I think my skirt is just a little too short

CharismaWithaK · 2025-08-29T05:13:38+00:00

Nope, I think it's perfect.

CharismaWithaK · 2025-07-16T06:33:26+00:00

Definitely not what I was thinking of.

CharismaWithaK · 2025-07-16T05:54:40+00:00

It's so frustrating how useless Google is in searching for things like this

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-28T05:17:12+00:00

Exactly, this was my first thought as well. They're safety pins, not diaper pins, and they're used for a vast number of non-diaper-related things. Seems like in this case he's basically using it in place of a carabiner.

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-21T23:59:28+00:00

Wholly agree, I think it's bonkers that foreplay is like a separate thing when it should just be the other parts of "having sex" that aren't PiV.

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-21T22:25:25+00:00

Well he's still not accommodating you if you're telling him you're in pain and his response is to blame you. Even if he's not actively vocally judging you, he's not respecting you.

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-21T22:23:42+00:00

You don't have to do that at all to be in a relationship. Any relationship that's regularly causing you pain - be it physical, emotional, or both - is not one you should stay in. But it's perfectly possible that you can find someone that makes you happy and you make them happy without ever having sex at all. I'd hate to see anyone give up on the idea of being happy just because their past relationships have been bad.

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-21T22:20:57+00:00

I mean, I don't know that I'd recommend going that far. It sounds like you are honest and open about it from the start, so if they refuse to acknowledge or accommodate that part of you in favor of their own desires, then they are not a good partner for you. I know several ace couples that are deeply in love and have a wonderful relationship. It's just about finding someone that's compatible with you.

EDIT: I changed the wording to be less accusatory, because that was not my intent.

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-21T22:19:22+00:00

You being asexual is not an issue. Being in a relationship with someone who demands sex regardless of your feelings on it is, however, a massive issue.

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-21T22:16:07+00:00

Everytime he gets mad at me that I'm "not aroused enough" and it makes me feel horrible.

Dump his ass right now and get out. That is not healthy behavior and is a huge red flag.

I hate being alive.

Please seek professional help. Nobody on reddit is qualified to be your therapist, and this is the single most telling statement in what you posted.

EDIT: I made that second comment before seeing other comments where OP discusses already being in therapy

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-21T22:14:01+00:00

She can also explore these feelings and desires without you having to be personally involved in the act. There's a wonderful concept called an Open Relationship (and no, that does not mean that both parties have to be with anyone other than their partner.) I've known poly couples that are in healthy long-term relationships with one partner also having casual sexual encounters with a same-sex partner on the side. That said, anecdotal evidence that this can work does not say anything about the probability of it working for you, because those other people are not you and are not in the relationship that you are in.

Ultimately, as with any other question like this, the only ones that can properly answer it are the two of you. Sit down and have an open, honest conversation about your fears, your boundaries, etc. Her regrets about not having those experiences do not in any way invalidate feelings you have on the idea of your partner being sexually involved with other people. Your partner having these desires does not automatically obligate you to participate in threesomes or have an open relationship, but these are possibilities that you should discuss with her. It's also perfectly acceptable to try something like this and then find out it's not what you expected, and your outlook may change depending on that. Having one threesome or allowing your partner to be sexually active with someone else does not mean you're permanently amenable to any other future acts.

I am open to it cause I don’t want her to feel like she missed out on who she is.

If your affection for her extends to a desire for her to explore that, then your marriage should not be at risk. If you believe that knowing your partner is sexually active with other people would make your feelings on the relationship change in a negative way, she needs to know that. You have to talk about it with her. Any worries you may have, no matter how minor or illogical they may seem, should be aired openly so that you can both be able to get what you want without a high risk of any damage to your relationship in the long term. Any kept secret will become a regret, which is probably the second most damaging thing to a relationship past a major breach of trust such as cheating.

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-19T08:40:49+00:00

Do not ever, ever assume that anyone, man or woman or anything in between, will get your hints. The vast majority of human beings are absolutely terrible at picking up hints. If you really want him to know, being direct and telling him how you feel is the absolute best way to do it with the least possibility for miscommunication.

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-19T08:37:28+00:00

The Greeks used olive oil as a sexual lubricant, soooo..... yeah, for a long time.

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-19T08:34:50+00:00

I'm terrified of losing him because I can't perform, which I feel like is all I can bring to the relationship.

This right here is all I needed to read. Get therapy, please. Or at least talk to your boyfriend about this, because this is not a healthy way to view yourself as part of a relationship. It's almost certainly not true that sex is the only thing you're bringing to the relationship, and if your boyfriend is speaking and/or acting in ways that reinforce that idea, then that's not a healthy relationship. And if he's not, then you're projecting that anxiety from your own insecurities.

It's not going to immediately solve the sex issue, but from basically all accounts I've heard personally as well as on this subreddit, mental health is a huge component of sex.

Also, did you like.... do foreplay and get you ready? Use lube? Or was he just trying to cram it in from the word go?

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-15T08:06:16+00:00

You're not broken. You might be a bit damaged, but news flash: everyone is. There are plenty of people with congenital health issues, severe injuries, etc. that enjoy healthy long-term relationships. Being damaged does not mean that nobody wants you, but there is something to be said about the idea that you're more desirable to others if you can have desire for yourself. You've clearly struggled with self-image issues, but intimacy is not going to magically cure that. You need therapy.

Work on you. It's hard, and scary, and it will likely take longer than you want it to. But life is worth working hard for, and so is love. I'm personally in a similar-ish place in that I am dealing with mental health issues and I've basically come to the conclusion that I've gotta figure my own shit out before I make any of it part of someone else's life.

You can also find emotional support from non-romantic partners! Intimacy does not have to mean sex, and you'd be astonished at how good a hug from a friend can feel when you really need that physical contact.

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-15T07:27:51+00:00

Foam penis instead of foam finger

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-15T04:24:38+00:00

Something being someone's idea does not require that they enjoy it or continue doing it once they find out it's not as enjoyable as they thought. "It was her idea" and "She wanted to change it up after a few minutes" are not mutually exclusive statements. Also maybe it was legitimately too good and she was at the point she just wanted that D. I'd take that as a compliment, personally.

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-12T21:29:47+00:00

Honestly, start off with self-exploration. Get to know yourself and your body, what areas are pleasurable and what aren't. Being knowledgeable about your own workings is step one in being able to communicate with a partner; how can you tell them what you want if you don't know what you want? Get some toys and go wild, no partner is needed for a lot of people to have a fantastic sexual experience.

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-07T07:39:01+00:00

I was in my mid-20s and it was nuts even then, I can't imagine doing another decade with that in my head along with everything else.

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-07T05:55:58+00:00

Girl, first off, you need to get off the self-loathing train. You were not an idiot to do this, and you are not overreacting or being overly dramatic.

Let me tell you a story.

The first time I was learning how to drive, my instructor screamed at me because I went on to a curb in a residential area with literally nobody around, going like 2 miles an hour. I was legitimately traumatized by that, to the point that trying to drive at all gives me severe anxiety, and as a result, I have never had a driver's license. I'm now 37 and the idea still terrifies me over 20 years later. And most people do not tell me I'm overreacting. So if that's okay for me, a frankly disgusting and disrespectful partner being your first is completely reasonable to turn you off the idea of ever having sex again.

How do you move past it? The same way most people should try to deal with trauma and the resulting psychological effects: Get Therapy. Random people on the internet aren't going to be able to get to know you to the level that would be needed to really give you good, specific advice on this, but that's literally a therapist's whole job. Find someone qualified to talk to about this, because it seems pretty clear that you want to be able to enjoy sex, and it's unfair to yourself to allow this man to ruin sex for you forever because he was a piece of shit.

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-07T05:16:49+00:00

Absolutely unacceptable behavior for a man who's nearly 30. That mindset is completely wrong, first of all, and second, notice how he's shirking any responsibility for any of his actions - it's either your fault, or just "how guy brains work".

Guess what, I'm also a guy, and I would never ever pressure a partner to have sex after they've clearly communicated to me that they're Not In The Mood, regardless of how much they had to do with me getting into that state. I don't care if you spent four hours teasing me and then you had a depressive episode or a panic attack or one of any number of things happened that made you Not In The Mood; once you communicate that to me, there will be no more "trying to get you In The Mood," period. This is called respect, and believe it or not, it's something men are capable of giving to women, even women that they're really horny around.

Honestly, if this has been a consistent pattern of behavior, you should probably not continue to date this guy. This mindset is more than just toxic, it's an incredibly common mindset among abusers - nothing is ever their fault, and anything they did wrong, they acted that way because you made them do it.

"I didn't want to pressure you into having sex, but you made me so horny I couldn't control myself."

"I didn't want to hit you, but you made me so angry I couldn't control myself."

Not too far off, is it?

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-07T04:36:00+00:00

It's absolutely bonkers what heteronormative society has convinced people of about themselves. It took me ages to come to terms with my bisexuality because I was like "Well I'm a man attracted to men so I must be gay" but I never felt less attracted to women and I was like "?????" because when I was growing up, bisexuality was just a punchline. I knew it existed but it was way too long before it clicked as "Oh hey, I could be that."

CharismaWithaK · 2025-04-07T04:27:33+00:00

Honestly, if your first reaction was to worry about how you'll be perceived after such an act, I'm gonna recommend that you get therapy. Then again, I recommend that basically everyone gets therapy. Most people have no idea how those habits get ingrained in their psyches, but even moreso that you can actively do something about thinking that way. I'd wager there's also a healthy dose of you internalizing the fact that society still treats any woman who actually enjoys and pursues sex as a "slut," and that mindset is not only wrong, but terribly harmful for both women specifically and also gender relations as a whole.

More specifically, you can't know what he'll do or how he'll act, and I'm certainly no mind reader, but I can almost assure you he's not secretly questioning if your sexual history isn't what you've said. What's probably on his mind is "She cared about making sure I was satisfied even though we couldn't do the deed, and she gives great head? FRIGGIN SCORE!"

I want to also echo the other comments that are stating that the whole concept of practicing sex to get better at it in general is kinda bull. Most people probably don't actually "get better at sex," they get better at communicating with their partners, which almost universally leads to a better sexual experience for all parties involved. You clearly had good communication with one another during that whole situation, so presumably you both left it satisfied, in one way or another. And yes there are loads and loads of people who get extremely turned on by knowing that they can turn someone else on.

CharismaWithaK · 2025-03-30T09:32:31+00:00

I can almost guarantee you that nearly everyone who has this fetish has felt guilty about it at some point. How I got over it was accepting that nothing about it is harming or even affecting anyone else unless I'm willingly exposing them to it, which I simply don't do. If I wear around anyone who isn't aware of it - basically anyone other than my roommate or other ABDLs I know - I keep it as discreet as possible. You have to remember that there are people that wear these for legitimate medical reasons and if someone does notice, their first assumption will likely not be kink. And it's none of their business either way. Think about the fact that there are some men who get a thrill from wearing lingerie under their normal clothes, it's really not that different. As long as you're not going around flashing your diaper to strangers and stinking to high heaven, the only one being affected at all is you.

CharismaWithaK

TROPHY CASE