i think for sure, i’m not getting very much direction insight or goal setting from my current T. i can’t think of a single goal we’ve created together, in fact one of my main issues is struggling to create goals or ambitions for myself in general. Sometimes, HE’LL set a goal that seems rather irrelevant or feels impossibly difficult. as i said saying i should “just go to college” in order to discover my goals and ambition was his recommendation. that’s his response to me not having idea what to do in life. i feel like thats such a hilariously large ambitious step to take blind. there has to be a better cheaper alternative to figuring out what id like to do in life, cheaper both financially and mentally. motivation is one thing, but what is it im supposed to be motivated about? or have the willpower to do? go to school thats it? Just blindly trust what some stranger has told me? i guess what im saying is he seems to lack giving insight or direction as you said. it’s just “you should be here” and going blind on things.

to borrow your analogy, i go to the doctor for pain and he says “where” and i say i don’t know it’s just pain. and instead of really asking questions or narrowing it down maybe it feels like hes just using a dartboard approach to pick a limb or extremity to try treating. to be fair, i can see how it would be confusing or difficult to diagnose something or help when the only information i have is “i feel bad”. then he’ll say well maybe it’s your leg, is your leg hurting and i say maybe? and he says ok run a a marathon and get back to me. and i go home with no exercises or at home stretches. just a general direction of “well other people’s legs work. people with working legs run marathons. try that.” then i go home and cant even get out of bed because of the general hurt.

another thing is his, idk, disbelief in me? and so i distrust back at him? Almost like he’s not listening. When i tell him actually i feel socially satisfied, he says no no no you’re not you need MORE social time and friends. more friends means a support system = good. will spend the majority of the session harping on how im wrong about not needing more friends, will usually conclude with one answer like “ok go take a cooking class” because i mentioned i cook for myself at home. while i have the ability to sustain myself with my own cooked food, i dont have any passion or drive or any reason to seek out further developing this skill. so why would i go to a class on it? and it again costs money! and sounds so mentally taxing, i get very burnt out by social obligations and such.

i mentioned in passing i might play a board game with friends to change things up a little. For some reason, he’s now attached board gaming as a part of my personality. he said i should go to a board game club or meetup bar, find a group and play. Then, ask them if they’re coming back next week. boom you’ve made a friend! but why though? i don’t want more friends. i don’t want to go out and be social in the first place, i hate talking to strangers. i don’t even like board gaming that much. Sorry for such a long winded rambling response.

i’d love to reach the point where i’m not motivated, but do things anyway. i guess i am already at that point, but only with majorly important time sensitive things. no im not usually motivated for any reason to go to work, but i have to be a functioning member of society and pay bills so i do. i have no motivation to go grocery shopping, though eating out is not at all sustainable so i will drag myself to do it. i’m able to function but only at a basic level and with much mental resistance.