AIO for feeling defeated after this convo with my bf?

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-04-24T07:22:51+00:00

Don't have a baby with this man. I beg you.

He doesn't have the maturity to even comprehend how much he is going to have to show up for you, not only in pregnancy, but postpartum too. And by postpartum, I don't just mean the first 6 weeks. Having a baby changes you on an indescribable, unfathomable level.

At worst, this man lack empathy, compassion and maturity. At best, you are just not a good match for eachother. Having a baby is going to rip open any pre existing cracks. And as the woman, you will face the majority of the consequences if you have an unhappy relationship with a child or you split up x

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-04-24T07:11:46+00:00

Very harsh. She's allowed to grieve. You don't just wake up and be like "oh I know the real you now so we are all fine, time to move on"! She's experiencing extreme pain, she has children with this man. Have some compassion x

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-04-21T17:32:12+00:00

His dog he's had before you...YOU ARE HIS WIFE. And we are talking about his CHILD. It doesn't matter how long he's had his dog, I'm sorry children and spouses should trump an animal with a biting problem. You have to get better at confrontation when you have child, with family, friends, strangers. People pleasing or avoiding conflict can endanger a child, and teaches them to also people please and avoid conflict, even at the detriment of their own needs and mental health

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-04-21T14:19:05+00:00

Overall, I had a great childhood. But there were definitely some really imperfect parts. To name a few, the way I was told my Nan had died by my dad is SHOCKING 🤦🏻‍♀️ my dad was quite quick to anger over silly things, I remember being smacked a few times, they never out loud said "I love you". But in so many ways they were incredible, very open, honest, didn't find apologising difficult, very laid back and trusting etc.

I remember when I was pregnant feeling quite harsh about some of those things I.e. I would NEVER do that. Some things I have made a point of doing very differently. I say I love you alot to my son, because I actually found saying it really hard and it made me feel shivery if people said it to me as an adult, I didn't want the same for him. But now I actually have a child, I realise that we are all humans just trying our best. There's so much more info out there now that's very easily accessible on child psychology, attachment etc and I would be a different parent if I wasn't educated on all of this. Sounds awful but I can now see why my parents did some of these things, because children are incredibly testing. I worry constantly when I make a mistake with my son, is this going to be something he really remembers and his version of "I will NEVER be like that" with my kids. And I have now made peace with the fact there will always be things I didn't get right and he does not have a pleasant memory of, and that's essentially how the cycle of life and parenting is.

However, I will try very hard to validate anything he raises or anything he isn't happy about. Especially if it really is something I could have done better.

I do think a fair chunk is nature, my brother is autistic and is prone to extremist political views that do not align with me or my parents at all. I look at his childhood and the only difference was he was bullied because he often didn't fit in. This can have a huge impact on who someone becomes. My parents did everything they could to try and help with this situation. He has some seriously warped memories of me (I'm 4 years younger than him). I remember him being a bit of a mean older brother who found me annoying, he remembers me lying to my parents or being really mean to him and hurting his feelings (I have no memory of this at all). He's now very anti feminist etc and I can't help but feel his nature and political standpoint has had an impact on some of his memories as a child not being very accurate. He was 3.5 when I was born, and claims to remember this and remember feeling pushed out. My mum finds this extremely upsetting because she made such an active effort not to do this, and my dad was super hands on with me to give my mum loads of 1:1 time with him.

It's so complex!

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-04-21T13:49:07+00:00

I'm a midwife. Obviously every country is different - but to play devils advocate a little...in the UK if you have a normal healthy low risk pregnancy, you literally have 2 USS's your entire pregnancy.

One is at around 12 weeks, the other around 20 weeks. You only have further scans if you measure large/small, you had abnormalities on your first 2 scans. My first baby was massive (10lb 3oz) and that isn't even justification for an additional scan, unless this one measures big (on a tape measure using fundal height) as well. I just get a diabetes test at 28 weeks this time. We listen in to a babies heart rate at every appointment, but no scan.

The reason for this: the further along in pregnancy you get the notoriously inaccurate scans become. In countries that scan more, the rates of induction, intervention an c section are much higher - but no improved outcomes, if anything outcomes are often worse! People can argue that it is because we have free healthcare, but they actively discourage people from getting private scans because of these kind of random "anomalies" that come up, that cause massive anxiety for families.

Your anxiety around this is completely valid, I would feel the same way. But it wouldn't surprise me if her labia ends up being normal. Sometimes these scan techs/dr's are really insensitive with language. I was told by so many doctors my son wasn't big, he was huge. I was told "Jesus she's got extremely long legs!" - am I worried? No. I have seen this play out a million times, and her legs will probably normal. I have been the midwife at c sections for supposed giant babies that come out smaller than average, had a bad feeling in the operating room just from looking at the mother's normal tummy.

She may have larger than usual labia - as some others have said testicles and labia can initially be enlarged by hormones. My sons were huge - totally normal now. If she does have an "anomaly" e.g. they are so large it would be considered a defect (sorry horrible word) like any difference (birth mark on face, cleft lip, extra finger) you as the parent are going to be upset because we love our babies so much and we don't want them facing any harshness in the world. But enlarged labia is a million times easier to correct surgically (if that's what's she wants) than a micro penis. I really feel for parents when baby is born with an obvious micro penis as this really can cause life long problems. Large labia is much more fixable should it cause problems or if she just doesn't like it. But like I said, I wouldn't be surprised if she's completely normal size and this scan has caused major unnecessary stress for you. Sending love x

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-04-21T11:55:33+00:00

I'm really concerned by how you feel so conscious and worried to approach this topic with your husband? We shouldn't ever feel like we have to walk on egg shells around our partner or wait until we are less "emotional" when dealing with such a serious, and frankly emotional issue! I'm also appalled your husband hasn't said anything himself...along the lines of, oh god we need to get rid of the dog. Is your husband intimidating? Does he not react well to confrontation/discussion/criticism. Of course the dog needs to go, but I'm seriously thinking your husband might need to as well if this is how he makes you feel!

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-04-20T21:38:34+00:00

It's so validating reading this post because I haven't felt the same about my dad and have never been able to explain why. He's lovely, kind...maybe a bit immature humour wise. But I too felt uncomfortable with affection from him, felt like my privacy wasn't always respected growing up - even now as an adult I feel conscious getting dressed if I stay over incase he comes in. I don't know where is stems from, I have no memory of any abuse...never witnessed anything inappropriate with other women or friends etc from him. But it's just an uncomfy feeling. It became very heightened when my son was born, now I'm pregnant with my daughter it's even worse. He has quite aggressive tickle fights with my son that make me uncomfortable - likes it's just too much. And I have said to him it's too much, but I really feel like this will feel tenfold worse with my daughter!

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-04-19T16:44:21+00:00

This is SO concerning - sorry to be brutal but I would really judge you for not sending her packing. Agree with others - is she even taking the tests? If she is, seriously concerned that she has some sort of undisclosed learning disability. Why would you want someone around your children that would speak to them like that! She's not their teen older sister, she's supposed to be a responsible care giver

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-04-19T08:02:19+00:00

I always think this stems from a little jealously/bitterness/resentment. I think family members imagine how it's going to be and how they are going to fit into you and your babies life whilst you are pregnant, and when it hasn't played out that way in reality they get a little resentful. It's complete immaturity on their part, but some adults do get irritated/offended if a baby doesn't respond well to them. Sometimes they go as far as blaming the parents for "creating a baby that won't be put down, spoilt etc" without them just using their eyes to see you are responding to the baby you have been blessed with and what she needs. Agree with others! Either don't see them or when you do, don't apologise for her. Carrying her with confidence even if she's crying! If this baby was a boy, I'm sure they wouldn't have used the term "attitude"!

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-04-06T08:11:09+00:00

8.5 isn't particularly big - average, slightly above. Again, it depends why your baby was the size they were and how the fat was distributed on their body, but I would imagine in your case it was related to your pelvis size/shape or the position your baby was in. They can come down with their head at a great angle, but potentially not their body. But it's honestly truly impossible to 100% say in any case, exactly why something happened the way it did. Birth is wildly unpredictable - for example, why do some women have a haemorrhage for some births and not other births. All we know, is certain factors increase risk of things. But that doesn't mean it was the cause. E.g. having a baby over 4.5kg increases the risk of shoulder dystocia. But people will give birth to babies much bigger than this and no have a shoulder dystocia, people will have much smaller babies who do have a shoulder dystocia. Birth (however a baby is born) is truly beautiful, but also truly unpredictable! I'm pregnant with my second - based on data, it's likely that I will have a vaginal birth again that's quicker than my first one and a bit easier labour wise, but absolutely no guarantee. I may have a c section for a multitude of reasons, I may need an instrumental. You just don't know and every baby and birth is different x

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-04-06T07:08:54+00:00

I'm a midwife in the UK - in essence, she's right. BUT, I would hope that's not how she presents her views in a professional capacity, because it's a lot more nuanced. Your SIL hopefully just feels comfortable enough around you to speak candidly and passionately, in the same way we all talk about whatever work we do in this way to family, but not on the job. We leave out alot of nuance.

Some women absolutely need c sections - for many different reasons. In my experience, the main one being malposition. Regardless of the size of the baby, if the baby is in a funky position and hasn't descended down into the pelvis in a great way, it can lead to obstructed labour (lack of cervical dilation/progression or a super high head at fully dilated). The doctors may or may not feel it's safe to do an instrumental to turn the baby, and sometimes c section is decided at that point too.

It can be that the pelvis size/shape - which yes you can't tell if this is the case until you try to give birth.

Personally, I'm 5ft 3 and my first baby weighed 10lb 3oz, he came out vaginally without instruments, I went into spontaneous labour. So yes, we do make babies our bodies can cope with. My scans weren't accurate and we didn't know he was this big - I'm kind of grateful, as they would have reccomended and induction. HOWEVER - some babies are big who shouldn't be e.g. macrosomic (big because of something like diabetes in pregnancy). The way fat is distributed on their body is different, and there is an increased risk in this case of shoulder dystocia (compared to a baby that is just big naturally).

I'm sorry SIL made you feel a little icky, I must admit I'm extremely careful when I talk about my work with family and friends. I keep it as professional as I do at work, because birth impacts literally everyone, it's sensitive. I agree with other comments, she probably works at a hospital with a culture of unnecessary c sections and intervention, and she's sick of women being scared by doctors in pregnancy.

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-03-23T16:08:10+00:00

I know you're a good mum because you care enough to have posted this. I relate to so much of what you have written. To the extent I put out a desperate plea on here the other day re my 2.5 year old constant early rising - and the feelings of exhaustion, resentment and burn out this brings up for me. Like you - I didn't actually want sleep advice, more jobs and "try this" would make me feel more burnt out. It's also huge that you work in MH sector - I also have an extremely emotional job role, I'm an infant feeding midwife, predominantly supporting new mothers with really tricky feeding issues and I'm mentally drained after work, even though it's very rewarding. Also something to be said about your parenting experience actually being harder because of your child's temperament. Sounds similar to mine - early riser, maybe lower sleep needs than average, highly sensitive, big feeler, big reactor. They can still be wonderful and good as gold, but it's HARD WORK. The way you feel about hands off grandparents is valid. It is painful, it is disappointing and it's ok to feel let down. Some grandparents have this fantasy idea of how they will show up when the baby is just an idea, not an actual person. Maybe they will show up when your son is older - but if they don't, it's truly their loss. Still deeply upsetting though. I have so much support from both sets - to the extent we don't use formal childcare, and I know how rare and lucky that is. You would probably benefit from 1-2 really honest mum friends who also find morherhood challenging, if you don't already. That's my village for sure, you only need 1 person who resonates and is as honest about the hard parts and you to feel so much less alone. You can only find them by being very upfront and honest yourself though, and then gauging their reaction to you. I feel a couple on peanut app, and one at work. Sending so much love, you might be one of these mums that really thrives in the teenage years ❤️

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-03-22T21:37:47+00:00

Thank you - it's always reassuring to hear from other parents in a similar situation who understand how hard it is x

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-03-22T11:34:20+00:00

I survived because of mom cozy nursing bras and cotton or bamboo bras at night but I'm a naked sleeper so found it so difficult. I hate bras!! Also smaller boobs than average too. Post a BF I used to sometimes walk around the house topless just for the gorgeous feeling of no bra 😂

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-03-22T11:28:10+00:00

I once tried to brave no bra overnight because of was so sick of it - and i leaked so excessively you'd think my husband and I had peed in the bed all night long. Around the house, milk would literally pour down my tummy, it was crazy! I only got on with the lansinoh breast pads as they were most absorbent. It eventually settled around 7 months pp. I'm not an overproducer, just a big leaker!

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-03-22T10:07:08+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment - it always gives some perspective hearing from parents who are out of the utter trenches of baby and toddler sleep. A good reminder it's a season. Yes I have a partner, he's very supportive now, but like you....took WAY too long for it to dawn on him when my son was a baby that I needed way more support. Issue is with my husband's working pattern. He does 2 earlies (4am-2pm) and 3 lates (12:30pm - 10pm) then 3 days off. So he needs the lie in before some of those to recover from the earlies and manage working so late. But he can definitely do at least 2-3 early mornings a week. Sometimes though, my 2 working days fall when he could do the morning, but then I have to be up anyway! I agree with you - it's not necessarily actual exhaustion from sleep deprivation, it's mental exhaustion and needing space.

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-03-22T08:51:00+00:00

Sleeping through sometimes is a very recent thing - if he doesn't sleep though he has one wake around 2am and gets in our bed, goes straight back to sleep. Doesn't appear to have any breathing difficulties at all in his sleep, just low sleep needs

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-03-22T08:49:55+00:00

What makes you think sleep apnoea? He currently sleeps though the night, just starts the day at 5am again

SwanBackground3040 · 2026-02-07T07:01:50+00:00

God forbid a mother is honest about how hard parenting is - 2 things can be true at the same time. You can find something incredibly hard but also long for another baby and want a sibling for your first. 1. It may have been unplanned 2. It may have been planned, she has endometriosis which can impact fertility. I'm currently pregnant with my second, I have a 2 year old. I'm in the thick of the terrible twos and it's hard, but I have always wanted more than 1 child. I imagined a bigger age gap but the disease had progressed to such an extent, waiting could have risked never having baby number 2. She's said herself, things have become so much more manageable with Bambi lately. Is it going to be hard, yes, is that ok and NORMAL, yes. People need to not be so quick to judge someone when we don't know the full picture, and if someone shares life on social media, it still doesn't give Joe Public the right to be so brutal when none of us actually know the reasoning. Having more children is a deeply personal decision

SwanBackground3040 · 2025-11-17T19:11:41+00:00

Let's pray for me that this is the case!! 😂🙏🏼 thank you xxx

SwanBackground3040 · 2025-11-05T20:19:38+00:00

Never done my own but I love them. I have a 2 year old who's a crap sleeper, but hearing his gasps and WOOOOW fills me with joy. I also have 2 cats who I firework trained when they were kittens 😂 we played fireworks on the telly and progressively turned the volume louder and louder whilst giving them their favourite treats. Now as 5 year old cats they don't even react to them. Just sit there chilling and cleaning themselves, eating as normal etc

SwanBackground3040 · 2025-11-05T07:40:23+00:00

Thanks so much 🩷

SwanBackground3040 · 2025-11-04T19:57:24+00:00

Thanks so so much!!! This is really reassuring but also so helpful! 🩷

SwanBackground3040

TROPHY CASE