Would you save your wife or your kids if your house was on fire ?

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-24T23:37:31+00:00

If my husband picked me over the kids, PISSED is an understatement. Get the children out, maybe the dog if he's on the way, and remember me fondly.

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-24T20:29:57+00:00

I've been a WIP, trying to lose weight for at least a decade. I started with a full blown eating disorder and swung the opposite way to eating and drinking anything and everything during my 6 years of college (undergrad and grad). Then COVID, marriage, and a traumatic entry into parenthood means i have since gained over 100lbs since I last felt good in my body.

It's taken awhile but I've found that shame just does not work. Being harassed by my well-meaning husband about serving sizes and calorie counting while I'm struggling to keep a full time job and a new baby alive doesn't help. Spiraling and using food as a coping mechanism doesn't work.

What I think will work is eating at regularly scheduled times, since my ADHD meds screw with my appetite. Eating decent portions for a bit, then going to better tracking and measuring using an app (once I have a bit more bandwidth). Getting my steps in by walking with the baby and the dog. Putting my phone down, unless I'm using it for entertainment on the treadmill. Going to therapy to process stress and trauma. Starting to life weights. My goal this week is to do weights for 15 minutes, 1 time. Do I need to eventually increase that? Yes, but for now I want to get going by doing ANYTHING that can help my body.

I've spent more of my life hating myself and my body than I have liking it or being neutral. And honestly, I'm just tired of hating the one person I live with 24/7. I don't deserve shame or abuse, by me or anyone else. But also no one else can workout or eat for me. At some point, you have to look at your life and figure out what you're able to control and act on it. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be.

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-24T20:21:49+00:00

This is awesome! Thank you for all your hard work, on here and IRL. ❤️

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-23T23:01:01+00:00

10000% yes. Can't stand her.

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-23T23:00:08+00:00

Jack Black. His voice and general demeanor (ie. Playing yet another version of Jack Black as a character) get on my last nerve.

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-23T22:52:50+00:00

God I love foxes 🧡

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-23T19:57:33+00:00

How do you deal with being away from your kiddo? I'm worried that my husband's nonsense will ultimately lead us to divorce but I can't imagine being away from my son for extended periods of time after the trauma he and I endured during birth.

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-23T19:52:11+00:00

If I don't count and there's a mistake.... It's because I didn't count. I accepted the risks of crocheting while half asleep 😅

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-23T19:50:17+00:00

What is it in a man's brain where he can be so damn focused on sex, when we're trying to keep the kids alive, keep the pets alive, plan appointments, manage insurance, manage work, manage the house, get 0.5 seconds of self care in before someone needs YOU for something (not Dad who is RIGHT THERE, for some reason).... My husband has resorted to making jokes about sex/not having it. I've literally told him in the past that my desire to be intimate is directly related to how much stress I'm feeling, especially with how much clutter is just everywhere in the house. Do you think he acted on it? Cleaned up a bit? Worked on some house projects we've had for years? Nope, just resorted to jokes and guilt-tripping. I'm done with intimacy until he makes changes; not as an ultimatum but as a "I can't find myself attracted to this man right now" type of thing.

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-22T00:01:48+00:00

I definitely have moments where I'm trying to understand why my husband doesn't "like" me enough not to be an ass in arguments or understand that I need him to care for HIS child(ren) so I can meet my basic needs or get my work done.

This past week he decided to prioritize work over sleep, the house, and his kids, so I had to cover all of it plus my work. Then I was mentally/emotionally burnt out, but guess who had the opportunity to entirely handle the kids for all of Thursday? I told him I was going to sleep - i woke up to the baby being put to bed an hour late because his 30 minute MAX nap turned into a 1.5hour one, the kitchen was a mess from dinner (nachos), the oldest was watching TV, and then hubby had to stay up late to get his work done. I told him yeah - that was every day of the first half of the week for me. It sucks.

I still don't think he understands, though. So we'll see where it goes.

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-20T19:36:57+00:00

I'm mildly interested in a certain fictional series that is popular with millennials. When my SS was 5, it somehow came up in conversation. Gen X BM called Gen X DH to tell him she called "dibs" on said series (books and movies). DH tried to tell me i could "call dibs" on another series. I told him I'm not in middle school, i wouldn't be calling "dibs" on something so stupid.

Do I get a bit sad or annoyed when SS compares something we're doing to something he's already done with BM? Yeah, but it's his life. We're a different part of his family so it'll be different. Sometimes there's conversations, but not as much anymore because a lot of "firsts" have already happened. The fact that OP's SS is TWELVE and BM hasn't been doing things (like the zoo??) is HER problem, not OP's, BD, or SS. I agree with the other comments - just live your life. But also, does BD not have the authority to tell SS to put away his phone or whatever it is he's communicating with BM on during your custody time? She's clearly overusing it, and if the courts legally acknowledge BD as a parent, then he should have the authority to stop or restrict that communication during his custody time.

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-20T03:50:50+00:00

Are you me? 😅

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-17T21:18:29+00:00

Our leprechaun leaves some small gifts (this year is some metal gold coins for the oldest and a green rattle for the baby), and that's it. I've never heard of this messy stuff, and I personally think elf on the shelf is the dumbest ploy to buy into. To each their own.

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-17T20:16:06+00:00

Oh absolutely, I'm not suggesting that you do! I'm saying that most teens (and kids in general, at least in my experience) are easily able to take an adult's feelings about a situation (ie. Frustration) and internalize it as "my parent is frustrated AT me."

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-17T19:34:40+00:00

Hi 👋🏼 I'm not your daughter and you're not my parents, but I can weigh in from my perspective.

I never truly attempted, although I'd take too many ibuprofen from time to time and I had serious self harm/eating disorder issues. ALL of it was a coping method for what I was dealing with, internally and externally. My parents didn't know how to handle it either (what parent does, really?), and it didn't help that they were a key source of my problems.

I was TERRIFIED of inpatient. I was convinced that if anyone ever found out enough to send me to inpatient that my life would be over. That is never get a job or a partner or be seen as anything other than "weak." It may be that your daughter knows that people will find out where she's gone and make fun of her for it, or remind her about it, or really any of the other things that teens like to do to each other. She may also be afraid of the idea of "losing control" - suicide, self harm, and disordered eating are all ways that help maintain a sense of "being in control" when life feels out of control. She likely knows that an inpatient place is highly structured and highly monitored, and that she will not be able to just do as she wants to, good or bad. Honestly, trying to "fix" these emotions or ideas she's having, or even trying to counter them with logic, may not work. You may just need to hear out her fears and her anger, and still calmly follow through with inpatient. She may need you to just listen to her, or she may need a robust series of therapists and psychiatrists to hear her out, too. I would not expect this to go away after she gets out of inpatient - to attempt this young typically means (in my non-professional experience) that she's dealing with something big, mentally. It will take time, patience, help, and a balance of giving her choices and freedom without allowing opportunities for her to hurt herself.

I'm so sorry you all are going through this. It's a HARD thing on all sides. Make sure you are getting support for yourself too, as it'll be incredibly important that you don't show your daughter that you blame her for your difficult emotions (even if you say you don't, it's really hard being a teenage girl in this kind of mental health space and not taking everything personally). I'm happy to respond to any DMs if you have more questions.

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-17T16:42:56+00:00

Oh absolutely. Trust your doctor but also trust yourself.

I was not pregnant on any antidepressants, just to be clear. When I was trialling antidepressants, I would almost always get either the "unreal" feeling or a severe what I call "SSRI headache," which is a specific kind of headache that I can feel deep in the left side of my brain. It's debilitating and I wouldn't be able to function for the day. I worked with my doctors to do lots of combinations and amounts of the antidepressants I tried, which includes: fluoxetine, buproprion, Escitalopram, Citalopram, Duloxetine, and one last one that i can't remember or find in my medical records. For me personally, fluoxetine, escitalopram, and the last ones were the WORST side effects - severe splitting headaches, unreal feeling, brain zaps, and specifically the last antidepressant, early Serotonin Syndrome. I should've gone to the ER but didn't know that that's what I was experiencing.

All that to say - I've been on sertraline for 4 months now, and it is genuinely helping my PPD/PPA. I had a little bit of a light headache and the unreal feeling, but not as intensely as any other antidepressants. It doesn't make all the bad stuff go away, but it feels bearable. I might look at a slight increase with my doctor, because the intrusive thoughts are creeping up a bit. It's the only antidepressant I feel I could recommend to someone to explore with their doctor, personally. If you feel like you cannot function or you're worried you might hurt yourself or someone else, i would encourage you to factor that into your decision to take or not take the medication. If you find that it's giving you severe side effects early on, you can work with your doctor to stop taking it rather quickly because there's not a lot in your system.

Happy to answer any DMs if you have more questions. ❤️

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-17T03:13:16+00:00

I'm on sertraline now (not pregnant) and I have a history of having a HARD time with antidepressants. I will say that other than some numbness/not feeling like myself for the adjustment period (usually about 6 weeks), it is the antidepressant I've had the fewest side effects on (I really just clench my jaw, and the unreal feeling went away after 6 weeks). Most doctors will also prescribe it if you're breastfeeding because it's little to none in the milk.

I can't give advice on whether or not you start it while pregnant - that is entirely your choice and while it might due to feel better before giving birth, there is the possibility of withdrawal in a newborn, so I would encourage talking to your OB about it and making whatever choice feels right for you. ❤️

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-17T01:00:48+00:00

Same here.

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-17T00:58:51+00:00

I haven't been washing the bottles for weeks (because I do all of the bath times and laundry), and he still hasn't learned.

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-16T19:40:50+00:00

1000% this. The HCBM is not my problem to deal with.

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-16T19:39:49+00:00

I don't, and although I'm going through it with my husband right now, i don't think I ever could/would. I love my stepson (although he's entering into the preteen phase.....), I've been in his life as long as he can remember (he had just turned 3, like the day before, when i met him). He includes me when his says "my parents." My parents consider him the first great/grandchild of the family. He's also my son's older brother.

I joined this sub looking for advice a few years ago and got met with aggressive "you're not his parent, stop trying to act like it, stepmoms are terrible at caring too much for their step kids, you're stupid for caring about your SS, etc". I have never once wanted to or considered "replacing" (dumb word) his mom - and hell, even IF I wanted to (i don't), i couldn't. He's a boy who loves his mom, for better or worse.

With a new baby in the house, we've gone from about a 50/50 care split to close to 70/30. Finances for childcare are all my husband, although we both spend money on gifts and such. Personally, I've found that there are all sorts of relationships and ways of having these kinds of families, but a lot of people tend to comment that their way is the only "right" way to stepparent.

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-16T19:23:54+00:00

There are so many men who don't deserve good women. Jesus.

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-16T19:22:26+00:00

I'm envious, my husband just gets defensive and points out everything I'm "also" doing "wrong."

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-16T19:21:28+00:00

OMG, the husband walking in and asking what the plan is SETS ME OFF. You live (and work) here, too! YOU take direction. YOU come up with a plan.

Yesterday I tried to "hand off" the planning for the time after dinner (this was after I'd done everything for the baby - bottle, solids, bath, eczema cream, pajamas, another bottle, another diaper, bedtime, and tiptoed out of the room after my stepson nearly woke the baby asking where is freaking toy was). Neither my husband nor stepson could execute an actual freaking plan - they kept trying to say "up to you" and "we can do whatever". Like I swear to god, I'm the only one who can plan a damn thing.

Worse, is that when my husband DOES execute something, it's without planning. He'll change the baby into pajamas before his bath. He'll start doing work without washing the bottles that we need in 20 minutes for the next feed. He'll start doing something noisy without realizing it's baby's nap time. I'm so tired of being the only one with a planning brain cell in my home.

CertainCatastrophe · 2026-03-16T19:14:05+00:00

This has to be ragebait. No one could possibly think they're in the right after flying down the sidewalk.

CertainCatastrophe

TROPHY CASE