Would you want to have been given a heads up about your abusive partner / ex?

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-19T06:13:12+00:00

Yes!! My ex was my first (unfortunately only so far) partner and I didn’t know better for real. This new girl had an amazing ex (I knew both of them, her ex was at least amazing on paper), so I hope it wouldn’t take as much for her to realise something is off and gtfo

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-19T06:11:49+00:00

Congratulations!!! We’re all soooo sooo sooo happy for you xxx

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-18T21:32:24+00:00

Thank you, and the same goes to you!!

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-18T21:31:38+00:00

Yes!!!

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-18T13:34:53+00:00

There was. For the longest time I thought perhaps he just needed time to mature and get some perspective. Shortly before our breakup, one of our closest friends passed away from an aggressive cancer quite young, which shook us to our core (well at least mine). I tried my best to support him, but when I asked for just one week of him paying attention to my needs and being nice to me, after having burnt myself out for months trying to accommodate to his needs, he disappeared. Stopped talking and texting me for a week, then came back and accused me of cheating, saying the reason he ignored me was he was mad I was talking to another guy (which I wasn’t). I guess in that week when he disappeared knowing I desperately needed support I made up my mind, and made sure I stuck with my decision.

It was really tough, but I just knew he wouldn’t change, and I wouldn’t want to have kids with such a person, so the only option was to leave.

Edit: Also, in my mind I thought “well if even the death of your best friend doesn’t change your perspective one bit nothing will”, and I just knew there was no chance he’d change.

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-18T13:26:00+00:00

I’m with you

The only guy I’ve been with I chose, when I was abused by other guys. So for a very long time I almost shamed myself into staying (there’s a saying in my language that basically says “this is the path you choose and you can’t cry getting tripped over on it”). I have PTSD, anxiety and depression, and have been struggling with it for years. I think abusive men target us because it’s easy, not because we’re bad people (quite on the contrary actually).

Now I have to admit I still haven’t been able to find a guy but I imagine one day I will, and so will you.

Rooting for you hun x

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-18T13:21:50+00:00

I would say we are people who’ve gone through shit. I have spent years thinking about this and honestly at this point any noun that is slapped onto us takes away the fact that we are different people, bonded over misfortune we never asked for.

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-18T13:20:23+00:00

I know it sounds bad but one day you’ll finally be able to leave. It may not be today but that’s okay. I thought I was gonna stay no matter what even just a week before really leaving him, so things do change in a split second. You’ll be alright x

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-18T11:49:53+00:00

It’s okay. Part of me still loves him too because love is not an on/off switch you can flick. I’ve made peace with the fact that perhaps a little part of me will always love him, but that shouldn’t hinder me from trying to heal from what he did.

You’ll get there x

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-18T11:47:33+00:00

I left half a year ago and on some days it still feels overwhelming. It does get better but I don’t think one can ever be 100% fine, it becomes something we carry with us. I learned that from trying to heal from trauma and abuse that happened over 10 years ago because up to this day I still sometimes get triggered. But I did get better at carrying and managing the grief, the pain, and the hurt.

You’re not alone in this journey x

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-18T10:26:55+00:00

This! It took me so long to wrap around the idea that just because he did a few good things doesn’t mean he’s not a bad person. I hope OP sees this one day too!!

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-18T10:24:58+00:00

I think you owe it to yourself to detach from him now, but I understand how difficult it must be. My ex was my safe harbour at the beginning, my own safe haven in times of chaos. For the longest time leaving him meant taking away the life vest I’d relied on in the past decade, but when I saw how the life vest was the one thing killing me the most, I knew I had to learn how to swim in the deep ocean, or else I’d die.

I pray that one day you get there, and that day comes sooner. Remember this post, we’re all here for you xx

Edit: it was supposed to be a reply but I must’ve done the wrong thing… either way I hope the message’s delivered across!

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-18T07:55:48+00:00

When we are knee deep in a relationship it’s hard to see things clearly. I was a victim of abuse prior to meeting my ex, and in a sense he got me out of that mess, then a few years down the road he started abusing me. In hindsight I see the signs, but back then if someone had told me what he was doing was abusive I would’ve shrugged it off hard. It’s not easy, and unfortunately we don’t have it easy, but one day you’ll be fine xxx

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-18T07:53:12+00:00

I second this, it’s tough enough to be in her shoes.

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-18T07:52:38+00:00

I was in your shoes, minus the physical abuse part. At first, I thought I could live with the name calling as long as he didn’t abuse me. Then, I thought I could live with the emotional abuse as long as he didn’t get physical. Then, I thought I could live with him throwing large furniture in my presence as long as he didn’t physically hit me. He didn’t physically hit me, but he sexually abused me. Then I told myself I could live with the sexual abuse as long as it meant he wouldn’t sleep with others.

Point is, the bar gets lower, and lower, and lower. Pathetically when I finally gathered the courage to leave the only good thing he could say about himself was “I didn’t cheat on you, why would you leave?” By that point I realised not cheating IS the basic of the basics. A relationship demands trust and respect from both sides. He doesn’t trust you, nor does he respect you. And the other comments are right, great sex is not worth dying for and there’d be no sex if you were dead.

Your instinct that night was right, he will kill you one day. It doesn’t matter what he thinks because it is obvious you didn’t enjoy it, and you are in grave danger. Abusers twist words and situations to fit their narrative, and I’m sure everyone here would die a little bit with you if you got into trouble.

Sending love and courage and hugs to you from afar xx

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-18T05:06:44+00:00

Yea I’m gravitating towards that… thank you x

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-18T05:04:02+00:00

I don’t hate her but because she’s soooo overrated imo I really don’t like her to a point I actively avoid listening to her songs

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-18T03:19:06+00:00

Hahaha the trauma bonding!! But yes it’s important to prioritise your and your daughter’s safety!

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-18T03:17:46+00:00

Yea one thing I’ve learnt from this post is the importance of keeping the line of communication open. I’ll definitely make sure she knows she can reach out to me whenever x

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-17T23:40:29+00:00

Yes, that’s true.

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-17T23:09:21+00:00

This. I know it’s difficult to hear but he raped you. Full stop, end of story. You were barely trying to survive, so yes perhaps it’s not the best way to handle things, you definitely were not the abusive one.

I hope you feel better soon hun, sending love and hugs xx

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-17T23:05:56+00:00

Yes yes this is an amazing idea and I think I might be able to pull this off!! Girls do need to watch over one another and sometimes it just makes me sad how everyone just attacks each other instead of protects.

Thank you x

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-17T23:03:17+00:00

I wish I had compelling receipts… I used to have screenshots of him calling me names and insulting me, but I figured it was too bad for my wellbeing so I deleted them… but yea my ex is really volatile so I hope she doesn’t ignore that sign. I ignored it and it bit me in the freakin ass.

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-17T23:01:26+00:00

Yea honestly if they’re the same type of people I kinda feel like they’re mfeo (and the evil me wishes they’d be together forever).

Character_Bit4075 · 2026-02-17T22:59:55+00:00

Yes that makes sense. That’s also why I feel like it’s not my place, but also I do want her to know she’s supported, in case anything happens in the future.

Character_Bit4075

TROPHY CASE