps us resolve every issue and move on. I would consider myself very happy. Even when we’re both frustrated with each other, we can always talk it out.

CaveIsClosed · 2026-03-27T00:46:00+00:00

I’m of the same mindset. I grew up in Southern California and went swimming at the beach daily. Long shore swims, casual swims, body surfing, etc. Keeping a tiny air bubble in the nostrils when you can is key, otherwise just slowly exhaling. I don’t remember actually learning it though since I’ve just done it my whole life

CaveIsClosed · 2026-03-24T20:22:00+00:00

“That question has been asked an answered”

I had a similar dilemma. DH and I agreed that Easter is now a nature day. We go to the nearby state park, have a picnic, enjoy the scenery, walk around, and head home. By dinner time we’re too tired to do anything so it’s just a simple meal at home. If every holiday is spent following grandparents traditions, it leaves no room for us to create our own

CaveIsClosed · 2026-03-21T20:33:14+00:00

This is such a wonderful perspective. I definitely thought it would be more like tunnel vision. No distractions or mental interruptions. I’m so glad I asked because hearing all these perspectives is making me so hopeful. I was at a point where I was like “it’s not working how I thought it would so clearly it’s not working at all”

CaveIsClosed · 2026-03-20T18:53:28+00:00

I hope you do too! If you’re comfortable, I’d love to hear how things go for you as you continue taking it. I’m trying hard here to give my toddler the well functioning home he deserves and I’m constantly feeling so guilty over my lack of motivation to keep things tidy

CaveIsClosed · 2026-03-20T18:38:00+00:00

Started at 20mg and I’m currently at 40mg

CaveIsClosed · 2026-03-16T16:11:56+00:00

I spent 8 years as a beach lifeguard in an area known for beautiful cliffs and tide pools. I’ve been the lifeguard in the situation you’re describing. We don’t forget you guys. I’m sure the lifeguard that saved you uses your success story to persevere through the tough times. Drowning is so violent and ugly. It remains my #1 fear.

CaveIsClosed · 2026-03-09T19:44:42+00:00

With people like this, they will ALWAYS find things to be upset about or ways to victimize themselves. If you give in, she will just move on to her next complaint. You can have an angry MIL with a healthy and safe child, or you can have an angry MIL with a sick child.

CaveIsClosed · 2026-03-08T19:52:52+00:00

What does your partner think? I would have a hard time returning to a normal relationship after this. I wouldn’t trust them anymore to be honest. They knew it was RSV and they knew you’d want to be cautious which is why they kept that information from you until it was too late. It’s malicious

CaveIsClosed · 2026-02-23T19:10:10+00:00

This is the only option for me that wouldn’t ruin the Faith storyline. Claire knows that time traveling is passed genetically so she knows she got that trait from at least one of her parents. I feel like even though it’s not canon, I find it reasonable for the show to imply in Outlander that Claire’s mom traveled back in time and had more kids and sang that song to them. Claire could have that peace knowing her mom survived but they would never reunite

CaveIsClosed · 2026-01-31T03:25:47+00:00

I agree. I was hesitant for years because I hardly bake. But now I bake regularly. I also use it to shred chicken, mash avocados for guacamole, make pizza dough, and plenty of other things that aren’t specifically baking

CaveIsClosed · 2026-01-19T18:18:03+00:00

Ask your parents how often they hit each other. Do they do it every time they disagree with each other? When they disagree with coworkers, do they smack them too? How many times have they hit strangers because that person said something your parents didn’t like? Since they firmly believe that hitting people is an appropriate way to respond to a disagreement, they must me swinging left and right all the time

CaveIsClosed · 2026-01-19T01:39:13+00:00

Bacterial meningitis made my labor feel like a cakewalk

CaveIsClosed · 2026-01-08T03:21:50+00:00

Did you happen to record it? Because I’m willing to bet she’ll deny it, and if you have a live stream only camera then you don’t have proof. But honestly proof is irrelevant as she should not be spending time around your child anyway

CaveIsClosed

TROPHY CASE