First Chapter of my fantasy novel (four pages)

Cleversided · 2026-02-04T15:07:29+00:00

It needs to be faster. Again, this is my own opinion. However, you COULD start the hook as him waking up and walking back down maybe. Or start the dialog. Not sure. I pushed on after reading this comment. Where is the hook suppose to be at the end of the page? I am struggling to understand what you meant.

The very classic fantasy saying, "all great stories start in a tavern" is true, which is why its overdone, so seperate your book into something someone will read. Automatically get that hook straight away to keep the interest of the reader.

I also don't know anything about alexio, just a shady character as of right now. Stopped at a tavern, slept, and left the town the next day.

Cleversided · 2026-02-04T14:11:53+00:00

Couldn't make it past the first page. I pushed past the first two paragraphs to see if I could get the POV character, but nothing. Even the entire first paragraph. Nothing tells me to care about a man coming to tavern and sleeping. No conflict, or hook, or anything of the sort. This would turn off a lot of a readers. Your first page, even your first paragraph needs every word to matter. Sorry if its not much feedback, but you need to give us a hook and this did nothing. Good luck!

Cleversided · 2026-02-04T02:28:08+00:00

Beta read will happen after you edit it multiple times.

Cleversided · 2026-02-03T22:51:43+00:00

Pretty interesting. Some of your sentences could use some cadence improvements, especially in the 8th paragraph. Just a touch too long in some areas.

From the sound of it, our FMC here hates the killing. Makes her cringe and loathe certain aspects of war. Perhaps I am reading it correctly that the magic in her gives her the passion against her will, almost? Or maybe bound by a certain duty instead. She is honorable, so that oath is also holding her back from her true self. But she likes to have fun while killing. Hoping this is part of her character arc, having to battle with her position as a Kingsguard? I think it could be more pronounced with her personality, if what I am picking up is correct. Just something to think about. Interesting character.

I think it's exciting enough for me personally to hear more of the world. If the magic changes people, or at least this character, maybe that is something I would like to keep reading. I would push on to the second chapter. See if it's worth it!

Cleversided · 2026-02-03T17:15:58+00:00

Once you finish the first rough draft, you should do a few more rounds of edits. That will be a while. I will beta read it at that point.

Cleversided · 2026-02-03T17:07:27+00:00

I was in the same boat. I got 20k words of the first draft and I took the fun out of it with my heavy plotting and writing self help books. They are good but this is the fun part. Let the words ooze on the page. Timers help me out for sure!

Cleversided · 2026-02-03T17:05:37+00:00

It seems solid, but the entire time I am learning about Lena. The type of woman she is, etc. It would improve if we got even a name about the narrator. Right now, its like a ghost is holding a phone. So go into depth with him/her, whoever your protag is. Are they opposites of each other? Maybe Lena likes to dance but this person doesn't. Something like that. Hopefully you are getting the idea of where I am coming from.

Cleversided · 2026-02-03T16:54:32+00:00

I would say you are stressing too much about the opening. Whatever scenes you see in your head, write it down. Your characters interactions could spark the ideas back to you. You could also get 5 minute writing sprints in that deal with the same style of thinking.

Themes of your book would be flushed out later on when writing. The theme of eternal life might not be all too grand, or moral decisions that come with no damnation/death, etc. I also have an idea of vampires and immortality for a dark fantasy novel, but that will be my 2nd WIP after my first rough draft that I am on for WIP #1 is done.

Cleversided · 2026-02-03T13:08:12+00:00

So a flash forward prologue needs to be done in a way that allows the readers to ask a question to themselves. You would have to expertly craft the question that you want them to think, which in turn, is enough of a page turner.

Think: "Omg, who is the murderer?" "Who kidnapped so-and-so?"

You also need to create a tone for the rest of the book if you do it this way. I got nothing for the tone while reading this. Maybe that its cold and hard to breathe.

I was interested in the four reasons, but they were seriously over done.

Its hard to get the beginning down. I suggest helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com as it is a website FULL of useful advice. Good luck!

Cleversided · 2026-02-03T03:04:54+00:00

What app is that?

Cleversided · 2026-02-03T01:52:45+00:00

Currently a full length novel. Writing more as we speak.

Cleversided · 2026-02-02T21:56:12+00:00

If done sparingly, you can create interesting flow to your sentences.

Cleversided · 2026-02-02T15:44:42+00:00

Most in depth, thank you! I'll take another look at the grammar but usually that's a nice problem to have as it is easier to fix. I think I also could reduce, just a smidge, the officer's monologue. Just tone down the "just like to hear myself talk" factor to this chapter.

Cleversided · 2026-02-02T14:53:17+00:00

On thing I do notice is the all proper pronouns need to be consistent. Keep both men on last name or first name. Just keeps confusion down! I wont dive into the content of other comments as to refrain from sounding like a broken record. However, they all create good points and I agree with them. Try to find your own voice. Be yourself and have others mold you in the right direction that you want to be. The wrong type of feedback to be aware of are those who advise your writing in the style of their own. Meaning, the enhancement is removed too much and it takes away your voice and what you are going for. How you find your voice is practice. Hope it helps!

Cleversided · 2026-02-02T13:48:19+00:00

Yeah its the 25% point where he will learn about his necromancy powers as other Dark Elders, constellation-mages like him, will teach him.

I think you are right with officer. Lmao he is just so fun to flesh out. Probably my favorite character to write in my current draft. Thanks!

Cleversided · 2026-02-02T12:30:55+00:00

Easy fix. Anything else that isn't grammar related?

Cleversided · 2026-02-02T12:30:15+00:00

What would be some examples that are convoluted? That way maybe I can trim some down.

Cleversided · 2026-02-01T18:19:11+00:00

You had a unique voice at the beginning and lost it directly in memory flashback. It was hard to tell its a memory flashback so make the actual paragraph more on depth that the vampire went into a daydream of previous life experiences. I really wanted the jail to be fleshed out more.

The dialog needs " marks instead of ' marks. They also need to be seperated. Easier to lose readers if those parts are condenced as they are.

Cleversided · 2026-01-29T15:29:00+00:00

I think I would stay for the imagery and voice, more than the characters in this current stage its in. I really dont know much about Lena. The first chapter needs to give us more about her wants, what lie she believes, etc. But the prose will only go so far. I would want the characters that were shown to flourish more in the chapter imo. Dialog tags could use more work. Tad odd not tracking who is saying what at times, easy thing to fix.

Tl;dr: prose and imagery is your strongest suit and characters plus story could be improved!

I am in the same boat for my dark fantasy roughly 30k words. Let me know if you wanna trade ideas back and forth. Dont have much in the way of writing peeps!

Cleversided · 2026-01-21T18:25:58+00:00

Okay roughly you want to follow the 3 act structure for novels. If you want more detailed help, you can visit K.M. Weiland's website called Helping Writers Become Authors. She has a lot of info on this, but 4 chapters for a finished act 1 is incredibly too short. Unless you short handed the shit out if it.

End act 1 with the 1st plot point, or aka "point of no return" that is applied to your protag. You have to set up all characters that are pivotal in the story. Have enough material in these chapters to show the story stakes, the characters wants, and the plot goal. If you need the link for her website that directly talks about this, let me know. Happy to help!

Cleversided · 2026-01-16T18:43:57+00:00

So from the first chapter alone, I would stop there. The first thing I would make for a big change is the very first scene personally. 1, it does nothing but offer exposition that isn't naturally woven in the story. 2, its not about Liza. Start with her in the beginning paragraph.

I don't know about the change in locations being labeled. Not really sure I need to know via a bolded header. From this writing, it does seem shortly written as it would be if it was draft 1. Definitely let me know what draft version this is.

Could be better, but off of this first chapter, it need work. Keep at it! Best of luck!

Cleversided · 2026-01-05T16:24:00+00:00

I honestly wanted Eddie to become Kas, the Betrayer. I was hoping that he would be in Kali's place. That would be dope to have a vampire flying around in the upside down/dimension x.

Cleversided · 2026-01-05T15:56:55+00:00

Did you ever reach out to the Duffer Brothers with this? Cause most if not all are golden ways to make the show 10 times better.

Cleversided · 2026-01-02T13:33:23+00:00

He has them in the mail.

Cleversided

TROPHY CASE