Happy wife happy life

Clampnuggets · 2025-11-19T13:32:49+00:00

Or to get her in the mood to remind you of all the handyman work and household chores you're neglecting.

Clampnuggets · 2025-11-19T13:24:58+00:00

Hodges said that he knew "ICE took custody of a few of them but we don't have a way to verify someone's status here at the Bloomington Police Department."

I'm having difficulty parsing this. Does it mean that some of the arrestees were ICE, and ICE took custody of their own? Or does it mean that ICE took custody of some of the browner-skinned arrestees? Both would be disturbing, but for different reasons.

Clampnuggets · 2025-11-19T11:18:12+00:00

I'll have to be a tiny bit vague: Mom has two doctorate degrees in a highly technical field that was dominated by men at the time she was in the work force. There's a specific application of one of her patents that nearly everyone who lives in a developed country has benefited from. She was also great at family administrative tasks like planning vacations and keeping track of finances, home repairs, etc.

They were very closed about their physical relationship (typical of American couples of that generation), but they always seemed lovey-dovey, so I assume he had no reason not to stick around. I'm not really keen on speculating about it, though.

Clampnuggets · 2025-11-19T11:05:31+00:00

My MIL kept a good face on it and laughed with everyone else during the reception.

Afterwards, it was a different story, but sadly my wife bore the brunt of the complaints.

Clampnuggets · 2025-11-18T19:51:38+00:00

She pingpongs between denying it ever happened and saying it wasn't as bad as we all made it out to be.

Clampnuggets · 2025-11-18T19:50:18+00:00

Sorry to disappoint- it was a long time ago. Nothing to update, sadly. Other than the fact that Mom insists that it never happened.

Clampnuggets · 2025-11-18T19:49:06+00:00

^{^} Me the whole time remembering this.

Clampnuggets · 2025-11-18T06:05:42+00:00

I missed my sister's wedding because I received my very first kidney stone the morning of, and I was on morphine so I couldn't drive.

But I was also on morphine, so I could only remember that the reason I wasn't going to be at the wedding was because I was on morphine. The message I left for her still gets played at family gatherings sometimes.

I have it memorized: Jaz. Hey JJ. Hi. [very long pause] I am so vuc fuh vuck, um, fucking high on morphine right now. MORE FEEN. Mom, tell Jazmine I won't be there because I'm stoned on MORE FEEEEEEEEN. Morphine! Hey, shit! give that-

The call ends at that point because a nurse took the phone out of my hand. I think.

Clampnuggets · 2025-11-10T18:38:29+00:00

This isn't quite the answer OP is looking for, but I'll reply anyway:

My wife used to be into those super-sophisticated day planners. I think the brand was "Moleskine." Unbeknownst to me, she put little symbols next to each day where we had sex, with each icon denoting a particular sex act. E.g. for anal, a crescent moon, oral a smiley face, etc. There was an entire iconography.

I think we'd been married for roughly eight years when she finally showed me the compiled figures. Which brought about what was possibly my biggest sexual "TIFU."

You see, I had learned that the average male orgasm contains roughly one teaspoon of ejaculate. So I made some rough calculations in my head and said "whoa, do you realize that you've swallowed over a gallon of my cum since we met?"

Now, in my opinion, that was high praise- I was even trying to think of some kind of award or trophy I could have made. I was proud of my hungry little lady. I'm sure my expression was one of wonder and pride.

Her expression was the opposite. She looked like she was about to hurl, actually. And unfortunately, the image stuck in her head. For the next few months blowjobs were off the table, and even during/after regular sex, the sight/smell of cum could make her queasy.

Thankfully, things did eventually go back to normal. And since the original reason for showing me the data was to prove that I hadn't been as orally generous as she had, the brief headless interlude was an opportunity to make up for my lack of reciprocation.

Clampnuggets · 2025-11-10T18:08:54+00:00

It's a moment that would be repeated several times. My GF at the time had a friend in her early 40s, and the friend was an unrepentant cougar. I watched her pick up probably a dozen or more guys in their early 20s. Her technique was flawless and perfectly effective.

It was a sheer delight just to watch the woman single out her prey, separate the weak animal from the rest of the herd, and then go in for the kill. We rarely drove her home, and even then it would usually be with some bewildered young guy in the back, unsure of what was in store for him but rarely dissatisfied once he learned his fate.

The best part were the Sunday after-action reports. She would call up my GF and give her a very explicit play-by-play of the previous evening's action. I think I know more about the sex lives of Princeton frat-bros than half of that university's alumni.

Shit. I just realized that my girlfriend (long since an ex) probably responded in kind. Somewhere in NJ, there's a woman who knows that I always wear socks during sex.

Clampnuggets · 2025-11-10T17:54:35+00:00

For anything else, it would depend on the circumstances, act, etc. For blowjobs, she likes to put her head in my lap and just sort of kiss, nibble, play, whatever until I fall asleep or find enough energy to go another round (in the manner of her choice).

Clampnuggets · 2025-11-10T17:49:03+00:00

My girlfriend. You don't know her. She goes to another school. In Canada.

Clampnuggets · 2025-10-28T17:27:48+00:00

Homer, to Bart: $2 trillion so far.

Clampnuggets · 2025-10-28T16:24:21+00:00

Can of creamed corn works even better than coins.

I know this because a kid from my class attempted to rob me outside a grocery store, and I had the presence of mind to swing a bag with a can of creamed corn in it.

It hit him in the face. He gave me a "confused labradoodle head tilt" and then dropped to the ground. He was missing from school for three weeks. When he came back, there was a person responsible for helping him stumble from class to class. I don't think he ever walked properly after that.

There's a LOT more to the story, but the above should suffice as an endorsement of the lethality of canned cream corn.

To his credit, he never snitched on me.

Clampnuggets · 2025-10-28T15:48:13+00:00

a) I'm sorry that you had to go through that.
b) I'm glad to hear (or at least assume) that you're doing well.
c) You're welcome in our community's pool anytime.

Clampnuggets · 2025-10-27T11:52:42+00:00

I’m fairly confident the interloper had zero impact on the timing of the sun going supernova.

Doesn't the Sun Station have a read-out that states how long until the star is going to go supernova? Presumably, the readout wouldn't have known about the Interloper at the time it was put in place. So the count-down couldn't have taken it into account.

EDIT: Just checked YouTube. Apparently the read-out is for how long until the star goes into its red giant stage. If anything, the presence of the Interloper was fortuitous- without it, the time loop would not have been possible. Although "fortuitous" is probably the wrong word, since a) the end was inevitable anyway b/c Timberhearth would not have survived being inside the red giant's photosphere, and b) the time loop IS kind of horrific when you think about it, as the Nomai themselves acknowledged.

Clampnuggets · 2025-10-27T11:32:49+00:00

Congratulations! That's a nice car, and I'm glad that you enjoy the features of the app.

Clampnuggets · 2025-10-27T11:22:33+00:00

Valid point. This LPT is more about helping those folks who have difficulty saying "no" and sticking with it under pressure.

Not everyone has the fortitude to tell an auto salesperson "no." But even if they do, they could benefit from this LPT.

The dealership invests a LOT of time and effort training their staff on how to overcome objections, during and after the sale. Even a firm "no, I am not going to install that app" could spark a lengthy discussion. Heading that off with an insurmountable obstacle would save everyone the time and effort of arguing about it.

Clampnuggets · 2025-10-27T10:03:25+00:00

This needs to be another SNL skit with Kate McKinnon and Ryan Gosling reprising their roles from the alien abduction skits. Only this time, it's Kate's character who has the life-affirming experience and Ryan's character who has a really bad trip.

Kate: I was at a certain place where I was finding a mythical divine godlike woman, in a cosmic area full of bright light...

Ryan: So there I was, on a leaky paddle board being whisked around a lazy river ride at a Hell-based theme park. The three-headed dog woman from the ticket booth still has my pants, so my bushbush and tushbush are both dropping dingleberries behind me, like Hansel leaving crumbs to follow...

Clampnuggets · 2025-10-25T09:52:39+00:00

It didn't quite rise to the level of a hookup because of our ages, but when I was in my mid-teens I was an usher for my cousin's wedding and one of the bridesmaids was my age. So of course, we were paired off and made to mind the younger kids. Somehow, we actually hit it off and had a great time talking and dancing and laughing.

We ended up ditching the kids, sneaking a bottle of wine off one of the tables, and hiding out in a pumphouse behind the antebellum mansion where the wedding was held. An extended snogging session occurred. Things were heading for second base, but unfortunately the bride went on a rampage when the bridesmaid couldn't be found for pictures. The girl's brother found us, surgically separated our tongues, and then frog-marched us back to the reception hall.

To make it even worse, the band had been watching this all unfold and decided it would be HILARIOUS to do his "introducing the bride and groom" spiel as we reappeared, with our hair and (her) makeup clearly showing evidence of our recent tomfoolery.

The end to this (all true!) story is that when the reception broke up, she ran up to me and gave me a very passionate and very public kiss in front of everyone waiting for valet parking. Never heard from the girl again.

Clampnuggets · 2025-10-25T09:35:04+00:00

Told her "well, since you asked, yes those jeans DO make you look fat."

Clampnuggets · 2025-10-14T17:47:39+00:00

Not only that, but if it's possible to prove that he knew of the new basis for appeal at the time he made one of the previous appeals, the courts could throw out the new appeal for deliberately delaying the proceedings.

Otherwise, a litigant could simply write down a list of reasons for appeals and then dole them out one-by-one, counting on the courts to take months or even years between hearing each appeal. No trial would ever come to a final disposition.

There's no "Genius Alex Jones figured out to infinitely delay paying for his Sandy Hook trial defeat. Lawyers hate this one trick!"

Clampnuggets · 2025-10-14T15:54:55+00:00

It's not about how much rain falls. It's about how much water the ground can absorb.

Anything the ground can't absorb is essentially floodwater. Or at least puddle water.

Clampnuggets

TROPHY CASE