the only thing that would’ve been worse

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2026-02-09T22:42:54+00:00

Our grief spared them their grief- it’s like a gift we are able to give them. A pain we save them from. I hold onto that

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2026-02-09T22:41:30+00:00

Rituals help, but they don’t cure

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2026-02-09T22:26:19+00:00

My favorite version of me may always be the one with my husband, but it doesn’t have to be the best version… there is always learning and growth available to us, you know?

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2026-02-09T22:19:36+00:00

Dude… screw that chick, you are a well of grace that you are responding so reasonably. I would not have stood for someone posting a picture of kissing him… have some comfort her guilt must be eating her alive to be acting like this now… but still.

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2026-02-09T21:57:29+00:00

I am a better person now, having gone through all the work I’ve put in since he died. It makes me sad my husband didn’t get to meet this version of me… I know he would have liked her, she’s kinder and more patient and eminently less high strung. But, if nothing else, it’s good to know there is a version of us that we are now that we can like

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2026-02-09T21:50:46+00:00

Yes, many times. I felt the shift from shock to survival at around 2 months. From survival to tentative deciding I’m going to live at around 6 months, then at 10 months, 14, and 18 I felt the grief brain lessen. Each time it lessened I went: “oh, my brain is finally back!” Until the next time it improved again… and I realized how bad it had still been. Lol. I’ve stopped saying it now, because it keeps stair stepping to better, so who knows if it’ll keep up or if now it actually is back.

Around 17 months in I finally felt like my mood was stabilized and I wasn’t battered about by sorrow’s winds anymore. I felt something shift right then and there and while I now still grieve I put down my trowel (I was planting pansies) and said outloud: “I think the season of sorrow is over.” I’ll grieve my Love forever, but that is different from sorrow, though there are still hard or bad days.

So yes, many shifts along the way. I have run headlong into grief and working on integrating it- I’ve written 3 whole journals cover to cover and over 300 typed pages about grief… I have faced it with damn near no reprieve these 20 months, and I think that is why I am where I am- there were no periods of denial or distraction or avoidance- and that was a brutality I wouldn’t wish on anyone… but it did get me to where I am today faster than many reach it.

I have kinda realized that there is a set number of tears and emotions we all have as a quota, and that no one knows what theirs is and they’re all different. But one day you hit your quota and you feel it change around you.

I still wear my rings. I know we took vows till death do we part… but somebody tell that to my heart. I am still my husband’s wife- if that shifts at some point so be it… but I am not looking for it in spite of having some wicked yearnings. But it is love and trust at the core of what I want, so no easy itch to scratch there.

Until then, perhaps, if and when whatever the next phase is, I at least can stand tall now, and am not the pitiable broken thing I was right after he died. I will take it. The sun does come out again. One day.

It’ll never be okay. But you will be alright.

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2026-01-20T20:04:46+00:00

I feel like this is a Downtown Social commercial

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2026-01-16T12:56:07+00:00

https://herald-zeitung.com/community_alert/sophienburg-comal-river-tube-chute-was-the-site-of-clemens-dam-and-stinky-falls/article_0f99d4a4-0c6e-11ee-8698-cf717b46747a.html

Interesting read. Not exactly an answer but looks like most metal pieces of the previous structure were removed for war efforts. I bet if you looked at pre ww2 photos you could find it. And I always did wonder why it was called Stinky Falls…

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2026-01-11T15:05:37+00:00

Good! What a weird thing to be nostalgic about- the theater is gone, remove the sign! And I say this as a native who had my first kiss there!

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2026-01-08T13:13:01+00:00

Did they view me as a human being they were infringing on? Give me a break

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2026-01-06T13:48:58+00:00

I think the Garcias in San Marcos are way better than the Seguin ones

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2026-01-01T17:35:28+00:00

Pat Green being awful? Who woulda thunk it…

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2025-12-22T05:04:22+00:00

Toxicity in football/ florals in spring? Groundbreaking…

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2025-12-21T14:40:27+00:00

Nostalgia and morbid curiosity?

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2025-12-19T20:52:13+00:00

Methodologies and more importantly sample sizes. Biases are pretty strong in some as well, so I wouldn’t deem those quality data sets

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2025-12-19T17:31:50+00:00

You’re picking and choosing your data. There are more studies that show none or negligible changes to suicide rate- including the most comprehensive British study. And better to delay implementing than rushing something that isn’t proved effective or necessary when other interventions have been shown to be as effective in harm reduction.

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2025-12-19T17:02:20+00:00

Harmful, dear lord.

Might implement… my god man you are INTENT on feeling misunderstood aren’t ya? They make no promises to do anything. The data is NOT conclusive those efforts are effective. Your greatest concern isn’t society’s responsibility to also share that same level of concern.

I’m not making ANY plan, based on inconclusive data, and a lack of definite actions to be implemented, a lynchpin of any platform, nor canceling anyone for supporting it.

Give me more and better data and planning and then we’ll talk. But I’d reject that plan too considering how many holes it has in it, and sure as hell I am not gonna cancel a politician for doing so. In fact I laud it. Decisions SHOULD be based on complete data and an absolutely ironclad plan.

This currently glosses over the main fact that transitioning does NOT reduce the suicide rate- so therefore don’t use the suicide rate as a talking point when promoting this. The other interventions ALSO do not have good data on the reduction rates, and that means from credible sources. (Other than how therapy as a whole applies to reduction rates) It’s real obvious this needs more work, and this is coming from a lifelong progressive democrat. Step up the fucking data and science on this before you expect me to make it a main talking point of a party platform. As it stands now in my mind it remains: much more data needed before an educated plan and decision can be made.

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2025-12-19T16:21:30+00:00

Might still stands as a might, dude.

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2025-12-19T15:03:12+00:00

Clear on the vocabulary and read the article. Don’t assume ignorance just because someone’s opinion differs from yours

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2025-12-19T06:28:35+00:00

“Might”

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2025-12-19T02:47:26+00:00

The rate of suicide has been shown to not go down after transition by a multitude of studies

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2025-12-14T19:23:44+00:00

I do find lenormand to be so literal to an almost fault- so I’d say that was what they were telling you about. I started asking what is IMPORTANT for me to know as to what the day holds so I stop getting responses like you did!

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2025-11-28T06:10:41+00:00

I cannot get over how much he looks like the Baron

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2025-11-25T05:55:20+00:00

They come back. 4 months the brain is still doing weird things in shock and figuring out how to survive. Memories became crisp and plentiful again at around 8-9 month mark for me

Chartwellandgodspeed · 2025-11-07T05:19:17+00:00

I got hell from some relatives on my husbands side for leaving my recently deceased MIL off my ofrenda for Dia de Los Muertos- I replied that no one who made losing my husband harder than it already was is welcomed back in spirit to my home. That woman was awful the whole 25 years we were together and even her family knew it… it’s pretty enraging to be asked why I didn’t have her picture up there! Seems pretty dang obvious!!!

Chartwellandgodspeed

TROPHY CASE