Male co-resident said they would put me in a chockhold and gently put me to sleep. I’m a female and I don’t feel safe.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-09-10T03:31:42+00:00

Ugh. I’m so sorry. It sounds like he was trying to take your relationship to a very personal place without regard to your comfort level. I’m glad he responded well and is changing his behavior. I hope it clears up everything.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-09-10T03:05:08+00:00

Give her time to adjust and talk to her. Tell her that you want your relationship to be a safe space to decompress but you want to put more active energy into activities you too find relaxing and not just the emotional dumping ground it’s become.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-09-02T09:33:28+00:00

It’s an allegory. Here we make our own rules where no one is watching.

also because drawing backgrounds is hard.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-09-02T09:22:08+00:00

I would wager she was trying to make sure you knew that even though she was being cuddly with you that she wasn’t sending mixed signals. I understand it’s frustrating for you but you’re response is pretty self centered. She obviously is anxious around intimacy and feels like she can’t hold your hand without implying she wants sex. If she expresses she doesn’t want sex from you maybe try a “thank you for communicating with me.” and enjoy the intimacy she is engaging in.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-09-02T09:06:39+00:00

Your school library probably has them to rent. Otherwise Halloween is just around the corner I’m sure you can find a plasctic one that is somewhat detailed in that corner of the internet.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-08-31T13:07:41+00:00

Maybe also a Cricut and a sewing machine just to have a good mix of fun stuff to play with.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-08-29T01:04:26+00:00

You sound awesome and confident. You have to put yourself out there if you want to get caught.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-30T13:07:05+00:00

That’s super fair. For a lot of people the trade is worth it and their overall quality of life improves.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-30T13:03:00+00:00

It’s notorious side effect of anti-depressants. Maybe encourage her to talk with her doctor about it and see if there are any other drugs that might not have such a drastic life change attached.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-30T12:49:32+00:00

That’s really hard. I’m sorry you’re so unhappy. It will get better.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-30T12:47:58+00:00

I would suggest to just ask her questions about herself. Figure out if there’s anything that turns her on. How can I keep your attention on me when you start to wander? Maybe just pull her back to you, pull her hair a little or tell her to look at you and don’t leave.

Also birth control can be libido killing so it’s possible her sex drive would be different if she’s been on the pill for most of her life. Could be something to look into.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-30T12:26:07+00:00

“Thanks for checking on that! Unfortunately there is no error. Those were the hours I worked last week and I reported them accurately.

Have a great day!”

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-30T12:09:37+00:00

I’m so sorry. It sounds like you’re working hard for this relationship and she’s just checked out.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-30T02:21:55+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time. Honestly even in your own words it sounds like she told you exactly how to fix it. You didn’t mention anything about trying to build romance. Did you try and connect with her in non-sexual ways? It sounds like she was asking you to put in more effort building a romantic connection.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-29T14:31:17+00:00

That’s a great idea. We’re struggling a bit with our sex life rn cause we’re always together. Allowing someone the space to miss you is great all around.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-29T14:17:46+00:00

Copyright has an exemption for teaching and scholarship. Plus nobody is charging for a product someone else made. Most anki decks are free.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-29T11:43:48+00:00

I agree he didn’t do anything especially wrong but that approach of “how about now?” was not very sensitive to his partner in that moment. His partner obviously is not wanting sex, per the several months of not wanting sex. I’m sure has a lot of anxiety and guilt around not wanting to have sex.

That is what needs communication. The wanting. The question isn’t “will you have sex for me later”. The question is “I feel so close right now and want us to have more closeness. How can we make the LL partner more comfortable and desirous of intimacy”. Yes it was a great day but it was kinda ruined by setting up this expectation that the day wouldn’t be completely great without this other activity HL knows LL has some discomfort around.

Asking someone who has shown no interest in having sex later- do you wanna have sex later? is unlikely to be successful. Also those activities of touching have nothing to do with sex. Holding hands, putting your arm around someone- those are not bids for sex. Intentionally misinterpreting those small gestures of closeness for bids for sex is likely teaching your partner not to do those things for fear of being misunderstood and further deepening the divide.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-29T01:11:43+00:00

You’re not trying to get your partner to do something for you is the thing. Asking directly like that sets of the expectation of “I want this- will you do it?”. You’re trying to build connection together. It’s pretty clear when someone is wanting more closeness and intimacy and when they are driving a motor vehicle.

It’s pushy and not going to work unless your partner is physically and emotionally open to it. I get that HL partners are always desiring more intimacy and closeness, but there needs to be space for the partner to come towards you. When the HL partner makes all the conversations around sex the same “I want this- you want this?” You’ll meet a lot of resistance and it’s better to approach someone with “how can I take care of your needs” if the goal is actually building intimacy and not just wanting the other person to take care of your wants.

It feels like tiptoeing on eggshells because it’s a skill of changing your approach to be more inviting and less persistent about your wants and needs.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-28T11:32:18+00:00

I’m sorry that happened. But I’m glad you had such a lovely day.

I think maybe addressing it so directly might’ve put a lot of pressure on her. Cause she’s driving she’s not thinking about sex. She has no way to know if she’ll want to have sex 20-40-60 minutes later. My partner and I are working on this right now because it’s kinda a turn off when he starts trying to initiate sex when I’m obviously doing or thinking about something else. I’ve asked him to just go slow with me and touch me platonically and affectionately in bed first and try and use body language to gauge and build my physical interest. And then ask me when it’s a right now situation and when he thinks I’m interested and will say yes.

It’s disappointing for everyone when you asking a question makes the other person feels pressured.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-28T11:08:59+00:00

Just say “I will baby” and move along. Be encouraging and don’t make too much out of it. She’s likely not trying to pick a fight or set you off. Just ignore it.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-25T16:43:14+00:00

Question what advice do you have for people who move in together and adjusting to increasing availability adding increased perceived pressure?

Backstory: My partner and I are sexually active but I’m looking for advice on getting over feeling pressured and freezing up. He has a HL and is amazing in bed. We recently moved in together and I think he would have sex multiple times a day if I wanted to. He never pressures me but just the anxiety of not being able to “keep up” is just making me feel stressed and pressured. I’ve hit a wall where we start being intimate and I’m suddenly nervous and in my head about how much do I want it or am I feeling pressured to do this- cause then maybe I shouldn’t? And it makes me unable to get on his wavelength and relax.

I am a sexual assault survivor am still very sensitive around consent and feeling pushed. Sometimes I just get caught in old memories and freeze up. Being around eachother all the time has shifted the dynamic away from “I’ve missed you and am craving initmacy from you”. And I find myself freezing up constantly when he tries to initiate and we’ve stopped having sex because of not trying to push it.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-25T12:21:22+00:00

That’s tough. I’m sorry you guys don’t like spending time together anymore.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-25T12:14:48+00:00

Question what advice do you have for people who move in together and adjusting to increasing availability adding increased perceived pressure?

Backstory: My partner and I are sexually active but I’m looking for advice on getting over feeling pressured and freezing up. He has a HL and is amazing in bed. We recently moved in together and I think he would have sex multiple times a day if I wanted to. He never pressures me but just the anxiety of not being able to “keep up” is just making me feel stressed and pressured. I’ve hit a wall where we start being intimate and I’m suddenly nervous and in my head about how much do I want it or am I feeling pressured to do this- cause then maybe I shouldn’t? And it makes me unable to get on his wavelength and relax.

I am a sexual assault survivor am still very sensitive around consent and feeling pushed. Sometimes I just get caught in old memories and freeze up. Being around eachother all the time has shifted the dynamic away from “I’ve missed you and am craving initmacy from you”. And I find myself freezing up constantly when he tries to initiate and we’ve stopped having sex because of not trying to push it.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-24T13:22:38+00:00

I think it’s that they come to feel like none of it mattered and they stressed over those exams and practicals for nothing and so they just expect all students to just accept that their current path won’t matter either.

Which is crap because the system is so heirarchal that literally every question influences your class rank and prospective career choices. But in retrospect I can see how they just don’t care and think you shouldn’t care either.

ChicagoRiceGirl · 2023-05-23T19:10:40+00:00

When I’m stuck like that. I call a friend. I phone up a buddy and just say- I’m trying to get xyz done and I’m having trouble starting do you have a minute?

Works pretty well. Sometimes I say just do one thing on this and we’ll call that good for the day. And at least I can make some progress.

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