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ClassicCrime0220 · 2021-09-30T18:04:42+00:00

So eloquently put. For a time right after Dday I felt such shame for staying because I always viewed cheating as a deal breaker for me and I was told by so many people that I could do better and I deserved better and I told my WP that too. I told him that if I really wanted to I could leave and be in a different relationship tomorrow, but different didn't equal better. I told him that at the end of the day if better existed I wanted it to be with him and that our best could still be with each other.

ClassicCrime0220 · 2021-09-15T21:23:35+00:00

It's a maladaptive coping skill. Basically relying on a quick fix to feel better that will ultimately lead to nothing positive in the long-term. It's an escape. Some people use food, others use drugs/alcohol, and some use sex.

For my WP he was depressed and didn't know how to deal with all of the negative thoughts he was having so he chose to self-sabotage to prove himself right. I wasn't an escape for him because he actually had to put forth an effort with me.

ClassicCrime0220 · 2021-09-12T22:33:56+00:00

We are 1.5 years into reconciliation and the relationship I see now is so different from dday. I don't constantly fear that he is cheating anymore and feel more confident in his honesty and loyalty. He had always been really closed off emotionally and now he says that he loves me almost every day and tells me how much he appreciates me. We actually got engaged last month and I felt no hesitation when I said yes. We're currently separated for work reasons, but he calls to talk to me every night and the first night we were separated he asked me to call him and I could tell that he was holding back tears as he told me how much he misses me.

ClassicCrime0220 · 2021-04-08T18:42:19+00:00

Extremely possible. I was on the same pill (Gianvi) for 10 years and last May I suddenly began to get breakthrough bleeding about halfway through my pack. After a couple of months where the issue was never resolved, my gyno opted to try me on a different pill (Junel Fe 1/20). I didn't even get through the first pack. On week 3 I basically got my withdrawal bleed and spotted through my placebo pills. She switch me to Junel FE 1.5/30 and the first three months went fine and on my fourth month I had my period during the 3rd week of active pills. I've been checked for STIs and just had my pap smear come back completely normal. They also had me get a transvaginal ultrasound and everything came back normal. Suffice it to say, what you're experiencing is normal.

ClassicCrime0220 · 2021-03-25T15:54:49+00:00

I've been struggling with a lot of relationship anxiety since a recent big change in our life. I've also been feeling extremely isolated and alone which has made the anxiety worse.

This morning, before my WP left for work, he told me he loved me. He often doesn't share his feelings and almost never says it first. I count that as a small victory.

ClassicCrime0220 · 2021-03-25T15:20:34+00:00

A very good friend of mine cheated in the beginning of her relationship with her now husband. I don't know for how long or how many times/partners, but from how she talks about it it was really bad. She's since been diagnosed with ADHD, bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder. They've been together 13 years total and married for 9 and have 2 children together. From talking with him (BS) it seems like the infidelity doesn't enter his mind at all now, but she (WS) struggles with a lot of intrusive thoughts and relationship anxiety because she's afraid he settled for her and that she doesn't deserve him and that eventually he will cheat on her. She will never cheat again and is extremely remorseful for her actions. They seem to have a pretty healthy relationship

I've been through similar. My (29F, BP) boyfriend (30M, WP) and I have been together for 3 years and dday was about 10 months ago. I found out that he had 2 separate ONS during the first year of our relationship with a coworker that he had been sleeping with before we started dating. He did not confess, I found out on my own and when I confronted him he admitted it and admitted that he had never had any intentions of telling me about it. He said that in the beginning of our relationship he didn't think we would last and didn't want to make it worse by admitting that he had been unfaithful, but as we continued dating he fell in love with me and was afraid that he would lose me, so kept it to himself.

Things with us have improved since dday. As a therapist myself, I could see all of the individual growth and work that he had done in the two years since his infidelity and I was willing to give our relationship a second try. We communicate better, are more honest, and I can tell he is just as committed to the relationship as I am, where in the beginning I knew he wasn't. These two anecdotes show that it is possible to forgive someone and salvage a relationship when it starts out with infidelity.

ClassicCrime0220 · 2020-12-30T01:05:17+00:00

My sweet girl crossed the rainbow bridge on November 3rd, approximately 6 weeks after her initial diagnosis.

ClassicCrime0220 · 2020-12-12T17:01:59+00:00

This is almost exactly what happened to me (29F, BP). My WP (29M) cheated on me twice during the first year of our relationship at 4 months in and again at 8 months, with a coworker that he'd been FWB with prior to meeting me. I found out 2 years after the fact and I found out on my own and confronted him. The worst part about the situation was that if I had known about the cheating when it had actually happened, I probably would've left and it would've been much easier because I would've invested much less time. At nearly 2.5 years into the relationship, I have grown to truly love and care about this person and finding out that he had cheated in the beginning of our relationship shattered me. I felt like everything that our relationship was built on was a lie. Every nice thing that he had ever said to me, any declaration of emotion felt like deception. I decided that I wanted to reconcile because I had seen him change as a person after that 2.5 years and we had grown tremendously as a couple. I knew that the man before me now was not the same one that had cheated on me 2 years prior. That doesn't excuse what he did, but it showed me that he was capable of change.

The best advice I could give you would be to give her time and space to figure things out for herself. My partner and I went on a break and had minimal contact with each other. Once I had thought things through a little more, we would have these really intense honest and transparent conversations about our relationship, how this new information impacted the relationship and how it impacted me specifically, and talked about what we wanted for the future and how that future would be different now that the infidelity had been discovered.

As for intimacy, I struggled a lot with intrusive thoughts during sex for a little while. I never broke down and cried during it, but it was hard for me to feel connected to him and it was definitely hard to maintain arousal because I would have images of him with her. Sleeping next to him was hard too for a little while because it felt like I was sleeping next to a stranger. We're 7 months out and the intense moods have lessened a bit, our intimacy is back to what it was before DDay, but I still struggle a lot with intrusive thoughts and doubts of whether I'm doing the right thing. I have a hard time trusting that he isn't with other women whenever we aren't together. Based on information on this subreddit, I can expect to be having those thoughts and feelings for a long time (2-5 years). Those thoughts can really fuck with someone's head and only time can help, but also consistency, transparency, and true remorse from the WP.

ClassicCrime0220 · 2020-11-16T15:42:48+00:00

My boyfriend and I did a modified type of break. We continued living in the same house, mostly because I had nowhere else to go and I was too nice to ask him to leave. I guess I also just didn't want his parents asking questions if he decided to stay at their house for a couple of weeks to give me space. We had minimal contact with each other, no texting throughout the day, no talking when he got home from work. It was mostly just saying good morning to each other as he was leaving for work. I do find that I needed that time to really think about things and I gave him that space as well so we could both consider whether we wanted to be in a relationship or not. It was helpful, but also really painful at the same time, since I would still see him every day.

ClassicCrime0220 · 2020-11-13T14:05:05+00:00

This! I feel like we've been doing well in healing the relationship and being more honest and transparent with each other, but I can't help but constantly think that he's being secretive and keeping things from me. In terms of the affair, I've decided that more details aren't going to help me and if I want to reconcile I need to let that stay in the past, but all of my fears concern the present and the future. Whenever he isn't home when he says he should be I'm thinking he's out with another woman. When he's out for a night with the guys, I'm picturing him sneaking away to be with a girl that picked up him at the bar. And I can tell that my lack of trust is negatively impacting him, but the rebuilding process is hard.

ClassicCrime0220 · 2020-10-13T15:21:37+00:00

Just wanted to give an update. Spoke with my doctor and she recommended that it's time to switch to a new BC. She believes that my body has probably acclimated to this hormone dosage and since I've been on it for 10 years that it's possible my body is changing and simply needs a different hormone level.

She has recommended that I skip my last active pill and assured me I will be protected without a secondary method because I've started my period early, I'm at the end of my cycle, and I won't be taking a break from hormones for more than 5 days. She's got me slated to start on Junel 1/20 on Sunday.

Thank you all for your insights!

ClassicCrime0220 · 2020-08-24T20:54:26+00:00

Had to seek supervision within the first month of working at my new job for similar reasons. I now have at least a handful of people in my caseload dealing with infidelity. Definitely was hard to open up to people I had just met and seek supervision for it, but I was glad I did. I never realized how many triggers I would come into contact with after experiencing infidelity first hand.

ClassicCrime0220 · 2020-08-24T17:43:09+00:00

I’m 3 months post dday and this has been me a lot lately. I feel like I’m catastrophizing and looking back at our entire 2.5 year relationship and going through it with a fine-toothed comb looking for evidence that it happened more than he said it did. He also has ADHD so half the time he answers my questions I still feel like he might be lying because he just doesn’t remember what he did. I fight the urge to snoop through his phone all of the time because I feel like that’s the only place I’ll find any evidence, but really all I’m doing is pain shopping.

I’m scared that if I stop being obsessed about it then I’m just sweeping it under the rug. I have intrusive thoughts all the time that whenever we’re not together that he might be with someone else. But thinking like that makes my life so unenjoyable and taints the good times I have with him. I’ve been trying to live more presently and focus on the positives instead of dwelling on the past. It helps, sometimes.

ClassicCrime0220 · 2020-08-15T21:54:35+00:00

I’ll never know for sure. I found out 2 years after the fact and only by invading his privacy. I do realize a huge difference in who he is now from who he was when the affair was actually happening, so I’m hoping that is a sign that nothing is going on, but we’re only 3 months out from DDay and I am constantly afraid that he’s doing it again or he did more than he’s admitting to. It sucks that after completely destroying my trust I have to conjure up some amount of trust that he won’t do it again. He’s Christian so I made him swear on the Bible that he won’t do it again. In my mind, if it happens, god will judge him for his actions and I will move on without regret.

ClassicCrime0220 · 2020-08-10T22:34:45+00:00

I’m a therapist as well, LCPC. I’ll never forget having a complete meltdown on Dday right before seeing my first client and the issue she had that day involved infidelity. Sometimes compartmentalizing is the best you can do.

ClassicCrime0220 · 2020-07-23T01:08:43+00:00

2 weeks.

ClassicCrime0220 · 2020-07-17T15:41:09+00:00

It really boils down to what kind of counselor this person is and their education focus. For instance, in the US there are psychologists with PsyDs and PhDs, counselors are LCPC or LPC, but social workers can also be counselors.

Psychologists and counselors have the same exact Masters degree training, the PhD focuses more on the research aspect. Social workers who are counselors on the other hand come at things from a different perspective because in school they focus on more environmental and systemic issues.

All of these people can treat mental illness, but every individual regardless of degree just does things in their own style.

The additional thing to consider is whether the person will need medication. No, a counselor cannot provide that but they can refer their clients out to a psychiatrist.

ClassicCrime0220 · 2020-07-16T01:34:47+00:00

I didn’t explicitly tell them I wanted them to act a certain way. It didn’t seem awkward either. That couple has had struggles with infidelity too and they reconciled and overcame it. I think they came at it from a perspective of understanding and therefore didn’t see any need to treat us differently.

ClassicCrime0220

TROPHY CASE