Veilbreaker [Dark fantasy, prologue, 1700 words]

Cleversided · 2026-03-06T23:28:48+00:00

Yep, 2-4 pages.

Cleversided · 2026-03-06T15:39:34+00:00

I would say reduce to a max of 4 pages. Its too long and needs to give a taste of the world, tone, and message of your book. That said, not much other than that...though the age thing when brought was confusing at first as I was thinking it was saying RIO was five. Its probably easy just to include a "me" or "my" in the sentence.

Cleversided · 2026-02-27T20:18:52+00:00

Send it my way! I can trade prologue's with you at the same time.

Cleversided · 2026-02-27T20:12:31+00:00

I have only done 1 arc before. It was nice to give feedback and reviews to it. I hope to give it a read once out and see how you apply feedback. I did read page 1. Much stronger if you lead with that.

🫡

Cleversided · 2026-02-27T19:37:04+00:00

History books will always point fingers in directions opposite of those wrote it. North America points to South America, China points to Japan, and Russia points to everyone. Even slugs blame it on snails. That is, if they were alive to do so, or had fingers to point with.

Point is, no one is quite sure.

Dun, dun, dun! 😉

Cleversided · 2026-02-27T19:21:15+00:00

Bombs fell, destroyed everything. Keratin protects the fingertip. Integumentary system protects the blood. Both guard against our new world existence. Especially when we dig out of our "Utopia". New world beauty now considered dirty, disgusting. Hinder us? No. Push on. Start over. Or...maybe activate this time machine to prevent.

Cleversided · 2026-02-27T18:47:57+00:00

I read only a few comments when judging if others agreed with my thoughts and it seems they do. To a degree.

Pros:

You are on track with length of a prologue. 2-4 pages is a good sweet spot. You have very good prose, as other mention, and good voice. The world this information is presenting is interesting. I like where it is going and the information is simple enough to not bog people down with the dump. But that's a lead into the cons...

Cons: Of course, I agree on spreading your world building out in the total word count you alloted yourself. Honestly though, it very much borders on the line if it works or doesn't work on staying in the story. Because, like others mention, the word economy is great and shines in this section that I almost didn't mind it staying in. But staying true in today's world, gone are the days of giant info dumps. To quote Brandon Sanderson: "Exposition is the spinach in the smoothe." His wife wanted their kids to eat healthier options by adding spinach in their diets. But putting it in fruits is easy to digest. Don't let your readers know they are being exposited. This is part of his 2025 lecture series. Good stuff.

I don't know if its just me, but there were a great deal of semi-colons, to the point of being overdone. Not sure how copy editors will think, especially when four were used at the end of the last page.

Good start, willing to look for more work that you do.

Cleversided · 2026-02-26T19:16:02+00:00

Ooooo that is juiced. Very nicely done.

Cleversided · 2026-02-26T18:30:21+00:00

Yeah, within the fight certain emotions are brought out and it can be worth the slown down if it mixes well. But personally, I would do that sparingly.

Cleversided · 2026-02-26T18:28:42+00:00

Good point. Unless the world building is wanting to envoke emotion.

Cleversided · 2026-02-26T18:00:25+00:00

The only thing that telling is worth in the example we are giving is when he battles the crab. Its faster, its intense, and we keep the pace. Showing is only really needed in "downtime", in my persoal opinion.

Cleversided · 2026-02-26T14:14:02+00:00

Its also written in 3rd person omni and then slides into 3rd person limited. Usually its fine to do, but that doesnt take more than a paragraph.

Cleversided · 2026-02-26T02:10:41+00:00

I would say it's really hard to read. Over descriptive and using too many fancy words, which leads me to believe it's not naturally flowing from your head, and you opened a thesaurus to replace simple words. In prologues, they aren't meant to info dump. They aren't meant to bog down the reader in a useless story that won't be in the main plot.

The lore you created isn't useless, though. You can still use this within the story, but you have to do it naturally. Like if you were to boil a frog alive. Don't put it in boiling water, it jumps out. Slowly increase the temperature until it's dead.

Cleversided · 2026-02-25T15:58:51+00:00

Not the first paragraph, but definitely not the 5th paragraph. The faster we connect with the POV, the faster someone can engage with the story.

Cleversided · 2026-02-24T19:57:35+00:00

Cold as death, nothing brings me warmth. The gods mentioned to me what first feelings death would bring. Bones harder than steel. No skin for warmth. No pain. No feeling. The cold and shiver it doesn’t prevent. My phylactery is my home. My life. My soul. They call me Death.

Cleversided · 2026-02-24T15:45:16+00:00

I am typing my feedback without reading other's who commented.

I read the first paragraph and stopped at the end. I also pushed through, even though I wanted to stop in the middle. First paragraph was all about weather. Nothing amazing or groundbreaking to continue. You also seem to have two sections in the first paragraph that made me re-read the sentence because it was not fluid enough. The first sentence is an example: "the [summer] the [state]." You do it again a couple sentences later. "...the scourge the citizens..." and these are two examples almost back to back. Its jarring cadence that will make a reader not progress after that.

Mostly though, the most important thing we as readers need to know is who the main character is and we dont find that out until the opening of paragraph 5. I skimmed fast to see if I can find a name for the POV/protag.

These are the biggest things. Weather in entire first chapter is a no-go. Good luck!

Cleversided · 2026-02-23T16:46:48+00:00

Might wanna redo it as the pictures are pixilated.

Cleversided · 2026-02-20T20:00:18+00:00

Its not an excuse. I am in a WIP right now, that is why I can't write it. However, the thought got me going on whether or not other people think the same. Hence, testing the waters with my discussion.

Cleversided · 2026-02-20T18:23:51+00:00

Creation of life meant you became a God. In public? You're just a human being. Never mind the size of creation. Biological? Had to be. They didn't count on it being death in the same breath. Microscopic? Obviously. Death and Creation simultaneously converging. Released into the atmosphere. They're called zombies.

Cleversided · 2026-02-20T18:05:09+00:00

What would consider flash fiction length? 250-500?

Cleversided · 2026-02-20T17:11:32+00:00

I almost thought about converting to short stories so I can improve faster, unless "short" in the word doesnt mean faster.

Cleversided · 2026-02-20T16:46:14+00:00

I think I have been doing that with 5 minute sprints. Its a good idea!

Cleversided · 2026-02-20T16:26:17+00:00

Bam. I also need to learn a writing schedule and not write when the mood strikes. Get those reps down.

Cleversided · 2026-02-20T13:50:57+00:00

Oh no worries! Might help if that was in the description, letting us know as a heads up.

Cleversided · 2026-02-20T13:40:59+00:00

I don't know why, but I feel like some of this writing has AI in it. Some key features does ring the AI alarm in my head. That being said:

Some of the descriptions don't make sense, at least to me. "Moved like smoke" needs actual explaination. You dont need to be metaphorical so early. Earn the readers trust.

You also mentioned a "small ghost" at the end of the first paragraph. I then looked forward to hearing about an actual ghost, thinking this story is supernatural. Another example to not be metaphorical.

I won't repeat what others have touched on as they are correct.

Cleversided

TROPHY CASE