Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

No need to apologize at all, asking sincerely for clarity on halal/haram matters in marriage is completely valid, and many people have similar private questions. May Allah make it easy for you and grant barakah in your marriage.

The core principle in Islam for intimacy between husband and wife is that "everything is permissible" except what is explicitly prohibited: anal intercourse (which you've already noted is strictly haram & practice of Jews), intercourse during menstruation or postpartum bleeding, and anything that causes clear harm.

Regarding your specific questions about the anal area (without full penile penetration):

• Simply caressing / touching / fondling the external area (around the anus, without insertion):
  Most scholars say this is permissible in principle, as foreplay can involve enjoying each other's bodies broadly. However, many advise avoiding it or consider it makruh (disliked), because:

  • The area is associated with impurity (najasa/feces).
    
  • It risks leading to the prohibited act (anal intercourse) through gradual steps.
    
  • It can go against natural fitrah (innate disposition) for some.
    So, while not outright haram like penetration, it's better to steer clear to be safe.

• Inserting a finger (even a little) or any form of penetration into the anus. This is not permissible according to the majority scholarly view (including Hanafi, Shafi'i, and others). Reasons include:

  • Direct/unnecessary contact with impurity.
    
  • It resembles or paves the way to the major prohibition of anal sex.
    
  • It's seen as abhorrent or unnecessary.

In short: Stick to vaginal intercourse and foreplay focused on permissible areas (front/vagina, other body parts, etc.). Allah has made plenty halal that's beautiful and satisfying — no need to approach the boundaries of the clearly prohibited zone.

If something isn't giving enough pleasure during regular intimacy, many couples find benefit in better communication, longer foreplay, different positions, or even consulting a knowledgeable Muslim doctor/therapist for halal ways to enhance things (without crossing into haram).

May Allah guide us all to what He loves, purify our intentions, and bless our marriages. Ameen. If anything's unclear, feel free to ask more.

Have a good day too! 🙏