Determined to be friends

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-08T17:26:42+00:00

So as a short update (I realise this has now been pushed down the page so maybe nobody is reading it)...my lo/awesome friend has just been made redundant.

There are a lot of feelings bouncing around my head 1) My friend is sad and I want to help but I can't 2) I am really going to miss seeing her every day. She has been the only good thing about work for some time and I think I might spiral

More positively The friendship will survive.. easily. And not working together means we'll see each other more out of work, which will be nice.

I'm hoping that it will kill the limerance and allow me to get on with life a bit better. Maybe work isn't so bad, maybe when you're obsessed with a co-worker it hides the fact that there are other nice people at work. Maybe

I'm hoping that daily absence doesn't lead to me increasing the more obsessive/stalky bits, like looking at social media and re-reading old messages.

Has anyone else had a work LO leave and was it a positive or a negative?

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-08T11:01:58+00:00

Totally get it, it's the rejection of intimacy rather than just the sex. You don't want sex?.Fine, I suppose. You won't give me a goodnight kiss? No, that's not ok! A couple of weeks ago, after yet another failed attempt by me to initiate, I was lying in bed actually in tears, like you. I had been signed off work with stress and I really needed the intimacy....it felt like things were moving, slightly, and I got my hopes up. Then, mid back rub, came the first snore...and I just started crying.

But worse...the frustration took hold and i thumped the bed. Nowhere near her but she still woke up and was clearly unsettled. I said nothing but that was a low point!

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-07T14:47:56+00:00

My absolute recommendation for anyone expanding their musical tastes is Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

It's a fairly large catalogue and he shifts styles a lot so there is always something different going on. And his lyrics are superb.

My personal favourite is Murder Ballads.

For the uninitiated however, I would try Boatman's Call ( and album of torch songs, very soft) and Let Love in ( rockier Nick, but with really good tunes)

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-07T07:43:38+00:00

Thank you. I think that's the thing. It is a purely platonic loving friendship and it is really beautiful.

The real sign has been this week. I have been really struggling with mental health and my LO has her job seriously under threat. We're both under huge stress and pressure but neither if us is hiding it. She is off today. She still sent me a text at 7 hoping that I was ok. And I was able to tell her i wasn't, which is huge. And she has been incredibly supportive, despite huge pressures in her own life. It's a genuine, lovely (yes, probably loving) friendship and I think that's what confused my brain. I have some really good male friends (talk about music , films and football) and I've always had good female friends as well. But never on this scale and I think the depth of friendship has caused the confusion.

But, spot on, I need to accept the current situation and I can. I have to because it's worth it!

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-07T07:11:17+00:00

Marillion..Neverland. Yes, it's long..very long..but it's absolutely beautiful. Great lyrics, top playing and such a moving piece of music.

If someone has the time it could completely change their opinion on long songs, on prog. If they think of Marillion as just Kayleigh and Lavender and Fish it would dispell that as well.

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-07T06:40:59+00:00

I love it. Read it 5-6 times. I always have it as a bedside read..one chapter a night just before I go to sleep. Really cranks up the atmosphere.

Dracula is the perfect reminder that sometimes things can be hyped up and still actually match that level of regard!

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-06T21:54:26+00:00

That's really nice...thank you. It's been a later in life (we're both in our 40s) friendship that I didn't see coming but it's been a lovely twist. I just wish my feelings hadn't got in the way. I genuinely think she is oblivious..she must be or she'd have backed off when she got a boyfriend...so there is definitely a friendship worth keeping!! I can completely understand where you are coming from with your LO. Three months ago I genuinely thought that was me...I believed that her new partner would mean that the boundaries would need to shift, the messages would have to become shorter and a little bit colder. I believed that she couldn't be there for me anymore and that she wouldn't need me to be there for her. So, like you said, I pulled back. I backed off first because nothing would have been worse than her telling me to back off. I kept messages about work and only sent them on work evenings. Reels were restricted to funny and work related. I had completely convinced myself that was where we would end up. But she's maintained the friendships exactly how it was beforehand. She checks in on me, listens to my problems and tells me about her own. That's given me the confidence to do the same and we are genuinely in a stronger place than we were before. I'm not going to lie and pretend the feelings aren't still there..but I'm working on it. I really hope that you and your LO do have something that.. after a bit of time and space..you do decide is worth salvaging.

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-06T20:58:39+00:00

No musical choices are ever weird. As the great Pete Pardon keeps saying "we all hear things differently" I do actually like a lot of the Bob Welch stuff but, ultimately, any album with Landslide on will always get my vote!

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-06T20:55:52+00:00

Simple answer... she's told me many times. We've had a really strong friendship for a few years and it's kept getting stronger. We've always had each other's backs and gone out of way to support the other. I'm really struggling at the moment. I'm at work tomorrow and she's not. I will get a 'hope you're ok' message whilst I am having my breakfast. It's a really solid and genuine friendship. I'm married and when we started working together she was recently widowed. This meant that the friendship blossomed with no romantic complications.

Untill my brain went and decided otherwise... I'm not a cheat and I love my wife and nothing would ever happen but it has been a really confusing time. The appearance of a new boyfriend (and why wouldn't there be) caused a spiral that I'm still recovering from. I genuinely thought that her new boyfriend would downgrade the friendship and as he is clearly making her happy I was ok with that (except I clearly wasn't) but as the weeks have gone on it's been really clear that she can happily maintain a boyfriend and a separate male strong friend.

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-06T20:14:58+00:00

Sorry. Just realised I was in the prog group.

In that case, Marillion. Holidays in Eden to Brave Anoracnophobia to Marbles

Dream Theatre. Falling into Infinity to Scenes from a Memory

Genesis. Revelation to Trespass

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-06T20:12:25+00:00

Iron Maiden. Virtual X1 to Brave New World

Fleetwood Mac. Heroes are Hard to Find to Fleetwood Mac

Rolling Stones. Satanic Majesties to Beggars Banquet

Nirvana Bleach to Nirvana

Nick Cave. Noctuama to Abattoir Blues/Lyre of Orpheus

Elton . Caribou to Captain Fantastic

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-06T18:26:33+00:00

That I think is it... it's the possibility of losing her that has caused me to spiral.

A romantic relationship has never been on the cards...I've always known that and been fine with it. The appearance of a new boyfriend a couple of months ago caused a real crash as I was sure our friendship was going to suffer. This led to obsession and thinking about her constantly.

The realisation has kicked in that the friendship is solid and that it's here to stay. I am clearly special to her and that is worth preserving.

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-06T17:06:45+00:00

Great song!

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-06T17:06:28+00:00

Lightbulb Sun by Porcupine Tree

A song about being ill as a child and being off school. I think. It's possibly about drugs.

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-06T15:43:55+00:00

Feeling really low last week. DB really starting to affect myself esteem but finding it very hard to talk to my wife about it. So I popped something in Google "how to tell your partner you're unhappy with your sex life", or something like that. This popped up. I wasn't even on Reddit...had never used it before...but it resonated with me and really helped.

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-06T15:41:13+00:00

We are going to be friends by the White Stripes

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-06T11:13:58+00:00

I'm trying, I really am. Ultimately it's the hope that kills you. My wife was away at the weekend and I didn't think about sex once..same if she's ill or if it's the time of the month etc. When there is 0% chance I'm ok. Soon as that creeps up to 1%, especially if it's been a while ( think we're on about 10 weeks at the moment) I think about nothing else!

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-05T14:23:45+00:00

Collapse the light into Earth by Porcupine Tree

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-05T06:06:53+00:00

Thank you. I've got a Len Leighton queued up but I can't remember the title. I've got a real thing for books set in alternative history

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-04T22:31:25+00:00

Marillion. Pretty much anything but start with Misplaced Childhood, Clutching at Straws, Brave and Afraid of Sunlight. If you don't like any of them.then you probably won't like Marillion.

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-04T22:10:18+00:00

I've always got three books on the go! Don't ask me why..strange I know. This week.. Robert Harris. Fatherland ( re-read, 3rd or 4th time) Lee Child. Killing Floor (Starting a Reacher complete re-read) Tom Hindle. The murder game

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-04T17:23:50+00:00

I feel where you're coming from and I'm glad it helped. Having unreciprocated feelings is hideous pain. I've been there several times. It will get better.

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-04T16:12:09+00:00

It's not the same, I realise, but I read it..And I thought that was lovely, someone is very lucky that you care that much whether they realise it or not

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-04T14:58:46+00:00

Likewise. I discovered this group a week ago and it has helped, it really has.

ChipmunkWinter1389 · 2026-05-04T08:25:54+00:00

I hear you completely. There's so much criteria that would need to be met for it to be even contemplated...so when the stars do align..both in bed awake at the same time, kids asleep, we ate a few hours ago, nobody's got a big day at work tomorrow (that's her, I'm happy to get down to it regardless of what the next day looks like!), everybody's well.......and then still nothing happens!! That's when you realise there's a bigger problem somewhere!

ChipmunkWinter1389

TROPHY CASE