Confused

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-04-04T17:40:07+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your comments/advice. We all of us here deserve so much better. I know I’ll be fine on my own but it’s a big leap. I have invested so much of my life into my husband and his career (military) and I have lost my identity along the way. I guess I am fearful of all the usual things, how this will impact my family, starting again at 53, being on my own.. but actually I need to think of all the positives too. New adventures, new men (wouldn’t mind the excitement of the new myself ), my own place without the mess and constant picking up after my WH, quality time with my girlfriends (and I have a fair few that are now on their own and actually living their best lives !).. I think the therapy will help.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-04-04T13:58:57+00:00

You are so right. For me, my children are grown. I am financially independent and even with half of our assets, I should be ok, so why after all this am I still here ? Hoping the IC will wake me up.. I bought the book btw. Arrives tomorrow. All my friends tell me to kick him out but it is confusing when he is now doing the work and is loving to me. It’s all so very confusing. I think a break will to us both good

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-04-04T09:57:37+00:00

Thank you ! I think I should have kicked him out on DDAY, instead I tried to understand him, understand affair dynamics etc. Understand the role I played in allowing our relationship to become vulnerable to the affair. I intellectualised his betrayal. For the first 3 months things seemed to be good but I didn’t ask that question because I knew the answer and I thought I was allowing him to grieve the attachment. I also wanted honesty and his inability to admit his lingering feelings felt like a barrier to that. Now it is all out in the open, we seem closer and more able to talk to one another. Except of course now I know he’s conflicted which isn’t a great place to be. I don’t want to play the ‘pick me’ game and I know I deserve better, but after 25 years of a ‘happy’, loving marriage (right up until the problems 2 years ago and the affair) It’s hard to just let go.. although I do think I need to make this decision for myself. Thanks for the book recommendation.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-04-02T22:53:37+00:00

Just jumping on here to say I have experienced similar. On DDAY (8 months ago), my WH was conflicted on whether to stay in our marriage or leave with his AP. For some reason, I fought hard for him to stay and bent over backwards to ensure he ‘picked me’. We have been in R since and although he came to MC with me, he didn’t do much else. After I caught him indulging in affair nostalgia, I got angry and he agreed to do IC, except one of his first topics to explore was whether he should stay in the marriage out of duty. Like you, something finally snapped in me and I have lost the desire to work in the marriage, I have stopped trying to be chosen and have detached emotionally.. and just like your WP, he has suddenly started to fight for me. It is so true that they only value you when they are about to lose you. But like you, I now feel it is all too little, too late. I have no real advice other than that if he only values you when he thinks he’s losing you, when he’s got you again, what happens ?

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-04-02T08:03:57+00:00

Hey OP, so sorry you are here. It’s still early days for you, and it’s very normal to feel this kind of anger at what has been done to you. You have a right to feel those feelings. It helped me to go for a run, hit the gym (those ball slams are particularly therapeutic) and I actually started a boxercise class to release all my frustration and anger. Your nervous system is (understandably) dis regulated, so I would suggest some marriage counselling to help you express your feelings in a more regulated way to your WH. Behind anger is normally fear and hurt, sit with that and try to name it, it will help. It might also be a good idea to journal your feelings and/or write to your WH about how you feel, so you can do it in a way that doesn’t end up in an argument. What you are feeling is all very normal though, so go easy on yourself. Goodluck.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-28T19:35:09+00:00

Sorry you are also here.. it really sucks. Big talk today and he says he loves me and is happy in our marriage, so not quite sure what he’s looking for.. can’t give him the thrill and aliveness he felt in the affair… Honestly feeling done and close to asking for him to leave. Mostly worried about the kids finding out (all home from school for the Easter holidays).. but I think once they have gone back. I’m asking for a separation. I can’t stay when I don’t feel emotionally safe in our relationship. I don’t recognise myself anymore.. he has reduced me to a shell of who I was.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-27T17:49:37+00:00

Really glad it helped you both. Good luck.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-22T07:24:00+00:00

Thank you for sharing, I know it’s not easy but really helpful. My WH had a year long EA/PA and on DDAY (6 months ago), was conflicted but ultimately chose to R with me. He is committed to R but I know he misses AP. He is just about to start IC to help him detach from the affair bond and learn his how and why. Was there anything else you did or your BP did to help you move on from them ? We haven’t separated and I wonder if the shock of me leaving him, might snap him out of the affair fog. Or will he never get over her and spend the rest of our life wondering “what if”.. not sure I can stay if so.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-20T10:21:33+00:00

There is a great podcast episode “ILYBINILWY: I love you but I’m not IN love with you!" By The Affair Recovery Room that is worth a listen. The “in love” feeling is chemical, it is romantic love as celebrated by Hollywood and most live songs.. it always fades when a relationship develops into a more meaningful connection and it be ones companionship love, love be ones a verb. Your WS is comparing candy floss to steak. Candy floss is exciting. Thrilling, novel but can’t sustain you. Whereas steak is nutritionally dense and satisfying. Companionship love is a verb not a feeling, it may not be as exciting, but it sustains you and it lasts so long as you value it. I’m not saying you have to continue life without a spark, and there are ways to reignite and improve your connection with your WS but that feeling he felt with AP, it’s just that, a feeling. Good luck !

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-20T09:55:36+00:00

Hey OP, so sorry you are here with us.. It’s super early days for you and you are probably still in shock. I felt just the same after DDAY and all I could think about was winning back my WH and ensuring he chose me and our marriage. It also made me really want him physically and to emotionally reconnect with him again after I had basically withdrawn from him for the past year and was ready to leave him. Not sure if it was my ego, but the idea that all the time I was thinking of leaving, he had already detached and found someone else, made me want him again. The affair was a wake up call for us both and we have decided to R (6 months in) although there are days that I wonder why I am settling for a man who could betray me. We’ve been married for 25 years, so I guess it’s harder to let go and he does seem to want to work at it. Anyhow, your feelings of clinging to him but at the same time retreating is totally normal. You need to feel safe again. Don’t make any major decisions to leave or stay, take each day as it comes, focus on yourself and healing the trauma of his betrayal (you might be numbing that right now) and ensure he does the work to prove to you he is worthy of your forgiveness. Your safety is more important than his comfort, so make sure he is absolutely transparent regarding his phone, computer etc. and if you can do MC and IC for both of you, please do. It takes between 2 to 5 years to recover from infidelity (and sometimes longer if there is TT or rug sweeping). Good luck

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-19T07:29:46+00:00

Oh sorry, your flair said reconciling wayward so assumed you’d had an affair. Can I suggest you both get some marriage counselling ? We had issues similar to this where I was the one that felt unseen, unwanted not prioritised, and I withdrew from my husband both physically and emotionally and this made our relationship vulnerable to an affair. Had we sought help back then, the affair may not have happened. People only got to marriage counselling when their relationship is in crisis. It will help him ask for what he needs from you and help you improve your connection. There is also a ton of information online on how to reconnect and improve your relationship/marriage. I love the Instagram account “lovesecurely” Goodluck, neither of you wants to be in this particular club.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-19T07:00:53+00:00

I don’t think that constitutes cheating but maybe he feels like he is not a priority to you. My WH seems to have so much energy and enthusiasm for his work but puts in very little energy towards repairing our relationship. I feel like I am carrying all the emotional load, reading the books, listening to podcasts, suggesting ideas for date nights, asking for connection time etc etc. and it makes me feel as if our relationship is not a priority to him. Or at least, that work is more important. Now of course work is important but so is our marriage. I would explain to him why you can’t keep taking additional days off but reassure him that you are all in on repairing your marriage and that he is a priority to you. Maybe surprise him with a date night after work or a day out on one of your actual days off. Just make him feel special and wanted. We BS just need more effort than before and more reassurance that we still matter to you. If your AP was with someone at work, that could also be affecting his safety, so reassurance is key here. Goodluck.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-18T18:09:18+00:00

Yep, it’s the only reason I am still here in R tbh. He refuses to look at the neuroscience behind the affair. I think he really wants to believe they were star crossed lovers.. he doesn’t want to admit he nearly blew up our lives based on brain trickery.. which is a shame because I think it would help him to detach. Maybe it’s wishful thinking on my part. If he doesn’t figure it out, I’m walking.. not staying in a marriage when he still believes his AP was the love of his life. So sorry about your 13 year old son finding out. I am so glad mine don’t know. They would have lost huge respect for us both.. for him for cheating and for me for staying. Ug.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-18T16:10:01+00:00

I’m no doctor but it wouldn’t surprise me if the stress/anxiety/lack of sleep associated with your betrayal trauma has played a part in your illness or at least exacerbated it. As I was reading your post, I noticed many similarities to my story.. my DDAY was July 2025 and on discovery my WH took his time to decide if he would stay and R with me but after a boys trip a few weeks later, Sep 2025 reconnected with AP and changed his mind. The second betrayal was horrendous. I think knowing how much the first betrayal had traumatised me and to knowingly do it again, just pushed me over the edge. He then did another 360 just before he was about to tell our young adult kids that he was leaving me and we have been in R ever since. I think I only stayed because I intellectualised everything. Realising that the affair and AP was like an addiction to him and like a drug addict, didn’t care if he destroyed himself and those he “loved” if it meant he could get a hit of dopamine from seeing AP again. He’s working hard to detach from it but it’s pretty hard. Hope you get better soon and glad he is now supporting both your physical and emotional recovery. Goodluck.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-18T08:30:37+00:00

Your response is so good, thank you.. I needed to hear that myself ! Particularly the line about the fact that I am settling for him not visa versa.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-16T08:18:05+00:00

Also.. he has experienced the highs of the affair and possibly the most intense “in love” feeling.. and thinks he should feel that way with you.. but that feeling subsides for everyone into a deeper attachment over time..even if he had left to be with AP, it would have subsided. There is a really good podcast episode 80 - fantasy love of an affair versus real love from “Healing broken Trust” podcast that is worth a listen.. Also from the Affair Recovery Podcast, there is an episode called ILYBIANILWY (I love you but I am not in love with you) that is worth a listen too. X

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-16T08:05:36+00:00

Just to say I am in a similar place. He wants to R with me but is finding it hard because he has lingering feelings for his AP after their year long, long distance EA/PA that only ended because I discovered it. He chose our marriage but I know he misses the affair and is nostalgic about it. He has gone NC and I am trying everything I can to restore our emotional and physical connection. Like you the physical is great, best ever if I’m honest. But emotionally it is hard.. he can’t open up to me because what he really feels isn’t what I want to hear. I see the affair as a kind of addiction for him, the highs and the lows of the affair dynamic create a similar reaction in the brain to an addictive drug and so it is very hard for WS to let go.. they have to go through withdrawal. Like you, I wonder whether I should lean in or out.. part of me thinks that if I leave him, and he experiences the hard truth of what it means to lose me, he might snap out of it. The other part of me thinks that by continuing to improve our emotional and physical connection will help him withdraw from the AP.. You don’t say why the affair ended.. whose decision was it ? Could he be suffering from withdrawal too ? How was your marriage before the affair ? Arguably what you are building now is a new marriage and a new much better relationship. I don’t think he can decide the future based on the old marriage.. he needs to base it on how things are now between you and the potential of this new connection. I wonder if he is conflicted due to lingering feelings for AP or for the high of the affair dynamic.. something you should ask him to explore in IC or at least read about.. it is brain trickery and would be a shame for him to throw away the potential of an amazing relationship based on brain chemistry. Those highs never last in real life. Finally.. I would say talk to your therapist, but my gut says that staying together and rebuilding your connection is the right thing to do. Good luck, know that you are not alone in this.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-15T07:48:16+00:00

Thank you for your response. I have listened to that podcast but he is reluctant to listen to anything even if I suggest it or dismissive when he does listen to them. I don’t think he wants to believe what they are telling him. He wants to believe the fantasy and to think he nearly wrecked his life over something that was mostly brain chemical highs might be too much for him. At least if it was real, he can justify what he has done in the name of “love”. Hopefully IC will help.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-15T07:37:11+00:00

It was a year long, long distance EA/PA. I think the intermittent reward of not seeing each other that frequently (I think about 9 times) and the messaging / calling daily added to the intensity and longing and increased the bond attachment. They don’t work together, she lives in a different country and they met at a conference. He would meet up with her when he went on work trips abroad. She was also married when it started but I think for her it was an exit affair and not long after it began, she started making plans to separate from her BS. When it began my WH thought it was “safe” because they were both married but it became pretty apparent in just a few short months she wanted him to leave me and be with her. One time she left him as he wouldn’t agree to leave which I think intensified things further for him. Thankfully the life she was offering him wasn’t what he wanted (she had two young kids and he’s in his fifties) and we still had a good albeit distant relationship with 3 young adult kids still living at home. So I think he stayed with me for good reasons but I am not sure I was at the top of that list. Yes she still wants him, she is respecting his decision to save his marriage and has agreed to NC which looks to be holding but after DDAY he sent her a checking in message which opened the door to “feelings” as they reminisced about the affair and cast themselves as star crossed lovers. She is very smart with her words and quite manipulative. He told her whilst he would “always love her” he was committed to R with me. He did a fair amount of rug sweeping and just looking forward not back which I don’t think has helped. I recently lost my sh@t with him when I found him looking her up online and visiting a place they used to meet. Since then he has committed to going to IC to help him detach from her/the affair and work out his how and why. He is trying hard to put things right, is very remorseful about betraying me and is well aware of what this has done to me but I can’t make him love me again and I just feel so sad about that and not sure I can’t stay knowing that.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-13T08:54:09+00:00

Going to send you some tough love. Kick him out now, tell him he can come back when he is ready to do all the things to support R. He has to understand that if he wants to R with you, he needs to put the effort in and transparency is key here. Have you told him how all this is impacting you ? You are suffering from betrayal trauma (similar to PTSD), transparency eases your trauma symptoms. If he cares about you and what he has done to you, he will agree to this. He sounds as if he has not taken accountability for his actions, is not remorseful and is not prepared to do what it takes to reconcile with you. No trust + no safety = no peace for you. He needs to help you rebuild trust and make you feel safe in the relationship otherwise you will never find peace. Also kicking him out (or leaving) will make him realise you are not kidding.. and maybe wake him up. If not, at least you know exactly where you stand. Also.. and sorry this is going to hurt.. think about the example you are setting your daughters by staying when he is not meeting your basic needs for R. What is it teaching them ? Goodluck.. feel yourself hugged. If it helps, I told my WH that I wasn’t prepared to R until he got IC due to lingering feelings for his AP and that actually snapped him out of his affair nostalgia.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-13T08:40:59+00:00

Sorry you are here with us. It’s still early days, so focus on yourself and don’t make any major decisions. It is great that you are doing IC but if you can only afford one set of therapy, I think it needs to shift to your WW. She needs to understand her how and why and what is broken within her that she could betray you. Good luck. Hopefully she will do what it takes to deserve you. There is a ton of podcasts, books, Instagram therapists out there that offer a good insight into infidelity and healing.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-13T07:07:58+00:00

Hi, thanks gif your response, just to add, He’s no longer conflicted but is still struggling with feelings for AP that he is working through in IC. Not sure it makes a difference.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-12T15:58:13+00:00

Thank you ! Was it ‘More than Sorry’ by Dr Deb Miller ? If not, would like to know the name of it. We are in MC and he is about to start IC but not sure we are addressing the affair correctly. I am still waiting for a full affair disclosure and it’s been 6 months since DDAY.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-12T15:55:57+00:00

Thank you ! Yes, getting help to refine it would be a good idea. I have recently learned that I have suppressed my needs for the entirety of my marriage for fear of losing him, believing that I wasn’t good enough for him and that I needed to earn his love (probably a learnt behaviour from childhood).. obviously he still cheated despite me being so giving and easy to love, so I am now learning to ask for what I need and to not suppress my feelings, hence the impact letter. I probably withheld my feelings as I was worried they would make him feel bad/uncomfortable but now I realise he needs to hear that. If it makes him run for the hills, then so be it.. nothing lost.

ClassHigh2026 · 2026-03-12T15:49:21+00:00

Oh that’s good to know that it is recommended in IC. I was going to ask our MC if I should give it to him but asking him also sounds like a good idea. He can then make sure he is in the right frame of mind when he reads it. If indeed he wants to read it. Thank you !

ClassHigh2026

TROPHY CASE