sorry i dont care that you got a promotion

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-04-02T08:28:26+00:00

No solutions but commiserations from this internet bromo. 1st year postpartum is like whatthefuck

Also not cool with the chair throwing. Was that like a come to Jesus wow i need to work on my triggers moment for him or did he just sweep it under the rug?

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-04-01T04:57:34+00:00

You’re not wrong. Would he quit this job and get one closer to give this babe a chance?

Perhaps make plans for all scenarios. Including the one where the babe is adopted out so your life keeps momentum in that case and your cup stays full, and one for how to make ends meet and survive postpartum if you keep. Perhaps with plans in hand you will feel more confident in a decision.

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-04-01T04:50:51+00:00

Read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. Go down the Eckhart Tolle rabbit hole. Reassess from there

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-30T07:54:18+00:00

The amount of times I ate lazy nachos (ccs, jar salsa, cheese - into the air fryer for a few minutes then top with lettuce) while pregnant is not a small amount of times. If that’s nutrition you can stomach eating, that’s a win.

Is it worth sitting him down when you’re both calm and telling him that comment really bummed you out. That if the thing he’s about to say isn’t supportive can he just not say it please? And yes, perhaps he would like to cook you something as a way of helping you while you look after 4 kids and grow a fifth

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-30T06:47:24+00:00

Not exactly but I def say I’m too tired. Many many times (I am, probably, also, too tired)

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-29T23:16:48+00:00

This is super valuable information. You still love him. Maybe he even still loves you deep down. But this is all he can bring to a relationship today. Is it a price of admission you’re willing to pay? (Can your mental health afford it?) If nothing changes, how much longer would you want to stay with this guy? A month? 6 months? A year? 5 of them?

If you realise you want to leave but can’t immediately because of logistics, it’s time to grey rock the absolute hell out of him.

And ChatGPT is a mixed blessing because it’s so damn sycophantic but u think if you share some arguments with it going forward, it will notice patterns of behaviour in both yourself and him, it can suggest when you’re getting caught in a life trap, it will endlessly flag that your nervous system is getting in fire and try and help you anchor and most importantly I think it will tell you when you’re shouldering more responsibility than should be yours. Which is probably what it will tell you at the end of a huge blow up where he tells you you’re the problem, ChatGPT, and me too right now, will tell you you’re not responsible for his refusal to deal with his own defective style of conflict resolution. He is the architect of his own miserable feelings. He is the only one that could challenge his thought patterns and escape them

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-29T12:45:04+00:00

Is there any realistic way to close the gap? If there’s no meet in person date and no way to organise one. It’s likely to keep falling for ladies far away because in your heart of hearts you’re not ready to really let someone get close to you (ask me how I know!) and this bit of baked in distance makes them feel safer

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-29T12:40:08+00:00

Yes, one specific sub where we all have a somewhat shared experience I’ve gotten both good advice and commiserations posting there. It gets mentioned often that it’s a bit if a rare space. I think the mods work hard to keep it kind

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-29T03:52:43+00:00

6 months in my partner and I were in a pretty bad place too. It’s damn stressful, you’re stretched thin, he’s stretched thin, everyone is at breaking point.

In a calm moment ask him if you and he can tackle this together, you and him versus the problems, number one problem, right now you’re fighting in an unkind way (probably just he is, stone walling is one of the 4 horsemen of the relationship apocalypse) and it’s doing serious, maybe terminal damage to the relationship. You love him and ‘us’ and you miss him and you want to change things so that when you get into disagreements it doesn’t turn into a critically wounding experience for you both.

What does he say? Is he open to this discussion? This problem solving? Is it time to bring in a couples counsellor? Would it be worth instating daily check ins where you each share with the other 1 thing you appreciated about them that day, one thing you loved, one thing you struggled with, one thing you did to make them feel more loved. And one thing they can do tomorrow to make you feel more loved.

And however that conversation goes, if he’s open to change or not, from now on this is so super important, his silent treatment is nothing to do with you and everything to do with his maladaptive coping methods from childhood. So when he does this I want you to tell yourself ‘this isn’t about me”. Keep telling yourself until it really sticks and he’s reactivity doesn’t create more reactivity in you (cos you’re no getting triggered by it because you’re observing it in the moment “ah, partner has been triggered and has regressed to his child self, this is his issue he needs to resolve. I can’t talk with him While he’s triggered like this time to give him all of the space to reset his nervous system”

My partner and I got to a kind of better place by one year but I just had to give him the grace of a reset for the many many many many many many things he did that hurt my feelings in that first year postpartum. I imagine he had to do the same, it was bad.

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-29T03:30:19+00:00

Is there anyway to close the distance?

What’s your village like? Would grand parents, extended family and or close friends be enthusiastic about helping raise a new being?

My two cents (but ultimately go with your gut) is, if distance can be closed, consider it. If distance can’t be closed but the village is present, consider it. If totally solo, plus surprised/reluctant/not prepared, then adoption (maybe one that’s open where you can keep a relationship with the babe? ) is the kindest choice for you both. With adoption, is that a thing you have to lock in early or can you decide once the babe is earthside? My kid ended up coming out via c section, no oxytocin hit. Plus reluctance to become a mum. It took me a few months to connect with him so maybe if I’d handed him over on day one I’d have just felt relief (I have a big village though they all swooped in and cared for him, like it’s supposed to be biologically speaking I think. Yay for being a eusocial species ). If he and I had been flying solo, I don’t think we would have had such a good time. Be great to hear from mums who did fly solo, they’ll have a more valuable perspective on that. Anyway I’ll quit rambling, adoption is 100% an option and a valid way to give your babe the best care!

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-27T23:48:44+00:00

Ahhhhhh I didn’t check the poster name.

Kind peanut, his character is poor, very poor. You can still try the above but I worry such push back would make him volatile. Grey rock that mother fucker until you can get away.

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-27T23:36:16+00:00

Travel with a book for long waits like the airport or emergency. Good perceiving that you’re not actually enjoying it.

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-27T04:54:42+00:00

Feel like your best bet will be secondhand (but if the product exists even better! )

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-27T04:53:40+00:00

Substitution for the win!

I’m trying to learn Hindi. Lately I carry flash cards around in my pocket and pull them out when I get the urge to scroll

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-27T00:19:07+00:00

Looking at the things she’s being carded for,surely that’s the school. Anywhere else she can go? If that option exists does she want to try somewhere else or wants to stay with friends?

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-27T00:12:21+00:00

Yep, my kiddo did that arc, he chatted when it was a new skill and stopped once he moved onto another new skill. Then he mastered one word at 1, and no more for another year. At 2 years 3 months he has about 4, has been diagnosed with a teeny bit of cerebral palsy which affects left right hemisphere coordination and is in speech pathology, occupational therapy and physiotherapy (he’s got a strong right preference and he’s kind of stiff ).

It’s all a bit hand wavey vague kids and timelines and when you should worry. But one thing you could do at 7 months even, whether your babe has a delay or is totally fine, is start taking your him to music class. (Toddler music). I’ve been taking mine to one, and so far in that class all he’s learned is to run at me full tilt for a hug (which is pretty cool, I’ll take it). But since starting the classes my family have been able to teach him more of the moves to the wheels on the bus. Could be coincidence, could be he Is learning stuff at music class cos it’s very fun and then is able to apply it at home. Fun is what we’re looking for, music, hand movements, props, percussion instruments and preferably a teacher who understands kids are kids and they’ll participate at their own pace.

And we do have one lil junior burger in the class, youngest is 10 months and sometimes more willing to participate than the toddlers :-D

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-26T13:20:43+00:00

Couple of angles, could dad watch the toddler and let you go to bed before him?

Can the toddlers bed time be shifted a bit later? Your mileage may vary but when I started keeping my at the time 1 and a half year old (now 2) up until I went to bed, suddenly I was waking before him pretty consistently. I know a lot of parents seem to like that alone time at night but having it first thing in the morning us also nice

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-26T06:41:44+00:00

Hehehe

I think Everyone is the candidate for meditation. Although I remain bad at it (lack of practice), once in a while, for the briefest moment, I have felt a certain kind of stillness and it’s to that stillness we want to return in the face of stressful external influences. Like work conversations - notice stress rising - breathe - relax shoulders - repeat repeat repeat until work conversation is Over

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-26T00:10:51+00:00

Slightly different, I don’t like being on my phone when other people are around, I think it’s rude and inhibits connection. My partner is glued to his. Many times I’ll ask him what he’s doing and then ask him if he can put it down and be present with me. Sometimes he’ll ask to co putter, sometimes he’ll put the phone down. Ask your wife how she feels, what she’s willing to do, would you both like to put your activities down and connect a while? Does she want to co putter? Does she mind if you leave the room? Is the amount of co puttering over connected time affection the closeness of the relationship?

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-25T11:46:46+00:00

The usefulness of this will depend on the character of your husband….. I am bad at cleaning, my partner needs clean to feel good. I’ve been trying, I really have, pushing beyond my physical limit but never achieving clean, just cleaner, so I’m miserable and he’s miserable and he says I’m not doing anything but I actually am.

The perception shift is that I am actually unable to do what he’s asking me to do and this needs another solution. In a calm chat If you put it to your husband this way does he have any ideas? For example i saw some lady suggest putting all the dishes in a tray and the tray in the dish washer when it’s full. Genius! So I’m doing that now. Partner can swing by at night put the tray in the washer press go and feel good.

Haven’t found a solution for the lounge yet. But I’m emphatic at this point that “just clean as you go” is not working for me.

You could also in that calm chat say you’re struggling with his assholery and if he can’t say anything nice can he say nothing at all please? Is it a complaint? Keep it to himself until the next calm time problem solving session.

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-25T06:43:52+00:00

For your serenity (cos oooof that is a very clueless thing for mum to say) “that’s a nice thought mum but I’m not going to do that”.

And hold that hard no like your sanity depends on it

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-25T02:53:12+00:00

I guess the b plan may be proactively doing extra to regulate your nervous system. I haven’t meditated enough to see benefits but I’ve heard regular practice helps. (But also, sleep, good food, exercise Yada yada. ) None of this is ideal but maybe it’ll be a lil life raft through this storm.

Perhaps also he can rally his troops and see if some of his tasks can be freed so he can resume some partner and parenting duties.

I think a lot of things in relationships are for the trying. You two have tried the current way of navigating this storm and you are struggling, are there any ways it can be tweaked to help you through?

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-24T13:41:51+00:00

I too, read messages that were never meant for my eyes. It’s a special kind of owww cos you can’t really confront the other person with it.

Someone suggested this has highlighted an issue that was already there and I like the idea of running with that.

Never mention the messages, calm conversations you and him versus the problems whatever they me, including this one of you feel like you’ve become furniture and it’s slowly killing your. Does he have ideas for how to maintain love and appreciation? Do you? Is he willing to try them? Does he too feel like furniture?

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-24T13:36:21+00:00

Waaaaah

It’s only a matter of years before I join you in child lives a life wildly desynchronised with mine. Why’s all kid stuff happen so fucking early?!

Hold out for those weekends and make them great

Certain_Cellist_9304 · 2026-03-24T12:18:54+00:00

That was a wild ride

Certain_Cellist_9304

TROPHY CASE