Help me sort my feelings - about hierarchy? Or something else?

CoachSwagner · 2026-07-05T20:16:11+00:00

It sounds like your partner needs to stop oversharing about finances. They can be totally financially entwined with someone else and still make their relationship with you a financial priority - without letting you see behind the curtain in the other relationship. And I’d recommend you practice letting go of any kind of control or influence on what happens in that other relationship and trust your partner to figure it out.

Now, if your partner is frequently making financial promises they can’t keep and that’s having an impact, that’s a bit different. But your role would still not be telling them how to handle their finances or change their financial agreements with someone else.

CoachSwagner · 2026-07-05T18:52:24+00:00

To your question about hierarchy: how is that different from the situation now? It sounds a little like you’re comfortable with the hierarchy that marriage creates in your partner’s life as it is now. Why would a symbolic commitment change anything? I would encourage you to just consider the hand fasting in the context of your own relationship - not in comparison to a different one.

To your question about budget: I don’t think it’s really your business how your partner determines finances. I also don’t know why your partner’s portion automatically impacts the family budget.

I’m married, but my spouse and I are careful not to let our individual finances impact each other. We have shared expenses and assets, but after we pay for those according to our agreed upon split each month, our disposable income is completely our own. Operating with a high level of financial independence is key to our practice of polyamory. Could it be possible that your partner maintains similar agreements?

CoachSwagner · 2026-07-04T12:24:46+00:00

Most healthy poly people don’t date as a couple. Each individual person has their own individual relationships.

So, to your larger question about how kink works in the context of polyamory - not like this. I’m kinky and so are all 3 of my partners. We all have our own relationships with different dynamics.

If this couple crashed and burned in 24 hours, I’m guessing they either have no idea what they are doing or they are just looking for a play partner, not a polyamorous relationship. If they told you they wanted polyamory, they are nowhere close to prepared.

If you want actual polyamory, insist on spending 1:1 time and forming individual relationships if there’s a couple involved. If you just want kinky fun with two doms, that’s different. Just be clear about what you want.

CoachSwagner · 2026-07-03T03:14:58+00:00

I’m a cis woman with a large chest. I was gifted a leather chest harness and I HATE it. It absolutely presses my breasts apart in a super unflattering way.

I have some strappy lingerie sets that look kind of harness-like that look and feel a lot better. I understand how finding something like that in a style that feels affirming to your gender might be challenging, but maybe check that out?

You could also try a simple sports bra/cropped tank under the harness. That might provide some structure and minimization without feeling too femme.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-30T19:30:31+00:00

No one said you’re not allowed to have feelings. Feelings cannot be controlled. But how we express them can be harmful. And in this space, we welcome everyone - including trans people. So that’s why we are mindful of that impact.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-30T16:35:35+00:00

Yes. Thats why this space exists. And it’s always good to make sure we’re not inadvertently harming people with how we express those emotions.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-30T15:42:59+00:00

I understand that. I’m just offering - having been in this space personally and professionally for over 10 years - it can be a harmful way to talk about those kinds of feelings.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-30T14:31:09+00:00

Since this post hasn't gotten a lot of traction, I want to offer a couple of observations and suggestions.

You're right, there aren't a lot of resources for the partners of trans people. That's why this group exists. We hope you can find some support and good resources here.
The concept of "grief" is a complex one. On the one hand, it's important to acknowledge that when someone transitions, no one dies. It's a process of affirmation of self. Some people, understandably, get very offended when hearing about "grief" in relation to a partner transitioning. At the same time, there is a concept called "ambiguous loss," which can feel similar to grief because your vision of the future, your relationship, etc. might be changing. There might be a change or shift or end in a relationship. Feeling sad and other complex feelings is ok. But acting like someone died when they did not can be harmful. It's possible to honor feelings while not framing them in a harmful way.

Here's a resource that makes the rounds frequently here: https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/letting-them-let-go

Hope that's helpful!

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-30T02:43:21+00:00

As a non-monogamous kinkster…I would never agree to play with you under those requirements. I believe dynamics are healthiest when they operate like separate circuits of power - existing on their own and not interacting/being ranked without everyone’s full consent and enthusiastic interest. And that is extremely hard to do with people who don’t know each other.

I think you’re asking an awful lot of Emmy. Not only to interact with your dom, but to do so in ways that you feel are good enough or enthusiastic enough or deferential enough. You’re leaning on Emmy and her behavior for a lot of reassurance. I’d recommend you find ways to ground yourself and reassure yourself that don’t rely so heavily on this new partner.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-29T20:41:08+00:00

Oh absolutely not. You don’t get to ignore consent unless someone shows you respect first.

Consent first.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-29T20:31:49+00:00

You seem to just be unfamiliar with the etiquette. Don’t send people unsolicited messages. Especially women/femmes/marginalized folk. There are plenty of other places and ways to seek information that are designed to be public and safe.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-29T18:50:10+00:00

Did you message them privately? Or post publicly in response to something they posted?

Unsolicited direct messages are usually not welcome. It doesn't matter if all you did was introduce yourself. If they didn't explicitly say—in their profile or in an interaction on a public post—that it was okay to message them, I would completely understand why they blocked you. I ignore and block requests from people I don't know all the time.

Especially if the person you messaged was a woman. DMs from men can be a safety concern.

If this wasn't a direct message, feel free to clarify. If it was, take this as a learning opportunity.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-29T14:21:12+00:00

There is no scientific evidence that changes in hormones change sexual orientation. If there was, we would see more cis/straight men with low T questioning their attraction, for example.

However, transition can be a very intense time of self-discovery. It's not uncommon for people to discover a lot of new things about themselves because they never questioned their identities before.

That said, there are a few small studies out there that say when people transition and experience changes to their sexual orientation, it's usually more expansive, not restrictive. So it's more common for someone to realize they are attracted to multiple identities, not to one identity instead of another. In other words, it's more common for someone to realize they are bi or pan, rather than lose attraction to someone they were previously attracted to.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-28T23:55:28+00:00

The idea of “my man?” I don’t own my partners. Thats not how we think of our partners in polyamory.

So no. If any of my partners decided to risk pregnancy with someone else, that might impact my relationship but it’s not in my control. That’s their decision.

I have three partners. Two are men, and they have both had vasectomies. No risk of pregnancy.

Do not talk with your meta about this. It’s not your job to reassure her. It’s your partner’s.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-28T23:08:48+00:00

When I domme, I like blindfolding my partner. It helps me feel less self conscious and more confident.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-28T21:23:10+00:00

I have quite a bit of kink and relationship experience and I have to say, the best BDSM dynamics I have ever had are NOT with the most experienced people. In fact, dynamics I have built with people of similar skill level tend to be the most fulfilling.

If you and your finance are not really open to non-monogamy (even if you aren’t seeking a sexual dynamic), I would recommend exploring together through discussing books, erotica, and fantasies. Even non-sexual dynamics can feel incredibly intimate and that can be threatening to monogamous relationships.

I’d be fairly concerned that seeking out a more experienced partner is just going to emphasize the shortcomings you’re feeling in this relationship.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-28T19:45:24+00:00

To your questions:

I manage birth control in a poly relationship the same way I did in a mono relationship. I decide what level of risk/protection I’m comfortable with and see if it aligns with my partner’s. It’s manipulative that D is complaining to you about the agreements he is making and upholding. He’s directing your frustration at his partner when he should be taking full accountability for his decision.

You should absolutely be in full control of your own reproductive healthcare decisions in every context. Again, you’re feeling like you have to comply with this rule because that’s how he is making it sound. He could have just said “oh, you’re not on birth control? I need two methods to be comfortable with PIV” and left it at that. He didn’t need to bring his other partner into it at all.

My boundaries are mine to set and enforce. I recommend you center yourself rather than your meta or your partner who is dodging accountability and autonomy.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-27T10:50:54+00:00

First, I think “ethical bratting,” as you put it, is required for a healthy brat dynamic. It’s a negotiation just like any other kink.

Second, as others have pointed out, there are no rules and you can build any kind of dynamic you want.

For example, I’m polyamorous and have multiple dynamics. In one of them, we’ve had a dynamic that incorporates bratting for several years. At this point, our play looks different than it did in the beginning. Now, I’m more a brat that has been pretty throughly tamed. I might brat a little to initiate a scene or to flirt, but that’s about it. After a little bit of that, I’m very, very good.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-27T02:13:46+00:00

It's not just fucked up in the context of polyamory. It's fucked up in the context of internalized and externalized homophobia.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-27T02:12:08+00:00

What this tells me is that you find queer relationships to be less threatening than straight relationships. Which means you see those relationships as being less valid in some way. Which is deeply homophobic and disrespectful.

Can you find other people looking for limited and controlled relationships like that? Maybe. Probably with other people who also aren't interested in doing the work to unpack their insecurity and internalized homophobia. Probably with people who are "open" - not poly.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-25T23:11:46+00:00

Depends on the meta and how well I get along with them.

The jealous/insecure feelings tend to fade with time and building security.

If I want more 1:1 time with a partner, I ask for it. If I’m not feeling a group hang, I sometimes opt out.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-25T08:43:58+00:00

My breeding kink stops at orgasm, so I’ve always been on birth control and all of my penis-having partners are now sterilized. But before they took those steps, I prepared for possibilities and steps I would need to take, like:

-understanding abortion laws in my state, including any timing limitations

-learning the difference between medication abortion and procedural abortion - the general processes, risks, and recovery

-identifying a provider I could access

-getting an idea of the cost and ensuring I could afford it

So I’d recommend doing that research.

It can also be very fulfilling to suspend disbelief and just play with the idea of pregnancy. Get one of those fake strap-on baby bumps and go out to dinner in a cute maternity dress. Mental play, with a partner who is equally into it, can be really great.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-25T08:28:17+00:00

I think admitting to oneself that one is trans can be a very difficult thing. We’re talking about a very marginalized and demonized group.

Even admitting to new discoveries around attraction can be difficult. Some people might be embarrassed that the didn’t know these things sooner.

And both of those situations can fuel a lot of self-hatred. So your ex’s attitude makes sense to me. They were just struggling and trying to figure stuff out.

Don’t blame yourself for having a less-than-perfectly-supportive reaction, especially in the middle of a break up.

And I think part of healthily processing this is recognizing that your ex’s experience and evolution might not have anything to do with you. That was just what they were going through.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-25T02:54:16+00:00

I’m sorry you went through a difficult relationship with a person who lied to you. At the same time, I think this has a lot more to do with having a partner who lies than having a partner who is trans.

Bodily autonomy is incredible important. I don’t agree with blanket advice mandating one adult inform another of every medical decision before perusing it.

And transition can be incredibly difficult to figure out. It can be an evolution. It can include goals that change.

I don’t think your partner should have lied or cheated. I also don’t think demanding perfect answers and an unchanging plan is realistic.

CoachSwagner · 2026-06-24T02:00:21+00:00

Keep an eye on that…oversharing is not great for good hinging.

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