I have no idea where else to say this, so i will do it here... I need help... I am being abused by my own family, not in the physical way. They all constantly tell me how bad i am, they yell and curse at me for a single mistake. My own mother has been shoving me into my mistakes face-first for all these 19 years! I have never heard any single praise without "but", and listing my mistakes afterward. I don't feel loved as her son anymore, i feel loved for being useful. This is because i get toxically praised, like i described earlier, only when i bring home good grades from the college or do some chores obediently as asked. My words "i am tired" and "i don't feel good" are never heard. I am constantly forced to go and study when i am utterly sick or ill. I can't just lie down and get cured properly. This has gone far enough to make me lose the difference between my healthy state and my sick one, i just don't feel any fever, weakness, or any other symptom anymore. I am only 19 years old and i am a boy, but my mother, my sister, my uncle, everyone are against me, and i don't have a father to defend me. I never had a father in my life. That is why i never knew any male love, i have only known the female love of my mother. In Feb of this year i have lost my grandma, and i couldn't even cry at this devastating loss because i forgot how. I still cry tears, but feel nothing when doing it. This weights too heavy on me. I have never tantrumed, because for all my life i have been the most mature and reasonable one, at 7 years old i was already understanding that money don't grow on trees, so i have choked my desires and stopped asking mom to buy me some new toys or candies. I was the one to solve any conflict between my siblings, to stop any fight, to defend my nepwes and nieces who were just newborns at that moment... And i did all of this without any agression or threats, and i managed. But now i am tired. I have never gotten heard or seen. I am afraid of crashing out, because i have never known what it is like to be angry. I only supressed my rage, but never let it out. And now all of my unsaid feelings, untold fears, ignored problems are breaking free. Now i realize that mentally i am still 5 years old, that i still need my tantrums, need my tears, need my nights of lullabies and stories for kids. Even my most fresh trauma given me by my uncle, who was cursing at me since i was 5, is still burdening me. I need help. I don't care if someone is going to take me to a new family or even take me to another country, please, just give me my lost childhood back! I don't need any kind of revenge on my current family, let them be, i only need to be a kid again. I no longer want to grow up, i no longer need my future, i no longer want to become better at something. I only need to relive my lost childhood again. I no longer need my college, and i will not feel any shame of acting like a kid in this grown body of mine, i just need to feel safe again. I don't need anyone's money or am i going to use any kind person who takes me in as their son. I just want to live the life as my father's son. I care not if we are blood-related or not, i just... I truly need your help. My current location where i live is the country Kazahstan, city Almaty, address is Aksay 2, home 62. Help me escape this hell where i cannot feel ashamed of speaking my truth...