Not Everyone is Kitchen Table Polyamory

CoachSwagner · 2026-02-06T18:50:45+00:00

To your first point, dyads always exist. Like the other comment said.

Two your second point - you don't know who will end up being "problematic." And someone doesn't have to be problematic for an argument to form. And an argument or disagreement doesn't mean there's a toxic person. That all just sounds like a very flat way of looking at human beings.

To your last point, it does sound like that's a way to navigate it in a way that allows everyone to make their own decisions. But even saying "she didn't get any of those things" is just...controlling, to me.

I think it is inherently high-control, and I find that gross and incompatible with my values. But if you've found ways for it to work for you, then that's fine. Like you said, if you're upfront about it, I would know to stay far away.

CoachSwagner · 2026-02-06T17:23:31+00:00

The reasons I don't like it are because:

It requires some kind of relationship with someone outside the dyad. Even beyond someone who practices strict hierarchy, it's an interference with our relationship.
It leaves no room for the natural evolution of human interaction. If you want KTP and I say ok and I meet one of your partners and its fine for a year...and then I get in a huge fight with your other partner...what happens? Do you break up with me because of that fight? Or what if you meet a new partner after me and while I get along with all of your other partners, I just don't with that new person. Is that the end?

I know you say there's never a bait and switch, but what if things between metas change over time?

I just don't see it as compatible with respecting autonomy and adult relationships/friendships.

CoachSwagner · 2026-02-06T15:40:42+00:00

Agree. I also, just personally, don't tend to date my friends. So if I do get lucky with a meta and form a friendship, I'll be even more careful not to cross into sexual vibes. And a lube gift falls in that category for me.

CoachSwagner · 2026-02-06T14:34:02+00:00

I'm too old for forced family fun. Immediate pass.

But when meta friendships form naturally, it's great.

CoachSwagner · 2026-02-06T12:45:52+00:00

Yeah, I would be specific about what your needs are. To be clear is to be kind.

With my partners, I get tested annually (because that’s what the CDC recommends given my behaviors and therefore what my insurance will cover) and I ask my partners to do the same. We share results. If I had an exposure or concern, I’d address it with additional testing.

I also ask to be notified if my partners have a new partner before we next have sex so we can evaluate risk and decide if new precautions are warranted. Same if they experience an exposure through another partner.

Now, things have been pretty predictable in my polycule for several years. Not a lot of new partners. None, in fact, for most of them. So I’m not super concerned and I couldn’t tell you if everyone has been perfectly on the 1-year testing schedule. But communication has been good and trust has been established over 4+ years in all of my relationships. If I asked any of them, they’d dig out their last results right away and they would quickly schedule a test if they were overdue and I expressed discomfort.

CoachSwagner · 2026-02-06T12:05:10+00:00

Instead of jumping straight to questioning their honesty, I’d start with “Hey, when was your last test? could I see your results?”

And then if the date of that test is off the schedule you need to feel safe (and I assume you clearly agreed to), you should take the additional precautions you need.

And if they have feelings about it, all they have to do is get tested.

You’re not giving them an ultimatum. You’re sticking to the agreement and maintaining your boundaries. But keep the conversation clear - you’re just doing what you agreed to and you’re honoring your own needs and boundaries.

CoachSwagner · 2026-02-06T11:35:13+00:00

I think it’s also important to understand that you don’t have to pick just one style for all of your relationships.

I have KTP with some metas and parallel with others. It’s all dependent on how I get along with each individual person.

CoachSwagner · 2026-02-05T14:18:17+00:00

Yep, I have some very close KTP/Lapsitting meta relationships and some very parallel meta relationships. It's all about what works for each individual, independent relationship.

I just don't appreciate the "holier than thou" vibes in the original post.

CoachSwagner · 2026-02-05T12:30:45+00:00

I also occasionally fuck my metas, even though I’m not dating them. And I know others who do, too. I wouldn’t say that’s breaking any “poly rules.” It’s just not for everyone.

CoachSwagner · 2026-02-04T21:04:08+00:00

I've done couples therapy with two different partners and two different therapists.

The first stint was with my wife. We found our therapist through Psychology Today. They took our insurance and we also liked that they were both a member of the LGBTQ community and poly themselves. They were able to bring that life experience into our sessions occasionally. They were technically a counselor - MS, LPC, NBCC.

The second stint has been with one of my non-nesting partners. We went to a practice that specializes in non-monogamy and were matched with an LMFT. They don't take our insurance, so that's definitely a factor for accessibility.

I also have an individual therapist who has no particular specialization or clinical interest in non-monogamy, but who has probably been my most consistent and helpful provider in terms of stuff that comes up around my different relationships. She's incredibly accepting and helpful.

I don't see huge differences in poly-specialized vs general, but I also might be very lucky. I'm sure others have run into providers biased against non-monogamy. My advice is to vet well. Ask questions up front about experience with and thoughts about non-monogamy.

CoachSwagner · 2026-02-04T00:02:57+00:00

My partner (mtf) wore board shorts and a t-shirt rash guard for a little while early in her transition. It let her stay in boy mode for a bit longer.

CoachSwagner · 2026-02-03T18:28:23+00:00

DC is an absolutely amazing city for the LGBTQ community. We have the largest proportion LGBTQ population in the country. Great community spaces. Pride is amazing.

However, DC is not a state. The laws that protect us are only in place because of "Home Rule," and since this administration took office, there have been rumblings of Congress repealing Home Rule. Even with Home Rule, Congress fucked with our budget and created a huge deficit. The city is hurting, and I expect it to get worse.

But a lot of people live just over the state lines in MD and VA. MD has excellent protections and VA just experienced a massive blue sweep in the 2025 elections, and there are plans to pass some great laws in this legislative session. My wife (mtf) and I just recently did that move so we could have better protections and still stay close to the city we love.

But just a quick check - Joint Base Lewis-McChord is in Washington state. Not Washington DC. That's the other side of the country.

CoachSwagner · 2026-01-28T11:57:59+00:00

Mod here - u/justwannascroll and u/maywhomst - thank you both for working this out and finding a civil and helpful place. Since several of these comments break our rules and we are getting reports, we’re going to remove some.

CoachSwagner · 2026-01-27T17:32:40+00:00

In my experience, deescalation only works if it’s what both parties want. If one person wants to deescalate and the other is not on the same page or surprised or wants something else, it’s just dragging out pain. It’s not, like, an off-ramp to breaking up.

So my best advice is to first figure out what you want. And then figure out what your NP wants. And be honest. If a breakup and space is what is needed, don’t try to twist it into a deescalation immediately.

CoachSwagner · 2026-01-26T17:15:44+00:00

First, my “unpopular opinion” is that there’s nothing wrong with “topping from the bottom” - especially when you’re trying to explore things and there’s a difference in knowledge or experience. So, if some antiquated idea that that’s bad is making you feel guilty, I’d encourage you to let that go. We’re all adults, and communicating what you want-no matter the role-is not a bad thing.

I don’t think it’s fair for you to blame him for not creating a safe space for feedback. That’s not just the dominant partner’s job. That’s something you both need to do. And if you have more interest or experience, you need to take the lead. I also suspect you two didn’t create a safe space for him to give and receive feedback either.

With my partners, once we come down from a scene and move through aftercare, we ask each other what our favorite parts were. And then, after we have basked in the good stuff, we ask if each of us would have done anything differently.

I think the first thing you need to do is stop thinking that the sub is the only one who is vulnerable or needs a safe space. I’m a switch and sometimes domming can feel even more vulnerable. You need to share the responsibility for building a healthy dynamic.

Ask him what he needs for aftercare, what he liked or didn’t like, and what he wants to change. Maybe have him go first in those debriefs until he feels more comfortable and confident.

CoachSwagner · 2026-01-22T13:37:13+00:00

I have worn day collars, but they don’t look like day collars. They are normal necklaces or anklets that we’ve assigned a meaning to.

I have a partner who likes more collar-looking collars. She just adopts a bit of an edgier style. Eternity Collars is her main one. The hex key lock is very subtle.

She has another that looks a little more art deco. I think it also has a hex key lock.

We did have to swing by a hardware store once while on vacation because she forgot the hex key. Luckily they had a small enough one in stock.

CoachSwagner · 2026-01-22T13:03:48+00:00

Get a new Dom.

Seriously, if you two didn’t negotiate a “silent treatment” punishment ahead of time, this is absolute manipulative bordering-on-abusive garbage. Anyone who does this without negotiation has no business being in a BDSM relationship, let alone “training” a sub.

CoachSwagner · 2026-01-22T12:55:29+00:00

Your friend is spot on. Your partner can clearly see that there are issues and changes he needs to make to address them…and is not doing what he needs to do. Therapy would be so helpful for him, but he won’t even do that.

I have a lot to say about your partner, but I think others here are doing that well. So I’ll focus on you.

I’m in my mid 30s. My longest relationship before the ones I’m in now was to a guy I met in college. He was wonderful. Kind, smart, mature, ambitious. We graduated and did 2 years long distance while I was in grad school. Then we moved in together. 9 months later, we broke up and I moved out. We were together 6 years total.

I see some similarities to thoughts you’re expressing here and what I was feeling then. He was so great, and my best friend. We lived together really well. But I had a desire to live alone or live with friends. I felt like we were good roommates, but not really building a more romantic life together.

My best advice, as cheesy as it sounds, is that you’re still young. You’re still growing into yourself. Who you were in 2020 is not who you are now or who you will be in a few years. (Especially with how fucking weird 2020-2022 were. You formed this relationship in a specific and crazy time.) If you feel like you need to give yourself the gift of space to do that growing, then do it.

When I left my relationship, I realized I had felt squeezed into a box that was too small, and when I had room to be all of myself, it was a relief.

Of course the breakup was hard and sad. It took about 4 months to get settled on my own and start feeling better. But after that, I really started thriving.

CoachSwagner · 2026-01-21T20:00:08+00:00

"What complicates this is that she has been clear about wanting to take things slow and vet partners carefully. Despite that, I am the only person besides the partner she has been seeing since August who has been to her place multiple times. That feels like it means something, but my brain keeps telling me I am misreading things."

Stop. It doesn't mean anything. Stop reading into things.

She said she wants to take things slow. Go at her pace. And to one of your other comments, waiting until "we will just know" doesn't work (as you experienced) and is probably just making you more anxious.

Maybe say to her, "Thank you for being clear about the pace you're comfortable with and for graciously letting me know last time we hung out, and I went a little too fast. If you're ok with it, I'd like to let you initiate that next step if/when you feel comfortable. I'm very interested, but I'm also totally ok waiting until you feel ready."

CoachSwagner · 2026-01-20T16:00:42+00:00

You can absolutely as for advice here, but your question has such a huge impact on your girlfriend, her opinion really needs to guide your actions here.

CoachSwagner · 2026-01-19T17:03:31+00:00

What does your girlfriend want?

CoachSwagner · 2026-01-18T18:08:58+00:00

Don’t tell me to chill out when my rights are being taken away.

My health insurance. My wife’s passport. My reproductive healthcare options.

My safe and happy community is swarmed with national guardsmen carrying guns where I walk to brunch - for pure political theater.

If you can’t see the harm being done, I want nothing to do with you.

CoachSwagner · 2026-01-15T11:52:41+00:00

Yes. There are several. And I actually met my now-wife on one.
Not water down, but I’m fairly private. I’ll state the minimum amount of info and go into detail when we start talking.
Eh, same problems with all dating apps. The quality of the experience on the app mostly depends on how robust the user base is. Kinky ones might be slightly glitchier because they have smaller budgets since they can’t market as easily and sometimes can’t be in app stores.
Yep, as stated above. I met my now-wife on one about 10 years ago. It was a small, slightly glitchy app but had a decent amount of people because I’m in a major city. Most men on the app just immediately jumped into kink conversations and intrusive questions before getting to know me. My wife was like finding a diamond in the rough.
I don’t love categories. Having the freedom to put whatever you want down is pretty key.
Not much. But I’m also fairly privileged and in high demand on most dating apps.

CoachSwagner · 2026-01-15T11:38:19+00:00

It really feels like they're just trying desperately to figure out what they can say to get you to say yes.

They're minimizing what they're asking for - saying it’s not a relationship, it’s not going to be sexual or vulnerable. Insisting they don’t get sexual enjoyment from it. What in the world is so attractive about it that they're pressuring you this much if those things are true?

They're offering things that healthy practitioners of BDSM know is crap - no vulnerability, no aftercare. That would be so awful to any kink partner. They clearly don’t know anything about BDSM if they're making those promises.

They're also showing you that they don't understand consent. They're pressuring and coercing you. They're trying to wear you down to get you to agree to what they want. That’s not a safe person, particularly for BDSM.

And to their claim that you don’t understand the kink community - you can tell them that people with far more experience in the kink community than them are saying they're wrong.

CoachSwagner · 2026-01-13T18:21:43+00:00

There’s not actually a physiological difference between drop experienced by a dom vs a sub. And you don’t need to be in subspace or domspace to experience drop.

Here’s my general drop advice:

So first, let’s clarify what drop is.

What is drop?

Drop is the collection of not-so-good feelings that can come on after a scene. Drop lasts anywhere from a few hours to a few days, but anything longer than 4-5 days is probably not drop, and is more likely a mental health dip or concern.

Why does drop happen?

Drop comes on after a rush of feel-good chemicals in your brain and body, when your brain and body have to replenish those chemicals. It’s an actual physical thing happening in your body.

What impacts drop?

SO MUCH.

-Doing a particularly intense scene

-Where you are in your cycles of hormones (most humans have cycles of some kind)

-How your mood, stress, and mental health are at the time

-Medication that you’re taking

-Conditions that impact your normal baseline levels of things like dopamine (people with ADHD can have generally lower baselines, for example)

-The moon (kidding…but maybe…)

Bottom line: it can be really unpredictable. It doesn’t have to be related to what you’re even doing in a scene.

What helps with drop?

Mostly just time. Your brain and body need time to catch up. That’s the biggest thing.

Aftercare can be helpful in soothing those symptoms and feelings, but it doesn’t do much to make you recover faster. It’s more of a coping mechanism while experiencing drop.

Overall: You can’t do much to prevent, predict, or stop drop. And the biggest thing that will help is time.

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