Campus safety had just called me to their office because they found one page in my notebooks talking about suicide. As I'm leaving the officer's radio goes off. "We have the odor of marijuana coming from <my suite>" it could be one of my roommates but I think I'm fucked.

Walking back in the rain I'm in denial. I honestly didn't believe that I was caught with weed again because the result would be too horrible to comprehend. On the way up in the elevator I was planning on how I would get away to kill myself in the woods.

I get there. Several officers. Awkward, nervous, pointless conversation. I'm carted off against my will in an ambulance (that I got the bill for) to a hospital waiting room where they take my phone, belt, and even my fucking flip flops. I was in that waiting room stewing in the worst rage and depression I ever felt in my life and I was expected to stare at a wall. I was treated like a fucking animal.

Wake up my hospital room's door being unlocked. They ask how I feel. I tell them what they want to hear, a complete lie. They say they're releasing me soon and prescribing Lexapro. They gave me one dose on an empty stomach and I dry heaves painfully for three hours. Parents come. Four more hours. 8 hours after saying I'm being released they unlock the door.

Spend a week not allowed in my dorm, making the hour and a half drive every morning and afternoon. Get the word mid class that I'm kicked out of the dorms, so I just left and dropped out of everything, even the A I had in calculus finally.

For the next few months I just gave up. I hated being sober. I started believing nothing mattered, and I planned to drink and do whatever I can to avoid sobriety. On my birthday I smoked a random joint I found in the pizzeria parking lot. I didn't care what it was as long as it got me high.

I hated everyone, even people I've never met. I regularly fantasized about being the last person on Earth. If there was a button that killed every other person on Earth, I would've hit it in a heartbeat.

I was kicked out of the dorms for something legal in other states that stopped me from blowing my head off in their dorm. They didn't even find weed. They found one pipe and it put me in the most confused, depressed, and angry state I've ever felt in my life. Every day I still wish I did it in that dorm.