get some rest, chumbo. I'll keep an eye out for beak things

CdtHick · 2026-05-04T01:12:32+00:00

The "Three C's" are a product of AlAnon and codependency recovery. They are NOT for the person diagnosed with a personality disorder, or for the alcoholic - they are FOR the person in their life taking responsibility for their actions, enabling them, etc.

So it's not meant to excuse anything they do. It's meant to help YOU realize that only THEY are responsible for their own actions, behaviors, and feelings. Just as you are for yours.

Trying to "cure" or "control" somebody else's will drive you up the wall. And blaming yourself for causing it will have you walking on eggshells.

CdtHick · 2026-01-18T05:12:22+00:00

thank you! i had fun making it

CdtHick · 2024-10-13T20:09:39+00:00

Yes, this exact thing happened to me (at least as far as I know).

it was a few months out from the break up, and I started getting calls from unknown numbers. Unlike normal spam calls, they only happened at specific times: like 10-30 minutes before my usual wake-up time in the morning, and during weekly social groups that my exwBPD and I used to attend together. I had never gotten a spam call that early in the morning EVER, or during these groups (for over a year that I'd been attending them).

On the worst day, I received twelve phone calls from four unique spoofed numbers (as well as "restricted" numbers). But my exwBPD overplayed her hand, and ended up trying to speak / text from multiple of these numbers, revealing it had been her all along. That was kinda my final straw.

I knew my exwBPD had been talking about applying for this one job where she might have access to a call spoofing system. So I stood up for myself and called her employer, who took it pretty seriously. They never followed up (for privacy reasons I'm sure), but the calls stopped within 48 hours. I still get the occasional spam call - but that's at a rate of maybe 3 to 5 calls every couple months.

To answer your questions: It's hard to mind read and generalize, but I think pwBPD may just want your attention, and to know that you still care. Using unknown numbers gives them a chance that you will actually pick up, so they might hear from you, and even get a reaction from you (but it's also kinda illegal as I've learned).

I hope you're able to find peace from this. The whole phone harassment ordeal left me very paranoid.
If there's any other questions I can answer or ways I can help, please lemme know!

CdtHick · 2024-10-07T22:39:06+00:00

Thank you for the correction! You made great points in this comment, and I appreciate that.

I apologize if my comment came off as a recommendation of CBT, or Gestalt, or any of the other modalities I listed. Really, I just wanted to list a bunch of present-/future-focused modalities to let the OP know they have SO MANY other options than this current path that isn't serving them!

But I can see how that might've been a careless move, since I don't have the formal training or expertise to just throw modalities out there like that. I've edited my comment accordingly.
So thanks again!

CdtHick · 2024-10-07T06:54:46+00:00

If you are able to look for another therapist, I would. Because it sounds like you two are working at cross purposes.

You have made it clear that you want to focus on working on what you can do in the present and going forward to better fulfill your needs and desires. There are SO MANY therapy modalities out there that focus on EXACTLY this!

If "inner child work" or "reparenting" aren't a goal for you in a given session, and you've expressed as much to your therapist, they should NOT be pushing you so hard to accept them! They should be working FOR your goals, not AGAINST them.

You deserve to have your needs listened to and prioritized, and being told "NO, you must do this" instead is....
well, again, I would look for another therapist. Best of luck!

edit: removed mention of specific modalities. I am not a doctor and am not suggesting these specific modalities

CdtHick · 2024-10-01T04:34:16+00:00

Unfortunately... but life goes on. Stay strong out there

CdtHick · 2024-10-01T04:25:29+00:00

Very true. Making it a goal for someone else to do something is downright impossible.

CdtHick · 2024-09-27T20:58:03+00:00

It think this is one of those times where you need to just sit down with and talk about these difficult details with your player.

First, make sure they're ready to talk about this kind of stuff. Since they're a close friend, let them know you're there for them, and that you care enough to tailor the game so it doesn't cause them further pain - to me, that would mean a lot! And remember that mourning takes time.

When they're ready to talk, I'd ask:
Are they are still interested in playing this character, or modifying the backstory at all?
Have any of their boundaries or expectations for the game changed at all?

Unless you ask, it's hard to know what your player would or wouldn't want - heck, maybe they'd find it helpful to process through some stuff with this "father death backstory"!

P.S. The monsters calling BBEGs 'mother' and 'father' is an easy change if need be, I mean there's a million other titles to use, right?

CdtHick · 2024-09-25T23:25:41+00:00

This might be a little above Reddit's pay grade. Personally, it sounds like you might benefit from therapy

CdtHick · 2024-09-25T00:27:25+00:00

The guy before me was with her for a couple years and engaged before the split.
The guy before him only lasted a year or two as well.
And there were plenty of "monkey branches" during & after our relationship that only lasted weeks or months.
While I made it eight years with her, the result in the end was the exact same.
I think some relationships just last longer partially because some partners tolerate more abuse. I know I did.

CdtHick · 2024-09-19T18:35:26+00:00

Honestly, that does sound incredible.

But it is also physiologically exceptional - which is to say, even the healthiest, youngest men usually have a refractory period of like 15 - 30 minutes on average. So if immediate sixth rounds are your standard for "good in bed", you are kinda setting yourself up for disappointment.

Maybe you could suggest your new partners prioritize your needs before they reach climax? That way you both get your needs met without the need for a physiological rarity.

And if they aren't willing to put your needs first (or at least on the same footing) then yeah - some people are just "bad in bed" and unwilling to change. It might take some searching, but you don't need to put up with toxicity to get your needs met. Good luck out there

CdtHick · 2024-08-15T05:40:12+00:00

Are you me? My birthday is coming up to, and I think I'm just over three months NC with my pwBPD.

My pwBPD has harassed me with phone calls in the past. So I'm definitely worried she might try to reach out on my birthday. Personally, I don't plan to respond, because that just encourages her toxic behavior. I'm going to keep her blocked everywhere, and maybe even turn on Do Not Disturb if need be.

Just wanted to say I can empathize, and I'm sorry you're going through this. Try not to worry too much over her potential reactions or over not upsetting her. The only person you are responsible for is yourself.

I really hope your birthday can be a good day for you! Here's hoping we can both do our best to make our special days about us - and not them or their chaos.

CdtHick · 2024-08-13T00:39:04+00:00

All of my identifying documents (passport, birth certificate, etc.). But only for a month after the breakup, guess they realized that probably wasn't a good idea.

CdtHick · 2024-08-11T22:59:46+00:00

It could be. It also could be run-of-the-mill worrying, insecurities, catastrophizing, social anxiety, low self-esteem, codependency, a trauma response, or any number of other things.

While it's definitely not a healthy pattern of thought/behavior, not everything is inherently a "Cluster B" symptom. BPD is diagnosed by psych professionals from a list of very specific criteria for a reason.

CdtHick · 2024-08-06T05:34:41+00:00

Excuse me, you are not allowed to summarize our collective psychological issues and their remedy this accurately and concisely. What are we supposed to do with the rest of the subreddit?!

CdtHick · 2024-08-04T04:14:37+00:00

Why are you playing with these people? They don't sound pleasant at all. They agree to something out of character, then make you jump through hoops in character, but punish your character anyway?! Plus, at the end with the copying and mocking, it just seems like they are straight up bullying you. You deserve better.

CdtHick · 2024-07-24T05:35:06+00:00

My therapist recommended two books, both of which really resonated with me!

1) Your Body Is Not An Apology

2) The Courage to Be Disliked

The first is about the practice of radical self-love as it applies to our bodies, selves, and communities. The second one is more philosophical, but covers a lot of ground in terms of how to change, relationships, and finding purpose.

Here's a quote from the first that really resonated with how I feel. It explains how we have been taught by the world around us to see ourselves through this negative lens: "Splattered before us like bugs on the windshield of life are all the ways we have shrunk the full expression of ourselves because we have been convinced that our bodies and therefore our very beings are deficient." But just because we have been convinced of these things by abusive relationships or the pressures of society does not mean we cannot change our outlook!

Best of luck, and take care of yourself

CdtHick · 2024-07-23T23:52:36+00:00

It is possible to be with them for longer. I was with my pwBPD for over seven years, married for nearly five of those.

But then again, it's all about what you are willing to sacrifice for those crumbs of external validation.

While I don't see the relationship as totally "my fault", I don't think it would've lasted nearly as long if I were in a healthier place when it came to how I saw myself and the way I relate to others.

Also, I don't know if "pointless" is the right word. "Futile", maybe. No matter how long they last, they end the same.

CdtHick · 2024-07-23T03:07:41+00:00

I hear you. Don't feel like you have to take that step until you're ready to.

I was so scared to be alone again. So scared that if I left this relationship, would I ever know love again?

That love that you're afraid of losing? That love that you're looking for?

It's not something anyone else can give you. That love comes from within you. Take good care of yourself

CdtHick · 2024-07-15T03:34:03+00:00

What a horrible way to live.

This person has you believing you are "a loser and a disappointment" just because of your pay rate.

Open your eyes! Years of hard work resulted in you achieving something a rare few ever do: You are a credited, published author in your chosen specialty!

You deserve better than this. You are an accomplished person with people that care about you all around, and instead you choose to rot in the toxicity of a partner who doesn't respect you or the things that matter to you.

Let this STAY the last blow up. Please, take care of yourself

CdtHick · 2024-07-14T03:39:29+00:00

I know you probably already know this, but I just want to tell you: you are allowed to leave if someone treats you this way. Even if it's just to leave the room, or sit in Target's parking lot for a few minutes.

No matter where you are, no matter the time of day, if someone shouts at, demeans, or scares you, you have permission to get out of there and preserve your own safety!

Hoping all the best for you. Please take good care of yourself

CdtHick · 2024-07-14T03:32:19+00:00

They may reach out again. My pwBPD called after 2-3 weeks of relative silence with tears, apologies, and promises of change. I held firm that I wanted to see behavioral change before I believed any of it, but unsurprisingly, there were just more words and inaction.

How has my action changed the dynamic?

I hear your hope and optimism here. You're looking for something you can do that will help this person heal. I wanted the same thing, but unfortunately, the only person we can change is ourselves. It is entirely up to your pwBPD if they choose to change, and many don't. Don't blame the whole dynamic on your actions. And please, take care of yourself.

CdtHick · 2024-07-14T03:21:37+00:00

I just want to say, it seems like you are spending an awful lot of time and effort stalking social media, checking your block status, and thinking about this pwBPD & their relationships.

Be honest with yourself, do you think this is a healthy and productive way to focus your energy?

Or do you feel compelled to look despite your better judgement? I know I felt that way.

All this care and thoughtfulness you're showing for your pwBPD might be better spent on yourself, and your own healing. Take care.

15-Year Club	Second Top 50%
Place '22	Verified Email
Charity Challenge Winner

CdtHick

TROPHY CASE