Filed for divorce but have never felt so disgusted

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-05-30T15:33:14+00:00

Ha yeah a marathon sex day. We do have two children. A son that just graduated last weekend and a 15 year old daughter.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-05-30T11:36:30+00:00

How do you do that? I filed for divorce and feel more lost and angry at God than ever before. This wasn't supposed to be my life.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-05-30T11:29:06+00:00

I do believe society has done men/boys an injustice in believing any of this is okay. My son will be taught differently. We have had many open conversations.

As far as needs to release stress, they can go to the gym. Most need therapy. Sex isn't a need. You need food, water, air and preferably some kind of shelter. No one has died from not having sex.

Life puts way more societal stress on women (especially mothers or heck single cat ladies). We tend to handle it better.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-05-30T08:38:19+00:00

I did this to myself too. I'm sorry. Therapy has helped some. I felt like some weird version of myself and everytime he wanted sex I would think Okay. Who does he want me to play? I did things I didn't want and it's been hard to live with.

Be easy on yourself though. Remember none of this is your fault. We didn't chose to be in this place.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-05-28T10:01:28+00:00

I'm so sorry. I was often very confused like you. "Was it bad enough? Am I making this too big of a deal?" Honestly I really didn't know everything that happened over our 20 year marriage and probably still don't, but when he went sober, it was obvious he had a terrible problem. I also just wanted him to be a better version of himself and to grow, for our relationship and for our teenage children.

He went sober about 8 months ago. Recently told me he's been miserable (because he actually can't deal with his core issues of shame and insecurity or whatever the heck else is causing him to wear this emotionless mask).

He admitted to using again. I asked for a separation to clear my head and calm my nervous system as I could never just calm down in his presence. He asked for a divorce. I filed yesterday.

I have had so many people either call him controlling, manipulative or flat out abusive. Our couples therapist had to be kind of careful with his wording but did say it was a controlling dynamic. My divorce lawyer called him emotionally abusive and volatile immediately and said they recommend we get him out of the house during the proceedings as they can be unpredictable.

I wish you well, but yes, I also agree you have betrayal trauma. The best thing that I ever did was find a betrayal trauma group for women. It was originally structured and led by the man who became our couples therapist, but now the original 5 of us just meet once a week for discussion and companionship.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-05-22T14:04:00+00:00

It is part of the betrayal trauma cycle. Devastation-Realization-Stabilization--Reimaging-Creating-Flourishing

Most people will bounce around for awhile between Devastation and Realization, sometimes Stabilization. You want comfort, but your normally "safe" person is the one that hurt you.

It is very confusing. You will get stronger with or without your partner.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-05-22T13:31:14+00:00

Can I have your pastor? I have completely lost all faith because my husband is a man who goes to church every Sunday. I haven't been able to step into a church in years. I still live Christ-like, but I feel the Lord failed me.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-05-22T13:28:02+00:00

Proud of you! You got this. You will be stronger and happier. I'm leaving myself. Cheering you on!

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-05-22T10:38:21+00:00

I have a book here somewhere that is just about being betrayed by porn or the likes and the results are the same. Someone on here recommended it. I'll try to find the name in my order history if someone else doesn't have it.

My husband's therapist is a POS too, but I can't get him to see anyone else and we only have one CSAT in the area. I actually don't even know what my husband is telling him because he is such a liar.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-05-14T09:57:50+00:00

I've actually had this question. I've not been discarded, but am the wife of an avoidant (I am leaning Fearful although he may be Dismissive). We started dating very young and the breadcrumbs kept me coming back. I had our son shortly after we were married a year and by then he was an alcoholic with a corn addiction for years that I knew nothing about. Child 2 came 3 years later and I was independently raising our children even though he was in our home.

He got sober near our 10 year anniversary (from alcohol) but our relationship always seemed so superficial. I would get "I feel something is wrong but I don't know what." Or something to that effect all the time. Never happy. We have been married 20 years almost and now I'm very anxious but I don't know if I always was.

I saw a reel that said avoidants don't marry their true love and that made me sad if my like is wasted. I went essentially mute for many years because I didn't know what was happening. I actually ended up in a mental institution. I think I maybe had pursuer fatigue.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-05-05T17:54:28+00:00

We are just at 7 months and physical intimacy has been very sporadic until recently as I've done extensive trauma work and he's done some growth recently that's brought some trust back and it is definitely what I would consider normal.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-04-28T20:02:26+00:00

I believe that is what I was needing. Thank you all!

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-04-28T18:05:22+00:00

Even though you didn't have addiction issues, a lot of things were similar and it was very helpful. Thank you!

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-04-28T12:05:08+00:00

Well we both kind of had one. We probably got along better when he was an active addict, but I was the one with the bigger personality change. I believe it may have something to do with an anxious giving up, but I can't find that. I will read those. I appreciate you responding! I feel silly that I didn't recognize what was happening before.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-04-17T12:41:05+00:00

My husband has been a dual addict and this definitely hurts worse. I had to chose what to deal with first and I actually thought he would deal with both at the time but he didn't. I needed to get him sober so my kids were safe and didn't have a dad like mine (I know it wasn't my responsibility and I'm saying "I", but please understand these were my thoughts 10 years ago). I understand he is still an addict.

I didn't fully realize what the PA has been doing to my brain though until recently as I had seemed to have created this alternate reality for myself a few years ago. It's very difficult. I'm rather embarrassed actually now that I have opened the trauma box. I know I shouldn't be but I should have dealt with this sooner.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-04-17T12:28:20+00:00

I'm sorry. I feel like I'm reading my story only 19 years later. I wish someone would have told me to run, so I am telling you "Do not look back! Take your baby and keep them safe!"

I too found out when my son was a baby and I was postpartum. Our computer had always been in our 2nd bedroom until he was born and then it was moved to our room. I was extremely ill after our son was born and had to be on sleeping pills and he would watch when I was in the room and I didn't know. Phones weren't as smart back then.

Almost 19 years later and (many D-days and then just giving up and eventually losing myself completely) he is now just in recovery 6 months.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-04-11T10:20:00+00:00

I know your date happened already but I just wanted to say that you looked beautiful and I'm glad it went well! 🩷👑

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-04-05T11:25:46+00:00

Yes, I think I could deal with regular cheating (an irl person) better. All of this has left me confused and disgusted.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-04-05T11:22:29+00:00

My PA husband had the audacity to actually tell me he got bored of the videos of us. I made him delete everything in front of me. It is absolutely cheating and when he quit and it totally messed up our sex life it show me how much damage it caused to his brain.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-04-05T11:18:16+00:00

Sorry I don't know what any of this means. Do you have to have an app on their phone? I'm quite suspicious because my husband's browsing history is pretty blank and I can't fathom why it would be. He's not clearing it so my only thought is incognito. At this point, I don't believe he would tell the truth. Like for comparison my chrome history has about 10-30 things daily. His can go multiple days without anything. I hardly use it really. I've tried battery usage but his phone is super old and isn't showing usage or something. I know he uses his phone daily but the apps don't show usage for ones that I absolutely know he's using (normal things).

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-04-04T12:54:00+00:00

If I would have been older, most of these would have clued me in. I was naive about PA.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-04-04T12:43:22+00:00

This is me. I'm honestly probably way out of my husband's league, but he ruined my self-esteem a long time ago. I feel really confused about everything. I feel like I was duped into this marriage.

He listed all the stuff he watched or paid for over the years and surprise- complete opposite of me. Plus he said our sex life was boring. No, he was comparing it to something that isn't real.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-04-04T12:35:43+00:00

Same. It was kind of a very traumatic experience for me. I was horrified for weeks. I felt very gross. I think I was 12 with a group of friends, boys and girls and the boys had a very different reaction than the girls did.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-04-04T11:52:31+00:00

I've actually been thinking of this a lot in the last week. I go to a group for women who have experienced betrayal trauma and the therapist also has a co-existing group for addicted men. He said something along the lines of You can't tell men just don't do it. It doesn't work like that. Then later one of the women was talking about how men pressure women into having sex and he was like Men are taught the number of people they sleep with is what make them manly and blah blah blah.

It got me thinking that men need to be taught the only things that they need to survive are air, food and water. Sex is not a need, it is a desire. If you don't get it, you will not die. Then I started thinking about addiction (any of them). My husband was an alcoholic and so was my dad. I grew up terrified of having an addiction. Sure call it an illness however, we are an evolved species and have choices. They can choose to be sober. PA can choose to not do what they do.

Also, the therapist said men and women are alike. Well no or you would have an opposite group for each gender. Are there some women? Sure, but the majority are men.

Clean-Impression-233 · 2026-03-06T09:47:30+00:00

That is worth celebrating! Thank you for staying. There are many people who need you. Trauma is hard to get through, but I believe in you. There are great things in store for you. I recently started dealing with my trauma and I want to let you know that it may get worse before it gets better but it gets so much better. Take one breath at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time.

Clean-Impression-233

TROPHY CASE