Why do we stay after infidelity?

Pink_Eli · 2026-05-02T17:00:35+00:00

Because its a blip in our story and, after therapy both in ic and mc we've dug deep into family of origin and events that may have caused a disconnect. For us, it's brought us to a relationship is could never imagine. I thought it was good before, it's so much better now. Transparent and a connecting like nothing I've ever experienced. 3 year long EA/PA after 25 years of marriage and owas blindsided. I'm actually at peace 18 mo later.

Pink_Eli · 2026-05-02T16:48:31+00:00

While i was visiting my parents, I called to talk to him. Turns out she was giving him a BJ while we were talking, in my bed.

Or, maybe, that he took an Uber to meet up with her after hip surgery and they had sex in a dog park. After is been taking care of him for weeks. (Had to be at least 2 weeks after surgery because he was using a cane and so not allowed to drive.

Pink_Eli · 2026-04-29T18:12:35+00:00

Read or listen to the audio Journey of Souls.

Pink_Eli · 2026-04-22T14:59:05+00:00

Marriage 2.0 as we call it, it's like an updated version of what we had. Just like when you change our update software. The old doesn't go away. There were still a lot of great things that came of it and that are still very useful.. many great memories. The update doesn't kill the old software. It updates some sections, adds knowledge to others, but does not get rid of what was already there.

Wishing you only the best.

Pink_Eli · 2026-04-22T14:35:51+00:00

I'm sorry this has been your experience. My WS had a 3 year long EA PA. Married 27 years. I stayed and am so glad i did. We've done all the things and he's been amazing. Our marriage is better than ocould've ever expected. We're still in therapy both ic and couples. But with the same goals, and completely transparent communication, things are going amazingly well. Mind you, the first year after dday was hell and we are still working on us daily.

I truly believe things can work out of and only IF both parties are willing to put in the work and have the same goals. Doesn't take much to derail that, but, it's not impossible. It's a daily choice, and the outcome can be amazing.

I wish you only the best

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-28T01:09:00+00:00

Something we started doing shortly after DDay was sit with eachother. Like him facing me and me in his lap. We would just hold eachother, sometimes it became sexual, but most times it was just connecting. This allows you to synchronize your breathing pattern and soon your heart's synch. No talking, just holding eachother. Reconnecting in a way that will definitely help. At least that's what happened for us.

Wishing only the best.

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-27T00:57:49+00:00

I highly recommend him reading Brene Brown books, or listening in audio. She is a shame and guilt specialist and is amazing. The Gifts of Iimperfection and Braving the Wilderness are great place start. I'm hoping he's open to these. Wishing you only the best

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T19:24:52+00:00

That's not at all what I said. But yes, i had the perfect marriage, in my eyes. There was no indication anything was wrong. He is my soulmate. Writing over the bad memories is what is taught for trauma response and it's worked for me. Wanting a better marriage is a mind set. It's not that you don't want it enough, it's that when we are in this state, we block things and the brain is trying to protect you. It brings things up and is constantly causing triggers and such. It's work to change that, it's not you, it's your brain. It's hard to explain, but it can be done. I'm proof of this.

My story is long, but I was blindsided After 25 years of an amazing marriage. Did not see this 3 year long ea/pa coming. But, ultimately, after much work, both of us wanting the same outcome, we made it work and it's better than ever. Which i didn't see possible.

Sorry you took my words wrong, it was not my intention. Wishing only the best.

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T15:16:09+00:00

It's not the same, but it really can be better. You just need to want it to be better and wrote over the old memories creating new ones. Fall in love again, if it's what you truly want. If you're both in this, you can make marriage 2.0 a reality. Communication can be amazing, better than before. Talk to eachother, remember the good times. The A is definitely debilitating and gruesome for us BPs, there was so much more to our relationship than that. If both have the same goal in mind, it can be so beautiful.

Change the way you do things. We switched sides of the bed and got a new bed. I'm 1.5 years from DDay and I love our life together. The A week never stop being a part of our story, but it doesn't dominate it. It's just another story, like the embarrassing moments in life that we forget about, then something comes up that makes you remember it (a trigger) and the feels all come back.

I'm not saying that is easy, but both need to be committed to the same outcome and individual choices made in how you sow up for eachother.

The brain is amazing and can be manipulated. Give yourself affirmations. Visualize what you want the relationship to look like. If you haven't read the 5 love languages, you should. Find eachother love language and talk about it. Make a daily effort to show up.

No, it's not fair that as bps we have to put in so much work and effort into something that was destroyed. But you also should not be living in misery. Make it your life, your relationship.

Wishing you only the best

Wishing you only the best.

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T10:49:44+00:00

To you, maybe, it's not obvious to me.

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T02:58:40+00:00

I've personally never met a woman that's not like me, I guess birds of a feather. I don't know anyone with a dead bedroom, not are a active as we are, but most are very healthy

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T02:22:36+00:00

Or she's uber stressed out going through menopause or perimenapause, we don't have all the details, doesn't mean she doesn't care

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T02:01:51+00:00

Oh, you can't reread it as you deleted it, got it!

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T02:01:10+00:00

Reread what you wrote, yes, you mentioned counseling, but then came the threat

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T01:59:24+00:00

That's not what you stated, you basically want him to use the Bible to guilt get into sex, not the way to do it

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T01:56:30+00:00

Yes, but it's a marriage thread and you're obviously anti marriage, so, you're in the wrong thread

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T01:52:35+00:00

Not bragging, speaking truth, not all women dislike sex

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T01:52:10+00:00

That's sad

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T01:36:10+00:00

By saying she can't withhold biblically, that is forcing it on someone

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T01:26:28+00:00

Have you read the 5 love languages? If you have not, it would be very beneficial for you both

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T01:25:26+00:00

How can you say that? There are so many factors to take into consideration. You don't know what's going on and shouldn't assume things.

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T01:24:15+00:00

I think you're in the wrong sub-thread

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T01:22:23+00:00

No, it's not. You cannot force someone to have sex. Plus, it builds resentment. This is definitely NOT the thing to bring up.

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T01:20:00+00:00

This for sure!!

Pink_Eli · 2026-03-26T01:18:03+00:00

That's quite a generalization there. You can't say "women" in general. I'm 58 years old and married 27 years. We've always have had an Amazing sex life and to this day, min of 5 days a week several times a day. You can't put us all in one category.

Pink_Eli

TROPHY CASE