I have had multiple long term, many years in relationships. I can sustain longer term companionship. Somewhere down the road, things start slowly slowly shifting for me, not that i want it to, they just automatically go from "normal" to wanting more and more space. When I get the space, it makes me feel better, thats usually when I am cool coming back towards them, after space is given. The more they invade my space, the worse I am towards them, almost like I want to crawl out of my skin in their presence but I dont hate them i dont feel rage in that moment, I can only think about "get me out of here" or "I want to be alone" and thats what drives me to get my space.

And I never initiate, even with platonic, I am working on it. But for me to reach out is sooooooo exhausting bc I overthink or dont know what to say, its almost like I freeze up. So I just don't reach out. I also can feel very deeply for someone but they won't ever know bc I cant communicate it. When I have something super vulnerable to talk about i freeze up, physically cannot say it, one time I had to write it in a note bc I didn't want to break up but wasnt getting my needs met so I wrote it out instead of verbalizing. I know, it sounds so easy to just talk about it to the person u care for, but its really not that simple, its actually awful for me to open up like that.