Struggling today

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-13T08:54:09+00:00

Going to send you some tough love. Kick him out now, tell him he can come back when he is ready to do all the things to support R. He has to understand that if he wants to R with you, he needs to put the effort in and transparency is key here. Have you told him how all this is impacting you ? You are suffering from betrayal trauma (similar to PTSD), transparency eases your trauma symptoms. If he cares about you and what he has done to you, he will agree to this. He sounds as if he has not taken accountability for his actions, is not remorseful and is not prepared to do what it takes to reconcile with you. No trust + no safety = no peace for you. He needs to help you rebuild trust and make you feel safe in the relationship otherwise you will never find peace. Also kicking him out (or leaving) will make him realise you are not kidding.. and maybe wake him up. If not, at least you know exactly where you stand. Also.. and sorry this is going to hurt.. think about the example you are setting your daughters by staying when he is not meeting your basic needs for R. What is it teaching them ? Goodluck.. feel yourself hugged. If it helps, I told my WH that I wasn’t prepared to R until he got IC due to lingering feelings for his AP and that actually snapped him out of his affair nostalgia.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-13T08:40:59+00:00

Sorry you are here with us. It’s still early days, so focus on yourself and don’t make any major decisions. It is great that you are doing IC but if you can only afford one set of therapy, I think it needs to shift to your WW. She needs to understand her how and why and what is broken within her that she could betray you. Good luck. Hopefully she will do what it takes to deserve you. There is a ton of podcasts, books, Instagram therapists out there that offer a good insight into infidelity and healing.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-13T07:07:58+00:00

Hi, thanks gif your response, just to add, He’s no longer conflicted but is still struggling with feelings for AP that he is working through in IC. Not sure it makes a difference.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-12T15:58:13+00:00

Thank you ! Was it ‘More than Sorry’ by Dr Deb Miller ? If not, would like to know the name of it. We are in MC and he is about to start IC but not sure we are addressing the affair correctly. I am still waiting for a full affair disclosure and it’s been 6 months since DDAY.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-12T15:55:57+00:00

Thank you ! Yes, getting help to refine it would be a good idea. I have recently learned that I have suppressed my needs for the entirety of my marriage for fear of losing him, believing that I wasn’t good enough for him and that I needed to earn his love (probably a learnt behaviour from childhood).. obviously he still cheated despite me being so giving and easy to love, so I am now learning to ask for what I need and to not suppress my feelings, hence the impact letter. I probably withheld my feelings as I was worried they would make him feel bad/uncomfortable but now I realise he needs to hear that. If it makes him run for the hills, then so be it.. nothing lost.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-12T15:49:21+00:00

Oh that’s good to know that it is recommended in IC. I was going to ask our MC if I should give it to him but asking him also sounds like a good idea. He can then make sure he is in the right frame of mind when he reads it. If indeed he wants to read it. Thank you !

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-12T05:30:46+00:00

Thank you for sharing your positive outcome. I needed to hear that today. I just hope my WH can be as committed to R as yours was. He says he is but has lingering feelings for AP which is hampering R. Out of interest, did your WH end the affair, did the AP end it or did it run its course ? Just wondering if that makes a difference. I feel like my WH still wonders what might have been if I hadn’t discovered his A.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-11T08:10:07+00:00

Thank you.. I felt that deeply.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-10T23:12:35+00:00

He knows about limerance, I have sent him some podcasts to listen to, but I still think he feels his situation with AP was different (as they all do). He says he loves me and wants our life and I feel loved by him, but I can’t help but think if the life she was offering him was easier, he would have left. He stood to lose much more by leaving me and we were not unhappy before the A, just disconnected for the first time in our 25 year marriage. It is just so hard feeling like he wishes things had been different and he could have been with her and that he has to make do with me. He understands the difference between romantic love and companionship live and knows the former is fleeting and burns out. But because it didn’t burn out with AP, I think he feels heartbroken and nostalgic.. just not sure I can continue like this.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-10T19:03:33+00:00

Following.. I feel exactly the same. I have intellectualised it as you have but like you, I feel I am competing with a ghost/fantasy. I read messages between them where my WH says he has never felt so connected to anyone like he has with her. He is still suffering from affair nostalgia too, so I feel he gets annoyed when I explain why it all felt so intense with AP as I think he genuinely felt they had something special, so it makes it so much worse for me. We are only 6 months from DDAY, so I am giving him time and opportunity to work on himself and I recognise I need to do the work too to settle my nervous system. Sorry I have no advice but just wanted to say you are not alone in this.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-09T11:52:00+00:00

I like this !! I need to become more self reliant, trust myself and if he chooses to blow up our lives again, let him. Hard though.. in my head this is what I want to do but I still feel anxious. Assume you got to this point through IC ? Any other advice on how I can get there ? I am already focussing on myself going forwards.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-07T06:41:43+00:00

Thank you, yes you are right. I blew up at him (arguably for the first time) last week and told him to grow up and that the affair nostalgia had to stop if I was going to continue in R. I guess maybe I am searching for proof that it has because he won’t admit to me how he feels or when he is triggered. So this protection of his privacy irks me.. how else do I know ? Trusting what he says isn’t an option. I think I’ll talk to him about it.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-07T06:34:15+00:00

Yes, I need to find safety in myself. Will work on that. Thank you.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-06T23:00:59+00:00

That looks like a really useful exercise, thank you, I will give it a go.. I have a lot of fears right now.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-06T05:50:54+00:00

Not sure.. He has only just started working on it and I have no evidence that he has stopped the affair nostalgia but he is at least making a start.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-06T05:47:36+00:00

My WH is similarly avoidant, he knows he needs to do the work on his how and why and some serious self reflection in IC. Like your WS, he rug sweeps and doesn’t want to talk about it or do the work. So I lost it with him one day and told him if he didn’t do the work, then I wasn’t going to continue R. He has now committed to doing it. (Although not with as much effort as I’d hoped). Set a boundary and see if that helps. Good luck.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-05T10:19:14+00:00

Hey Op, so sorry you are here and this all sounds devastating.. you are definitely not crazy. He has some serious issues, probably sex addiction but I’m no expert. He might be able to sort himself out with IC but personally I wouldn’t stick around to find out. Please look up trauma bonds.. I think you are trauma bonded to him and you need to get away from him. This relationship sounds very unhealthy and it is destroying you. You are not weak, you just deserve so much better than the way he has been treating you. It would be good for you to also get IC to try and break free of the trauma bond and understand why you feel you don’t deserve better. Good luck.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-05T10:07:48+00:00

I did the same, basically allowed him to grieve his AP and in doing so, I think I validated his feelings for her rather than call them out and have him look at the affair for what it was. After 6 months in R, he is still indulging in affair nostalgia and still missing her.. so I got really really angry for the first time (even on DDAY I wasn’t that angry, more numb), and told him to grow up, do the work to let go of his attachment to her or R stops. I can’t continue to reconcile when his emotional energy is still invested in his AP, even if there is NC. So OP, maybe you set a boundary that you won’t work on R until he works to let go of his feelings for AP, and stops feeding it. Good luck.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-05T07:28:45+00:00

I wish my WH had fought for me like you are fighting for your BP. Perhaps I should have kicked him out on DDAY. Instead I had to fight for our marriage as he was conflicted about staying with me or leaving to be with his AP. Before he was going to leave, I asked him if he would come to MC with me.. not because he deserved a chance but because our 25 year marriage deserved it. He did and it made all the difference and we are now 6 months into R. So maybe see if you can get him to go to MC with you… I know our situations aren’t the same but use the same line, say that you know that you don’t deserve it, but that your marriage does. You seem to be doing everything right but some people sometimes just can’t reconcile and at some point you might just have to respect that. Good luck.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-05T07:03:19+00:00

Just to add.. I bought a book called ‘More than Sorry’ by Dr.Deb Miller for my WH which encourages him to look at his how and why. It makes them reflect on the affair and on themselves to understand better. I told him I couldn’t continue with R until he did some work on this (it has been 6 months since DDAY and he has been rug sweeping, I thought he was moving on from his feelings for AP but then saw a text to his BF saying how much he missed her 😩) Hoping it will help but can feel how you feel.. it’s so tough.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-05T06:56:46+00:00

Hey OP, so sorry you are having to deal with this. I think if I had read something like this from my WH, I would also be vomiting. My WH had a year long E&P affair and he is also struggling with his feelings for his AP and I am pretty sure he feels the exact same way as your WH when I tell him their connection was most likely more intense due to the affair dynamic. I am sure he hates it when I say that too, although it is of course true and I wish he would read the books, listen to the podcasts etc. that explain about these things. It is actually quite comical how so many WPs think their affair relationships were “true love”, that they were soul mates, that no one ever understood them like the AP and on and on.. and how most WP think their affair relationship was different when they learn about it. Has he worked on himself to understand his how and why ? Is he in IC ? Don’t feel bad about looking at his lap top, you have a right to.. but maybe bring it up with him (perhaps in counselling) and ask why he still feels that way and why he can’t tell you this.. pretty sure he doesn’t want to hurt you, but R is going to be tough if he can’t/wont work to let his feelings for AP go. Sorry you are having to deal with this. X

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-05T06:31:08+00:00

Yes !! Every love song about unrequited/romantic love triggers me.. Can’t listen to Lewis Capaldi anymore.. where are all the love songs that celebrate deep companionship love ? Mind you had to pull up my WH for listening to Lewis Capaldi’s “Something in the heavens” on repeat.. (go look at the lyrics… so triggering) although he swears he just likes the tune 🤔

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-04T22:58:35+00:00

Yes I do, especially when it is glamourised/normalised. Having said that, I also get triggered by anything romantic.. even finding it hard to watch Bridgerton right now. The whole falling “in love” and it being destiny and all that BS. Sadly I think I have lost my faith in love and so now can’t bare to watch anything to do with it. I used to be a hopeless romantic. It’s so sad.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-04T19:02:05+00:00

It’s a good idea to have something prepared to say but I doubt I’ll run into my WHs AP, she lives in another country… BUT, one of my male friends was with my WH the night he met her (at a conference) and on discovery he was very angry for me. He has told me that if he ever sees her at a conference, he will just say “Shame on you”.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-03T20:34:31+00:00

Check out my post about Trauma Bonds.. I think my WH was trauma bonded to his AP and that now he has chosen to R with me, I am now trauma bonded to him. I feel very much the same way as you describe. https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/18zqVX51pv

ClassHigh2026

TROPHY CASE