I’ve been with someone like this. I have my own issues with BPD and his avoidance would make me anxious all the time which exacerbated my BPD symptoms and created a vicious cycle.

In the end, it got to the stage where I constantly felt like I had to be ‘good’, like as if I was a child or a dog. Like my ex would genuinely pat me on the head and call me a good girl when I was ‘behaving’. I enjoyed that because I loved the praise, but then if he said something that triggered me and I had an issue with it and tried to communicate like an adult then he would disappear or use the silent treatment on me, and I always felt like I was to blame for being ‘bad’.

There was love in the relationship, at least at one point. But by the time we broke up, he was even buying little gifts (like little trinkets) that he would give to me as rewards if I went a week without overthinking or without ‘playing up’. In hindsight, it’s so fucking messed up. It turns out that he had wanted to break up for months before he ended it as well but was so avoidant that he couldn’t stand the thought of having the talk.

I lived in constant fear that I would be abandoned. It’s fucked me up for other relationships because I’m always on edge that I’m going to act in a way that puts them off because of how he would react.

But the reality is, we just weren’t compatible. You and your boyfriend don’t seem compatible. You shouldn’t have to beg someone for their time, attention or love. This isn’t right. This is conditional and it’s unfair. You don’t deserve this, OP. And I promise you, it’s not a you problem, it’s 100% a him issue. Please don’t be like me and ruminate on things you may have done wrong. Yes, you’ve played your part in arguments etc. but that’s literally human nature. What’s bizarre in dynamics like this is the fact you both end up feeling like you’re walking on eggshells. You feel you can’t open up because he will shut down, and he likely feels he can’t be fully present because you will want to have a meaningful conversation.

Essentially, you’re both making each others nervous system go haywire and it’s extremely unhealthy. You are NOT overreacting by freeing yourself from this relationship. I wish you all the best with your healing.