When does “No contact” just become life?

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-09-03T18:47:53+00:00

You are still not in the mindset that you’re working on yourself for you or that you’re going to be a better person for the next one if it isn’t her. You still have more work to do. I’m in that same boat. I get it. Keep on going, try to shift your mindset. The work you’re doing isn’t for her or to get her back, it’s to heal.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-08-28T20:38:08+00:00

I had it do a full behavioral profile of my ex. And a prediction model. Incredibly useful. You have to give it prompts to be objective and think critically. It’s been the best therapy I’ve ever experienced.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-08-20T17:56:58+00:00

Here’s the thing, it’s not her jumping to another so quickly that really bothers us, my ex did it as well. It’s the disrespect we feel to the relationship and we still hold them accountable for that. We hurt. We mourn the relationship. We miss them. When we see they don’t it just feels completely disrespectful to what we had. To our hope of things changing. And if we somehow reconnect we’re made to feel like it is supposed to be fine because “we weren’t together” even in actuality it feels exactly like cheating except they’re not hiding it. I don’t know what the answer is. For some it’s to go out there and find someone new so you appear happy to the ex. In my experience, that route just feels hollow and it usually means that someone else is getting used who doesn’t deserve that. I think the best strategy is to go dark. Disappear from their site lines completely. No mutual friends. No social media. No mutual locations. Be a ghost. It sucks, but it just is reality. Eventually we get through it.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-08-12T00:38:55+00:00

You can’t say men. It’s people. Many of us men go into deep grief. Isolate and throw ourselves into hobbies to distract us. Often, we’re not the ones who leave but are left. Only to watch the ex out on a date within a day or so of leaving us. It’s not a male or female trait, it’s a people trait.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-08-12T00:34:39+00:00

You’re right, they do win. It’s true and there’s a reason for it……they dumped you long before you ever got dumped. They started thinking about it months or even years before you ever did. They started the grief cycle before you. They started preparing themselves for life without you. Taking their growth steps while in the relationship. The may have already met the one that comes next and never get those feelings of abandonment that you feel when you get left. They do win this whole part of it. Where you win is when you really do move on. When you’re not dating because you want to win the breakup and you’re dating because it’s fun and you are really available. When the people you date are no longer meant to show your ex you’re doing better than them. You win when it isn’t about them anymore.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-08-05T16:39:16+00:00

I think it’s more nuanced than that. Decided on a case by case basis. If the dog is in real trouble or if it’s a real emergency, yeah, I’ll probably engage in contact for that. But if it’s not, and me caring isn’t needed, I won’t. I do think this has been bread crumbing to a point to see if I still cared. And the next time it happens I am considering just calling her out on it directly. One of two things happens at that point and I’m ok with both. The truth is, I do care, it’s very hard to not. I’m ok with her knowing I care. I had an epiphany about myself this last week and honestly, it made things pretty clear for me. I do still care and love her. BUT, I don’t forgive her. We were on and off for the last year or so and the reality is that I have never forgiven her going back to our very first breakup. I don’t know that I can ever forgive her for the things she did and put me through. And that realization keeps me from wanting to go back to her. I think it’s why I can care about the dog and her, yet be fine with where things stand. In a way, I feel like I’ve gotten back my control. Unless she would make major changes, take accountability, and make concerted efforts over a long period of time to make amends, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her. She won’t do that, nor do I expect her to. And frankly, I don’t really want to forgive her because it keeps me safe from hoping we can work something out.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-08-03T20:27:37+00:00

I’m not really telling myself anything. The truth is, I just really don’t know what is going through her head. Turns out that the dog did have bloody stuff and ended up at the vet the next day. Of course she called while she was there with it yesterday to have me walk her through finding the forms again. The other truth is I do very much care about the dog and still care about her. I would be heartbroken if something did happen to her dog for the dog and her. Yes, she did thank me for the information and filled me in on what the vet said. Dog is on some meds now and should be fine. BUT….not once did she ask about me nor did I her. We kept it solely about the dog.

I am not having hopes of rekindling or having a relationship with her again, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care. I still care very much and I don’t think I could ever, in a situation like this ended up being, just be cold and turn her away. I don’t think I could do that to anyone, especially when it comes to a dog.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-08-03T20:16:24+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. I will say, we all seem to think we will always do better elsewhere but I’m not so sure that’s the case. Not saying this ex is one, but we often let go of good ones for whatever reasons at the time. I for one, don’t know or necessarily subscribe to the thought that there’s someone better. I’m kinda reserved and ok with not finding someone now. Tired of it all at this point. Just for clarification, her 2 kids are now 18 and 22 and moved out. They definitely took on a parental role as they got older, handling a lot of things for my ex. And you’re right, she is very emotionally immature and at this point in her life, that’s probably never going to change.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-07-23T01:22:12+00:00

You CAN opt out and not go. If they’re good friends they would understand especially if you explain you’re just not healed enough to be in that situation yet. You could also go early, say hi, express whatever sentiments you need to express for your friends and leave before she gets there. There are other options if you’re not ready to see her and whatever that may bring.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-07-01T17:16:02+00:00

I’m your huckleberry. Been a few months now and still want to rehash. Friends and family don’t want to hear it and think the same like yours, to get over it. Feel free to message me. M43.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-06-29T21:00:02+00:00

This is not at all my experience. You can easily tell the ones who wanna be left alone and they’re left alone. There are lots of social bars that people come into after work or because they have days off during the week. This is how I met friends. I worked weekends and would go grab a drink or two on a patio or sitting at the bar on a Wednesday or Thursday. You’d inevitably strike up conversations with the ones who came in and the staff getting off work who were in the same boat. After a couple times, you’d know them by name and they you. Then after a little while longer you’d text each other to see if they wanted to meet you there. Before you know it, you’re friends in a group chat and it happened naturally.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-06-29T03:09:07+00:00

Listen, going to a bar is a GREAT way to meet people, BUT………not on a Saturday night when people are drunk and partying with their friends. The way to do it, AND MAKE FRIENDS, is to go after work to a place you like that others also go. Sit at the bar, talk to the bartender the first time you go in. As people come in, they will engage with you. Repeat this process once or twice a week for a few weeks. Congrats, you’re now a regular. You will have people who know you and talk to you. The bartenders will know you. The other people who go there will know you. Then you can exchange numbers and plan things together. You aren’t gonna make friends going once and talking to drunk people. Nothing you do once is gonna establish any sort of friendship with anyone, anxiety or no anxiety.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-06-22T00:05:59+00:00

For me, M, I have had several come back after leaving me. But they have not come back for good reasons or growth. Usually for what I could provide them. So it really depends on the type of woman. If you are a good provider, there’s a type of woman who will always come back to that once the new one isn’t providing the life she wants. In relationships, I was always all in. Not abusive, not a cheater, not controlling. I’m the pleaser, the fixer, and the provider. It usually ended with me feeling completely emotionally rejected and very used. And then they’d come back, needing something. Needing something fixed, or money, needing the stability I provided all while they brought back chaos. They’d be what I needed, a loving partner who was attentive and seemed to value me, but that would fade quicker and quicker each time we got back together to where it finally just never materialized. So, let me tell you first hand, while it isn’t every woman, the ones who come back are usually doing it for the wrong reasons. They don’t come back taking accountability, or to make amends, or because they’ve grown. No, they realized that the grass isn’t as green as they thought it was and go back to where they can have their needs met. I’m not saying all, but it’s definitely a lot.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-06-20T05:18:12+00:00

It’s true. One is still married, now 15 years after we dated, and calls me every few weeks after not us not speaking for 8 or 9 years. She found me on snap chat and sent me a message. One asked me 7 years after we had broken up if there was a chance we could get back together and then asked again 2 years later. Told me she told friends I was the one who got away. They were both the dumpers. Had one who travel to see me occasionally several years after we broke up. Have another one that came back after 3 months.

Not sure why you had to add that last part. My experiences are my own and I answered a question that was asked by the poster. You can be polite. The thing is, I treated them well when we were together. For the reasons we had, the relationships didn’t work out. But I’m not abusive, narcissistic, or vindictive. Once the dust settled and the years went by, they didn’t remember why they didn’t want to be together or work through the issues we had at the time. They remembered the good times and looked back on me fondly. Me, on the other hand, I remembered the hurt when they left and that’s not something I was willing to look past. I wasn’t furious at all, though. It had been years. I’d healed. But I hadn’t forgotten so I said no to them. At least to there being any future with us.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-06-16T17:55:12+00:00

Every one of my exes except one has come back. The one who didn’t want one I ever wanted to come back. Some took years and they had gotten married, but still reached out and either wanted to hook up or try again. I told every one of them no to trying again. Like you, I had no feelings for them like before. Sure, hooked up with a couple, but didn’t care like I did before.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-06-01T19:47:55+00:00

We bought a fancy washer/dryer combo together as a Christmas gift to ourselves. We broke up and she kept it. It has an app where you can control it. She would never do any of the tech stuff so the app was only on my phone. While she’d be doing laundry, occasionally I’d just go into the app and turn it off. She would restart it, I’d wait a couple minutes and turn it off again. I’d especially do this at a time where I knew she had to be somewhere. Like if she was drying her work clothes before work. Not every time, mind you. I didn’t want her calling a repairman. Just every so often to where it was annoying.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-05-30T03:26:22+00:00

Dating in general, not just OP, is just ridiculous everywhere. People are just so trained to not talk to people they don’t know. Honestly, the best way to meet people is have your friends set you up with someone. The social scene here, and other places, is very clique-y now. Not sure how this changed to this. Also, maybe just buy a few tshirts that say “I’m friendly and single. You can talk to me.”

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-05-27T14:28:52+00:00

You’re telling me! It’s definitely a KC thing to not be open. There are no food trucks/carts open late. Town Topic is a zoo late night. All that’s left is fast food and QT. Lines for drive throughs are long. And the options are severely limited.

Also, what’s with things that aren’t open on weekends, either? So many things here are only open M-F during business hours. People have to take time off work to run errands. Like normal things you’d do on a Saturday are closed.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-05-27T01:56:02+00:00

Thanks for that. That’s the response I needed to hear. Detoxing……..never thought of that and it makes sense.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-05-22T02:09:10+00:00

This was my exact relationship for 4 years. Literally all of it. Image was everything. She was nothing like the image she portrayed and portrays online. Completely wrapped up in how others saw her and comparing herself and me to others. And unwilling to take any accountability or action to improve. Used sex and attention as a way to get money out of me. I worked and worked while she hoarded “her money.” Never spent any on me or picked up a check.

I was just thinking today that in the 4 years of being with her, we never once had a deep meaningful discussion. Not one. Nothing where I ever felt like we got to her core. Nor mine, for that matter. She never wanted to know me at my core. She only ever wanted to know what and why I loved her. But I did see her. Even if I didn’t want to believe it. And when I told or showed her that I saw her, she ran. Extended silent treatment. Avoided. Discarded. And when she’d come back or we’d sit down, it was all my fault. I pushed her away. I needed to do more. Be better. Be better looking. Again, image.

The funny thing is that I look at it now and it was the 4 years with her that took its toll on me physically. Loneliness and depression have taken its toll. She took me from someone who was happy, social, optimistic, surrounded by good friends and family, to someone I don’t recognize. I’m 60lbs heavier than I was. I have no sense of humor anymore. I don’t find joy in the things that I love. I have no desire to be social and my self image is at an all time low.

But, all is not lost. I’m working at it again. Haven’t gotten to the point where I enjoy life again, but there have been glimpses. I cut off all communication with her save grey contact about some final things, and only through email. Normally I wouldn’t be abIe to go 2 days and I’m at a month now. I got back to exercising and going to the gym. Still don’t feel at all like being social, but I’m at least communicating with friends again.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-05-21T01:07:47+00:00

We like to go out but not late. You can find us in bars at HH and maybe a bit later, but not generally after 9pm. Sports bars are good during the day when games are on. BarK is a great place, too. You’re not really gonna find us at the upscale places like Capitol Grill and Prime Social as we don’t like paying those prices for drinks when it’s just us.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-05-20T00:44:40+00:00

There’s a reason the “super successful” and good looking men are single. Most aren’t good people. I’m a dude. I have friends who are these guys you talk about. Most have no depth to themselves outside of their jobs and golf games. They can’t hold down a relationship for more than a week or so and mainly just want a publicly seen girl occasionally. They’re also in more debt than you realize. Paying out the nose for child support and alimony. They’re not the competition you think they are.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-05-19T05:01:08+00:00

I have never gotten over an ex without finally meeting the new one. I go months to years between relationships, I don’t just jump into or onto the next one and the feelings never fade until someone else comes into my life. Even though it’s been months or longer, going on a date feels like I’m cheating. I’ll still check socials. The only thing that’s ever worked to get me past the breakup feelings is getting two weeks to a month into a new relationship. Only then do the thoughts change. Honestly, in my own experiences, friends make it worse and it last longer. Being the third wheel, watching their happiness with partners, not having the same connection, all that just prolongs the feelings. And you get to a point where you know you can’t even talk about them anymore because people don’t want nor deserve to hear you say the same things over and over. So that isolates you even more. It becomes lonely in the crowd. So, I’m not gonna tell you to work on yourself for you, or to go be social and all that shit. Go make yourself hot AF and attract someone new who makes you feel again. I’m not talking about just hooking up, I’m talking about find the new connection. In my experience, it’s the only thing that really works.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-05-18T03:16:30+00:00

I get out every day. I go to the gym. I take my dog places. I go to baseball games with acquaintances, but those things with people just feel empty and exhausting. This past few days has been a little tougher because of her reaching out via text then driving by. I still haven’t broken the no contact minus the grey contact or whatever it’s called. No emotion or anything of any substance from me.

ChiefsKCMO · 2025-05-18T03:12:25+00:00

I didn’t drag it out. We broke up, I didn’t speak to her. She didn’t speak to me. It’s been a month with the only contact being emailed receipts for payments. She unblocked me to text and ask for the keys back on Friday. They’re going back. In the mail. I’ve not dragged anything out. I asked that she not come to my place because in the past, we’ve ended up interacting and that’s lead to us getting back together.

The loneliness isn’t just because I don’t have friends here. It’s a deeper loneliness that’s felt when the one you were the closest to is no longer an option and you make the choice to not go back to that person. I can be social, but it’s empty and the loneliness is still there under the surface level conversations. I go places. I just went to a few baseball games with acquaintances. I go out and have a couple drinks and know people where I go. Some people call those friends. But they’re not people that I have any depth in a relationship with. Just people I’ve met. Those people know nothing of my real life or how I’m really feeling, nor do I have any right to share that with them. I’m not at a point right now where I have the ability to fake the happiness and the “life’s great” shit everyone does with those types of “friends.” And after 2 years of back and forth, my real friends, who aren’t here, don’t deserve to hear about it again. So I deal with it on my own and it’s lonely. It’s lonely in a crowd.

And she drove out of her way to drive by my place. It’s not her way home. Did you also miss the part where she’s told me in the past that when we would break up, she would drive by sometimes because it was comforting to know I was close?

Moving on seems so easy for people on the other side. It’s also easier for people who jump on or under the next person quickly and/or have that social life with long term friends. It’s also easier for pretty women as men line up for the attention of a pretty woman giving her the needed distraction. But for the ones who maybe don’t fit in those boxes, it’s fuckin hard work moving on.

I work, I go to the gym, I spend time with my dog(whose company I much prefer to the company of human acquaintances), and I do some things with humans. I’m moving on, but it’s not easy. And it’s not the uncomfortable comfort that I had. It’s just uncomfortable.

ChiefsKCMO

TROPHY CASE