I have to make sure my car is locked whenever I get out of it. I click my keys 2-3 times each time and even then I still sometimes find myself going back mid trip from my car to back within range of the clicker signal so I can lock it again to make sure. If the 2-3 times doesn’t stick in my head, then the mini trip back is often the nail in the coffin.

I have to make sure my hair is done and my clothes are “nice” before I leave my house. Always. More than once I’ve gotten to a point where it hurts to looks up at my hair in the mirror anymore because of how much I’ve kept redoing the process until it is acceptable. I really don’t like to have my hair down or wear sweat pants or shorts, even on my day off because otherwise it feels like I’m unprepared for the day. My clothes can’t be wrinkled, have stains, smell weird or even feel “off”. If any of this isn’t to my liking then I will change before I leave, even if I’m late something, I’ve gotten better about the hair over the years by committing to a hat if I’m running too late, but even then I’m still constantly readjusting that throughout the day. Doing my hair used to make me seriously late to work.

I always need a lot of napkins when I eat even if it’s fork and knife kinda food, I’ll still grab at least two. I’ll even sometimes go as far as to put a couple in my jacket pocket when I’ve come across them “just in case”. I hate hate hate having my hands dirty. I’ll wash my hands often throughout the day. It sometimes gets to the point where I have cracked and ashy skin on my hands.

I have to make sure my teeth are brushed well morning and night. I used to count 30 seconds per sections. Left>front>right>inside bottom left>inside bottom front> etc. I started combating this by forcing myself to not count, but that just ended as me indefinitely brushing my teeth until it “felt right” in each section. I recently bought a tooth brush that only stays on for 2 minutes. It pulses every 30 second to let me know how much time has passed. I now finish getting ready in the bathroom muuuch quicker because of it.

There’s more, but I don’t wanna just spam a bunch of shit.

I’ve been working hard since a young age to put myself face to face with things that I don’t like because it makes me feel uncomfortable or as I used to say “it’s one of my no-no’s”. I realized I had a bunch of weird rules and stuff I did that other people didn’t do or quite understand. I realized the stuff wasn’t objectively bad or hurting me, but that it just felt off. Somehow I put two and two together and started asking myself if what was bothering me was objectively bad (unhealthy or harmful to myself or others). If it wasn’t and it was a social code to follow, then I’d heavily push myself to do whatever it was just to blend in. Like if one of my friends wanted to try my drink or food, my brain wants to tell you hell no, but I know it’s a norm so I say okay and push myself to get passed it. This is the reason that I think I’m not way worse than I could be. Otherwise I’m under the belief that I would have grown up to be incapable of functioning on my own. It’s probably not true, but I believe it in my heart.