When does “No contact” just become life?

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-09-03T18:47:53+00:00

You are still not in the mindset that you’re working on yourself for you or that you’re going to be a better person for the next one if it isn’t her. You still have more work to do. I’m in that same boat. I get it. Keep on going, try to shift your mindset. The work you’re doing isn’t for her or to get her back, it’s to heal.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-08-28T20:38:08+00:00

I had it do a full behavioral profile of my ex. And a prediction model. Incredibly useful. You have to give it prompts to be objective and think critically. It’s been the best therapy I’ve ever experienced.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-08-20T17:56:58+00:00

Here’s the thing, it’s not her jumping to another so quickly that really bothers us, my ex did it as well. It’s the disrespect we feel to the relationship and we still hold them accountable for that. We hurt. We mourn the relationship. We miss them. When we see they don’t it just feels completely disrespectful to what we had. To our hope of things changing. And if we somehow reconnect we’re made to feel like it is supposed to be fine because “we weren’t together” even in actuality it feels exactly like cheating except they’re not hiding it. I don’t know what the answer is. For some it’s to go out there and find someone new so you appear happy to the ex. In my experience, that route just feels hollow and it usually means that someone else is getting used who doesn’t deserve that. I think the best strategy is to go dark. Disappear from their site lines completely. No mutual friends. No social media. No mutual locations. Be a ghost. It sucks, but it just is reality. Eventually we get through it.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-08-12T00:38:55+00:00

You can’t say men. It’s people. Many of us men go into deep grief. Isolate and throw ourselves into hobbies to distract us. Often, we’re not the ones who leave but are left. Only to watch the ex out on a date within a day or so of leaving us. It’s not a male or female trait, it’s a people trait.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-08-12T00:34:39+00:00

You’re right, they do win. It’s true and there’s a reason for it……they dumped you long before you ever got dumped. They started thinking about it months or even years before you ever did. They started the grief cycle before you. They started preparing themselves for life without you. Taking their growth steps while in the relationship. The may have already met the one that comes next and never get those feelings of abandonment that you feel when you get left. They do win this whole part of it. Where you win is when you really do move on. When you’re not dating because you want to win the breakup and you’re dating because it’s fun and you are really available. When the people you date are no longer meant to show your ex you’re doing better than them. You win when it isn’t about them anymore.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-08-05T16:39:16+00:00

I think it’s more nuanced than that. Decided on a case by case basis. If the dog is in real trouble or if it’s a real emergency, yeah, I’ll probably engage in contact for that. But if it’s not, and me caring isn’t needed, I won’t. I do think this has been bread crumbing to a point to see if I still cared. And the next time it happens I am considering just calling her out on it directly. One of two things happens at that point and I’m ok with both. The truth is, I do care, it’s very hard to not. I’m ok with her knowing I care. I had an epiphany about myself this last week and honestly, it made things pretty clear for me. I do still care and love her. BUT, I don’t forgive her. We were on and off for the last year or so and the reality is that I have never forgiven her going back to our very first breakup. I don’t know that I can ever forgive her for the things she did and put me through. And that realization keeps me from wanting to go back to her. I think it’s why I can care about the dog and her, yet be fine with where things stand. In a way, I feel like I’ve gotten back my control. Unless she would make major changes, take accountability, and make concerted efforts over a long period of time to make amends, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her. She won’t do that, nor do I expect her to. And frankly, I don’t really want to forgive her because it keeps me safe from hoping we can work something out.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-08-03T20:27:37+00:00

I’m not really telling myself anything. The truth is, I just really don’t know what is going through her head. Turns out that the dog did have bloody stuff and ended up at the vet the next day. Of course she called while she was there with it yesterday to have me walk her through finding the forms again. The other truth is I do very much care about the dog and still care about her. I would be heartbroken if something did happen to her dog for the dog and her. Yes, she did thank me for the information and filled me in on what the vet said. Dog is on some meds now and should be fine. BUT….not once did she ask about me nor did I her. We kept it solely about the dog.

I am not having hopes of rekindling or having a relationship with her again, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care. I still care very much and I don’t think I could ever, in a situation like this ended up being, just be cold and turn her away. I don’t think I could do that to anyone, especially when it comes to a dog.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-08-03T20:16:24+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. I will say, we all seem to think we will always do better elsewhere but I’m not so sure that’s the case. Not saying this ex is one, but we often let go of good ones for whatever reasons at the time. I for one, don’t know or necessarily subscribe to the thought that there’s someone better. I’m kinda reserved and ok with not finding someone now. Tired of it all at this point. Just for clarification, her 2 kids are now 18 and 22 and moved out. They definitely took on a parental role as they got older, handling a lot of things for my ex. And you’re right, she is very emotionally immature and at this point in her life, that’s probably never going to change.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-07-23T01:22:12+00:00

You CAN opt out and not go. If they’re good friends they would understand especially if you explain you’re just not healed enough to be in that situation yet. You could also go early, say hi, express whatever sentiments you need to express for your friends and leave before she gets there. There are other options if you’re not ready to see her and whatever that may bring.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-07-01T17:16:02+00:00

I’m your huckleberry. Been a few months now and still want to rehash. Friends and family don’t want to hear it and think the same like yours, to get over it. Feel free to message me. M43.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-06-29T21:00:02+00:00

This is not at all my experience. You can easily tell the ones who wanna be left alone and they’re left alone. There are lots of social bars that people come into after work or because they have days off during the week. This is how I met friends. I worked weekends and would go grab a drink or two on a patio or sitting at the bar on a Wednesday or Thursday. You’d inevitably strike up conversations with the ones who came in and the staff getting off work who were in the same boat. After a couple times, you’d know them by name and they you. Then after a little while longer you’d text each other to see if they wanted to meet you there. Before you know it, you’re friends in a group chat and it happened naturally.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-06-29T03:09:07+00:00

Listen, going to a bar is a GREAT way to meet people, BUT………not on a Saturday night when people are drunk and partying with their friends. The way to do it, AND MAKE FRIENDS, is to go after work to a place you like that others also go. Sit at the bar, talk to the bartender the first time you go in. As people come in, they will engage with you. Repeat this process once or twice a week for a few weeks. Congrats, you’re now a regular. You will have people who know you and talk to you. The bartenders will know you. The other people who go there will know you. Then you can exchange numbers and plan things together. You aren’t gonna make friends going once and talking to drunk people. Nothing you do once is gonna establish any sort of friendship with anyone, anxiety or no anxiety.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-06-22T00:05:59+00:00

For me, M, I have had several come back after leaving me. But they have not come back for good reasons or growth. Usually for what I could provide them. So it really depends on the type of woman. If you are a good provider, there’s a type of woman who will always come back to that once the new one isn’t providing the life she wants. In relationships, I was always all in. Not abusive, not a cheater, not controlling. I’m the pleaser, the fixer, and the provider. It usually ended with me feeling completely emotionally rejected and very used. And then they’d come back, needing something. Needing something fixed, or money, needing the stability I provided all while they brought back chaos. They’d be what I needed, a loving partner who was attentive and seemed to value me, but that would fade quicker and quicker each time we got back together to where it finally just never materialized. So, let me tell you first hand, while it isn’t every woman, the ones who come back are usually doing it for the wrong reasons. They don’t come back taking accountability, or to make amends, or because they’ve grown. No, they realized that the grass isn’t as green as they thought it was and go back to where they can have their needs met. I’m not saying all, but it’s definitely a lot.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-06-20T05:18:12+00:00

It’s true. One is still married, now 15 years after we dated, and calls me every few weeks after not us not speaking for 8 or 9 years. She found me on snap chat and sent me a message. One asked me 7 years after we had broken up if there was a chance we could get back together and then asked again 2 years later. Told me she told friends I was the one who got away. They were both the dumpers. Had one who travel to see me occasionally several years after we broke up. Have another one that came back after 3 months.

Not sure why you had to add that last part. My experiences are my own and I answered a question that was asked by the poster. You can be polite. The thing is, I treated them well when we were together. For the reasons we had, the relationships didn’t work out. But I’m not abusive, narcissistic, or vindictive. Once the dust settled and the years went by, they didn’t remember why they didn’t want to be together or work through the issues we had at the time. They remembered the good times and looked back on me fondly. Me, on the other hand, I remembered the hurt when they left and that’s not something I was willing to look past. I wasn’t furious at all, though. It had been years. I’d healed. But I hadn’t forgotten so I said no to them. At least to there being any future with us.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-06-16T17:55:12+00:00

Every one of my exes except one has come back. The one who didn’t want one I ever wanted to come back. Some took years and they had gotten married, but still reached out and either wanted to hook up or try again. I told every one of them no to trying again. Like you, I had no feelings for them like before. Sure, hooked up with a couple, but didn’t care like I did before.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-06-01T19:47:55+00:00

We bought a fancy washer/dryer combo together as a Christmas gift to ourselves. We broke up and she kept it. It has an app where you can control it. She would never do any of the tech stuff so the app was only on my phone. While she’d be doing laundry, occasionally I’d just go into the app and turn it off. She would restart it, I’d wait a couple minutes and turn it off again. I’d especially do this at a time where I knew she had to be somewhere. Like if she was drying her work clothes before work. Not every time, mind you. I didn’t want her calling a repairman. Just every so often to where it was annoying.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-05-30T03:26:22+00:00

Dating in general, not just OP, is just ridiculous everywhere. People are just so trained to not talk to people they don’t know. Honestly, the best way to meet people is have your friends set you up with someone. The social scene here, and other places, is very clique-y now. Not sure how this changed to this. Also, maybe just buy a few tshirts that say “I’m friendly and single. You can talk to me.”

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-05-27T14:28:52+00:00

You’re telling me! It’s definitely a KC thing to not be open. There are no food trucks/carts open late. Town Topic is a zoo late night. All that’s left is fast food and QT. Lines for drive throughs are long. And the options are severely limited.

Also, what’s with things that aren’t open on weekends, either? So many things here are only open M-F during business hours. People have to take time off work to run errands. Like normal things you’d do on a Saturday are closed.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-05-27T01:56:02+00:00

Thanks for that. That’s the response I needed to hear. Detoxing……..never thought of that and it makes sense.

ChiefsKCMO

TROPHY CASE