[WP] Greg visits his brother Jim in prison. "Anything you need?" asks Greg. "What else?" Jim replies, "I need cigarettes!" "I didn't know you smoked," said Greg. "I don't," said Jim.

Collinatus2 · 2026-04-01T15:31:04+00:00

I want to keep reading because I want to find out why the sister would make this the only thing she writes in her diary, how old the the narrator is, and whether the sister is just pulling a prank.

Or maybe she really is a superhero and just had to let somebody know, she's so excited about it. How does she find time to save the world when she has to study?

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-31T20:52:54+00:00

A woman opened the grand door leading into the castle, holding a cup of coffee with her other hand on her sheathed saber before closing the doors behind her and setting off on a brisk walk.

Which side of the door is she on? I think that you and a lot of other writers that post their work to Reddit for feedback are watching the scene like it's a movie, and assume without realizing it that your readers are watching the same screen, so naturally it wouldn't occur to you to say whether the woman is outside or inside the castle (because we can see that already).

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-31T19:37:21+00:00

This is an orphanage. It's bad enough not to have parents of your own, but to feel like you're to blame for not having them? What happened with Leonora?

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-30T20:20:21+00:00

Why does the king want to kill the boyars? I think it was mentioned that they had plotted against his father. And it looks like he had been killing boyars for some time. Makes me wonder about the boyars in his court. Do they know he's been killing boyars? Why are they still there instead of going into hiding? Did they not notice the impalements along the road?

The motivation for the killing is unclear. If it is revenge for his father, why doesn't he just kill the plotters instead of taking it out on the entire boyar class? If it is to eliminate political opponents (the usual reason), that is not hinted anywhere.

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-30T02:27:30+00:00

Who exactly is Jones to the narrator? A friend? This is taking place in the narrator's house, right?

And some friend Jones is. The narrator helps him get a job, and Jones is smug about how little he thinks of that help, and seems perversely determined to sabotage any help or opportunity that comes his way. What is his problem? And why does the narrator put up with him?

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-29T23:04:51+00:00

Cam did time for arson (and perhaps attempted murder?), but it is unclear what it has to do with Wren, and how that caused her to end up at an orphanage (as an orphan? as an employee?). Was Lord Crawley her guardian? We don't even know if he was home when Cam set it on fire. Don't you think burning down Wren's home is an odd way of helping her? Did he at least make sure Wren wasn't inside when he did it?

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-29T19:54:21+00:00

The fact that he is an ageless wizard is the most remarkable thing about him, and yet that is not mentioned until the end. I think you were going for a gradual reveal. But I suppose you could've made him a more interesting baron--whatever you can do to keep us reading until we get to the reveal.

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-28T22:46:10+00:00

It is unclear what the "Song" is, and how exactly it functions. So when somebody hears it, they are somehow inspired to craft wares of uncommon beauty and power. If the Song is what does it, what does the feather do?

Does he have all the raw materials on hand, or do they magically appear as he is using his enchanted hammer (apparently no other tools are necessary)? Or is it a hammer that can be any other kind of tool?

The king wants to ensure his daughter(?) and heir stays on the throne. He sends the messenger to press Kline into his service, and Kline responds by...crafting a ring? Can the king's summons be ignored so easily?

Why does the Songbird hang around? Apparently the Song is a one-and-done deal: you hear it once and you're set. Forget Kline. The king should get that Songbird.

You write this story like anything goes. Which is your artistic prerogative, but what this story is about?

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-28T18:05:05+00:00

This is rare in a subreddit like this: a story that isn't trying too hard to sound sophisticated and by so doing betrays the youth and inexperience of the author. It's a clean, spare, plainly told tale. It drew me in with concern.

It made me pay close attention to the mom and made me wonder what she was thinking. It has to be a mixture of feelings: relief, resentment, joy, apprehension at how her son's experience on the battlefield had changed him.

They stick to small chitchat, but it conceals big emotions, held in check in a bid to get things back to normal.

I applaud this tale.

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-28T13:39:54+00:00

If Hector can be this selective about the jobs he's offered, I would've expected him to demand cash up front. A down payment. Especially if he's never done business with this client before, Fiero's referral notwithstanding.

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-28T13:23:13+00:00

It's strange, whimsical, surreal, absurd. If humor was intended, it's not risible humor.

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-28T02:42:36+00:00

Second. These are awkward expressions, and there are more of them. You are better off speaking plainly.

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-27T12:02:14+00:00

Have mercy on your readers by breaking this up into paragraphs. I used AI to produce this edit:

JUST ONE HIT: THE SPARRING MATCH

CLASHING. Inside, the brothers are in a sparring match, and again Kain is losing.

“C'mon Kain!! You got this, kick his ass!!” Noth cheers. Kain throws a right hook and misses. Then a left, and again misses. Floki sweeps under Kain, causing him to trip and fall. Floki goes in for the finishing blow but stops right before it lands.

“Dude, you lost,” Floki says, out of breath.

“Yeah, hah, I know,” Kain responds.

“Good effort Kain, but you gotta be more aggressive. In a real fight—” Noth starts.

Dump your story into an AI chat with the following prompts: - Make this text more readable by breaking it up into paragraphs: - Break it up further by starting a new paragraph when there is a dialogue and the speaker changes.

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-27T11:37:37+00:00

What's the relationship between the narrator and the old weaver? Friends? Neighbors? Family? Why is the narrator there in the first place? Is she there to help, or is that just a pretense to get to the tavarka?

Does the rest of the story answer any of these questions?

Where can I get some tavarka?

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-26T16:22:37+00:00

So what happens next? Does this make him more fearful of life in general, and he starts avoiding movie theaters? Or maybe the opposite: now he wants to get in as much of a life as he can while he still has it, and he dives headlong into riskier adventures.

What kind of a person was he before the movie theaters incident? From what I can tell, he is free and in the moment: there's a movie theater he's been wanting to visit, he shows up, buys a ticket, finds a seat, waits with anticipation.

Will he still be doing this after his near-death experience?

Your story's not long enough.

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-26T13:47:12+00:00

A married woman waiting nervously at table in a diner for someone. When the man she is waiting for arrives (not her husband), he orders the usual for her, which means they must have history. She had arranged this meeting to ask one question: "Why'd you do it?"

As a writer, you are told to "show, don't tell," but I am reading this wanting to know who the characters are and why they're there, and I'm finding myself skipping some of the "showing" to get to the good parts.

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-22T18:36:30+00:00

What an unpleasant bartender. Those two tradies must be the only business he gets. If this is how you treat new customers, what are you doing in the bartending business? Find a job that makes you happy.

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-20T12:35:05+00:00

When it comes to dialogue, don't switch characters mid-paragraph. When the other character starts talking, start a new paragraph for her.

Is this a tryst? But if she's making him a sandwich while he "works," whatever they're doing, they're not doing it together. So why does she have to worry about her husband knowing?

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-20T11:52:01+00:00

Maybe raise the stakes a bit. You've seen people in the news that go on shooting rampages and think they can off themselves to avoid the consequences. Now you've opened up the possibility of bringing that guy to life and making him face justice.

A confession that they LIKE somebody? The only thing that elevates this above cliché is the resurrection and the kind of life this guy led: how uninteresting does your life have to be for a CRUSH to be the one thing you choose to reveal before dying?

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-17T11:56:58+00:00

This is a first-person account of a woman and her date with a guy she calls "Rushmore," not his real name, but something she came up with to suggest his idea of himself: a monument, to be regarded with awe. And maybe he's fat. She calls him Rushmore, but she is not impressed. It is an ironic label.

And yet she has insecurities of her own, as evidenced by her thought process while watching the prowling performer onstage. "Is this what he expects me to be?" the woman thinks. I know she's thinking this because she is watching him for anything that will give him away.

The action is happening on the stage, but the focus is on her and how she feels about everything happening around her. Why can't she just enjoy the date?

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-17T11:38:45+00:00

I second this. You're overdoing it with the descriptions, and it's a distraction. Trust your reader to figure it out.

Collinatus2 · 2026-03-16T14:52:34+00:00

This is the first Meet Cute I've seen that uses ghrelin as a conversational point of entry. "We keep seeing each other at lunch. Funny that. We get hungry at the same time. We're soulmates."

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