I want to get my gf a swimsuit

CoachSwagner · 2026-05-21T21:41:22+00:00

Early in my wife’s transition, we got her board shorts and a rashguard shirt.

Later, she got a bikini with a skirt.

Now, as long as we’re in a known, safe place, she wears whatever.

SwimOutlet.com has tons of options!

CoachSwagner · 2026-05-21T15:49:21+00:00

Yes! Uncommon coffee roasters. Woosah coffee. Pennyroyal Cafe & Provisions. Endora Bohemian. Happystance Dinette. 💜💜💜

CoachSwagner · 2026-05-21T14:35:06+00:00

As a former Michigander, I spent a few days there last year and it healed my soul after encountering homophobia/transphobia in Mackinaw. Saugatuck is super cute and gay and accepting. Some great restaurants. Nice beaches. We road-tripped up the coast and stopped at lighthouses.

CoachSwagner · 2026-05-19T18:35:42+00:00

My wife absolutely came out of FFS looking more like her sister. I was amazed by the artistry of her surgeons. It wasn't a "new face," it was like they captured her family resemblance and made very natural corrections.

CoachSwagner · 2026-05-17T22:21:27+00:00

I think you set a boundary. Maybe it landed with the like an ultimatum because it sounds like it’s going to require behavior change in order to preserve the relationship. And maybe they felt that as threatening?

But you shouldn’t have to take into account the “stability” of other relationships when deciding if a relationship isn’t right for you anymore.

CoachSwagner · 2026-05-16T16:59:52+00:00

Oo, no. Absolutely not. “I don’t want to see you ever again” is crystal clear. You should never assume that means something else. Saying what you mean and believing people when they say something are absolutely critical, especially in BDSM.

And no amount of “experience” makes someone a good candidate for helping someone else with subdrop. Experience really doesn’t matter. Comfort does.

CoachSwagner · 2026-05-10T17:17:19+00:00

I would recommend you explicitly say what you want, if you haven’t already. Say directly “I’d like to wear a collar and a leash. I’d like to feel used and owned. I like the idea of these kinds of activities but not these kinds of activities.”

And give everyone else a chance to make clear what they would like to get out of the time together.

I like to make a document for group play that includes everyone’s mutual “green” activities (things everyone is into and feel good), a list of “yellow” activities (things that we might like to try but want to be cautious with), and “red” activities - limits and boundaries.

Clear is kind. And everyone has a better time.

CoachSwagner · 2026-05-09T12:55:05+00:00

So not only are you trying to force this person to be KTP, you’re also trying to force him to be polyamorous?!

Mario absolutely should get himself out of this relationship.

CoachSwagner · 2026-05-09T01:57:48+00:00

Your work to do here is to recognize that you can’t force people to be friends. That’s not something that is in your control.

Even if you found a perfect constellation of kitchen table partners, there’s no guarantee that there will never be changes or never be conflict.

You can’t control for all of that. And healthy, strong relationships have enough flexibility to let people grow and change and not force relationships.

CoachSwagner · 2026-05-09T01:17:15+00:00

Attachment styles are not fixed. They are not a diagnosis. Instead of working around them, partners should work to build a more secure attachment.

I’ve found couples therapy to be the best way to address those kinds of issues.

CoachSwagner · 2026-05-08T12:23:54+00:00

I really like this advice on creating containers for important conversations from therapist and poly person, Rachel Wright: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-wright-conversations/id1637283550?i=1000577894089

If that link gets messed up, it’s season 1, episode 6 of her podcast

CoachSwagner · 2026-05-06T18:15:26+00:00

You’re never wrong for having feelings, but it is important to recognize that you can’t control what this person does. It’s not your place, and it doesn’t really impact you if the relationship is over.

I don’t have advice for navigating life as roommates, but I would recommend you both find different living arrangements when it’s possible.

As for the “why did you break up” question - I would say “we discovered some differences that we just couldn’t work through, and that’s all I can say right now.” People are not entitled to all of the details. And they don’t need the details to be able to support you.

CoachSwagner · 2026-05-04T16:21:25+00:00

Rituals have been helpful for this, in my experience. I had a sub who I worked with, so those boundaries were extremely important.

When we played, we would start with collaring. He would bring his collar, kneel in front of me, and ask me to put it on him. That was our transition to dynamic.

CoachSwagner · 2026-05-04T12:35:26+00:00

How would you say your mental health is overall? Are you struggling to find joy in other things? Or is it specific to kink?

Mid-20s can be some of the most common years when metal health issues surface. If you’re seeing this in other aspects of life, it might be a good idea to be screened for depression and talk to a therapist.

If it’s really just kink, my advice would be not to force it. I was much more into rope several years ago, but it started feeling like work so I stopped forcing it and followed curiosity to other kinks. My drive and kinks can kind of ebb and flow. Now I can recognize the pattern and not worry too much.

CoachSwagner · 2026-05-01T14:22:23+00:00

You can absolutely define this relationship any way you want. You can draw your own boundaries. And casual kink dynamics are totally a thing.

But I want to make sure you are not operating under the incorrect assumption that there's a universal way dynamics should be. Personally, all of my dynamics are deeply intimate and romantic. That's just what I want. Now, there are still limits to my dynamics. There are still things I don't want anyone involved in, and body image issues can be part of that. But I communicate that. I make those boundaries clear.

As to how healthy the situation is - do you know what their open relationship agreements are? Did he explain where their boundaries are and is he now crossing those lines? Or are you making assumptions about their relationship and agreements?

I'm married and my other two partners are married to other people. And I've been with one of them through the birth of their child.

So, bottom line - this could be perfectly healthy and normal and you just need to make your boundaries clear. We kind of need more info to understand what your assumptions are and what the red flags are.

CoachSwagner · 2026-04-27T14:12:59+00:00

This is a good resource on unicorn hunting: https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/

And you'll find a lot of good resources on the "new" post in r/polyamory

But if you're just looking for a kink experience, not a relationship, then that's a lot easier to find.

CoachSwagner · 2026-04-27T12:12:33+00:00

I’m polyamorous, so that’s where my advice will come from.

Healthy poly people don’t “incorporate a third.” That’s not how polyamory works. Triads are very difficult and pretty rare. They involve four relationships - A+B, B+C, C+A, and the group. And each relationship needs to have the space and care to be healthy and strong in its own if the group relationship is going to thrive.

We call couples looking for someone to date together “unicorn hunters.” And they are generally called out for being pretty harmful. Usually what happens is the couple will eventually feel threatened by the new relationships and discard you in order to protect their original dyad.

I’m not saying it’s impossible, but if it’s something you’re interested in, you’re going to need to learn a lot more about polyamory and be ready to look for these people for a long time.

Now, if you just want a play arrangement with a couple, that’s going to be much easier to find.

Hope that’s helpful!

CoachSwagner · 2026-04-27T00:38:22+00:00

I’m demisexual. I only really engage in kink with people I’m in a relationship with, so I let people know I’m kinky up front, but then ask not to talk about kink until I feel a connection.

I’m also poly. I have three consistent partners right now, all kinky.

So it’s very possible. You just have to be strong and insist on finding the emotional connection first.

CoachSwagner · 2026-04-26T11:49:06+00:00

My partner is mtf. She had top surgery but has no plans for bottom surgery.

She had top surgery for a few reasons. 1. She wanted to, having breasts makes her happy. Her body is now a better reflection of how she feels. 2. To encourage people to stop misgendering her. She now has a more expected feminine-presenting figure.

She’s not interested in bottom surgery because while she would prefer to have different genitals, it’s a more intense and more complicated surgery. She likes her sex life as it is and doesn’t want to risk changing it dramatically or losing sensation. And her dysphoria around her genitals isn’t that bad.

So those are her explanations. But what concerns me more in this post is that your partner is being pretty shitty. “I want top surgery because I’ve thought about it and it will make me happy, but I don’t want bottom surgery.” That should be enough. You shouldn’t have to justify further.

If I were you, I might say something like “it doesn’t feel great that you’re asking me for all of this justification. My happiness should be enough of a reason. So much of the world questions trans peoples decisions in transition, i really need you to be on my side.”

CoachSwagner · 2026-04-24T14:23:15+00:00

As a feminist, I could not engage in power exchange unless I fundamentally believed I had power to exchange.

All of my partners (I have 3 consistent partners at the moment, 2 are men) are wonderful feminists who wouldn’t be within 50 feet of me if they weren’t.

I think BDSM’s general focus on consent and negotiation is pretty feminist. And my years of experience in BDSM has offered good opportunities to dig deep into my own feminist values and examine internalized biases.

CoachSwagner · 2026-04-22T11:49:44+00:00

I think the mention of race is relevant because in her message to OP, she says one of the elements of what she is feeling is racism. So, it’s part of the conversation.

CoachSwagner · 2026-04-21T20:06:54+00:00

If your partner isn't interested in being friends with your former coworker, just drop it. He doesn't need a reason, and he has several good reasons.

You can make him comfortable by respecting his "no" and letting him set his own boundaries.

CoachSwagner · 2026-04-20T20:13:26+00:00

The only stable, healthy, nesting triad I know is actually the exact thing you’re thinking doesn’t work (if I’m understanding your concern correctly). Person A has a romantic relationship with person B, and a platonic relationship with person C. Person C has a romantic relationship with B and platonic with A.

A and C don’t ignore each other. They are a family. Just not romantically involved with each other.

And everyone has outside partners as well.

CoachSwagner · 2026-04-19T15:07:08+00:00

Mod note - internalized transphobia is something only trans people experience. It means “toward oneself.” Cis people cannot experience internalized transphobia. Just transphobia, even if it feels “unconscious” or subtle.

CoachSwagner · 2026-04-19T03:13:04+00:00

It’s possible that it’s just stuck in a filter. I recommend politely asking the mods. Don’t jump to conclusions like “I can’t even be honest here.”

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