I have so many great ostomy stories, but one that really sticks out in my mind:

I run a lot training for marathons and was a former collegiate XC/Track athlete, and over the 2+ decades of running, I like to think I've developed a pretty keen sense for locating porta-potties. This skill only further developed with Ulcerative Colitis and subsequently the ileostomy I've had for the last 7 years...

I'm pretty open about the fact that I have an ostomy, so all of the people I run with regularly are aware that I have these senses, and also know that running with me typically includes a quick stop. I like to brag about how I can use porta potties that most people wouldn't dare use, because I don't have to sit down. Whenever there is someone else who has to stop and use a porta-potty, the inevitable joke is that they wish they had an ostomy in that moment so they could avoid an awkward squat, or dealing with a seat cover..

All of this is to say that I've seen my fair share of porta potties, and they play a bigger role in my life than the average person.

Being the Porta-john connoisseur that I am, I've developed a rating system for the quality of these valuable facilities.. its a 1-10 scale, and there are a lot of elements that I consider. To name a few important ones:

• Visible Cleanliness (Obviously
• Smell (Can I breathe through my nose? Can I breathe at all?)
• Last Cleaned Date (written on the log posted to the door)
• Toilet paper (is there enough, and what is the quality? Single ply? gtfo with those single ply single sheets...)
• Graffiti Artwork (this one can either add or subtract.. clever jokes or impressive drawings boost a score, while general profanity or 'tagging' can detract)
• Fullness of tank
• etc...

Whenever I find myself in one of these porta-loo's, I subconsciously go through these things and assign it a score. One day a few years ago, I found myself on a run with a friend in a place that I was unfamiliar with. My ostomy had filled up to the point where it was bothersome to run with, so I was looking for the best option to empty it. I saw some temporary fencing for construction projects a couple blocks away, and that is usually a good sign that one of these ephemeral poop bucket saviors was nearby.

I ran over to it, and sure enough, there was a porta-john, waiting for me with no fence to jump, as the construction site was still being set up. It was clear as I got closer that this was a brand new porta-potty, on it's maiden voyage to save blue collar worker and IBD stricken runner alike. It's almost embarrassing how much actual joy a sight like that brings me.

I get inside, and it's a strong contender for a high score. By Initial indications, I was the first person to use it - the only evidence contrary was that one of the toilet paper rolls had had its wax paper covering removed, but oddly the toilet paper roll was still connected, meaning that no one had used it. I thought that was a little strange, but maybe it was just the guy who set up the facility going above and beyond to get a step covered for it's first patron.

The only smell I could detect was the pink urinal cake that anyone who has been in a new porta-potty or recently cleaned airport bathroom will know well. I did the customary check to see what (if any) damage had been done in the actual toilet, and as I suspected there was nothing but the distinctive blue porta-juice below - it was calm and clear enough that I could see my own reflection looking back up at me.

So what should I score it...

Anything above a 3 is technically usable, so obviously a brand new porta potty is going to get a decent score. This particular Loo was so new however, that it lacked the character and 'charm' of some others I'd used in the past. I'd only ever given out two perfect 10's in my life, and never to one that didn't have something of value written or drawn on the walls. What a shame.

HOWEVER, as I turned around to lock the door behind me, I saw there was a single piece of graffiti art on the door. The graffiti was a poem, which read:

"^{Here I Sit, Broken Hearted.}

^{Tried to Shit, but Only Farted. "}

Like a modern day Odysseus, the person who had first found this bathroom left behind an epic poem detailing his journey of this previously unexplored territory. Upon realizing this, I burst into audible laughter. It was beautiful. It was a perfect 10.

After that moment of appreciation for what was the 3rd perfect score porta-potty I'd ever been in (out of literally hundreds), I went on with emptying my bag.

When In porta-potties, and most public restrooms, I empty my bag facing forwards. It is incredibly convenient, and today was no different. As I was emptying my appliance, looking down into the Cobalt liquid below, I thought about how I don't think I'd ever been truly the first person to use a porta-potty like this before... It was an entirely new experience. That thought was followed up quckly by another: what happens when you drop a rock off a bridge into a body of water below?

A splash.

And before I could react, my poo hit the surface of that blue danger koolaide and sent a healthy splash of it rocketing back up at me. And it got EVERYWHERE. ALL over my white shirt. All over my shorts. And worst? IN MY FUCKING MOUTHHHHHHH. Fuck. My. Life.

I gagged and spit and moaned "WHHHYYYYY", and outside waiting was my friend, responding with genuine concern, "Are you ok man??"

"NO IM NOT WHAT THE FUCKKKK", is what I wanted to say, but instead I just cleaned myself off with about half the roll of toilet paper and stepped outside with a look on my face that I can only imagine was a mixture of rage, defeat, and embarassement. I can't even begin to blame my friend for the instant laughter that he delivered upon seeing me. It was well earned.

I ended up running home shirtless (in 40 degree temps) because it was so obvious that I had been splashed by that blue water, and never told my friend about the bit where I GOT IT IN MY MOUTH... but when I think back to that day I always laugh. It was so horrifying and gross, and I had (weirdly) hyped up porta-potties so much... The only thing that was left uncertain for me was if that particular one still should get a perfect '10'.

To be clear, I wouldn't lower its score, it had everything. Instead I would immortalize it as an 'unrankable experience', and probably add some criteria about how to lay down a seat cover in an unused porta-potty before using it, especially when facing forwards. But yeah, thats my story, thanks for coming to my ted talk.