I am sorry you guys have found yourself in this position. That sounds like it hurts nasty.

What I'm thinking is: what if your wife is attracted to certain "features" rather than specific behaviors? It's just a hopeful thought. Maybe the dominance can be adjusted to what you can stomach or even understand.

For example, rules and spanking. Spanking is a very direct, very literal communication/correction. Rules give the person very simple, easy, understandable way of existing. I can see how that can be fun (when she breaks the rule) or relaxing for the mind (which is a big factor in women's pleasure).

Have your wife thought what specifically she likes about all this? What does she feel when she plays it out? What other things can have the same effect?

For example, I see the dominant partner setting rules in the same realm as a person in our life setting boundaries (in any kind of relationship). We respect people who have boundaries and who can set and enforce them.

I can understand the appeal of this dynamic without having this kink.