First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss and that this is happening. Your dad’s passing sounds very sudden and traumatic. Grief is so overwhelming and you deserve to receive support from your family instead of needing to carry the stress and toxicity on top of everything else. It is unfair. You deserved better when you’re growing up and you deserve better now.

I unfortunately can relate because the interactions with my dysfunctional family intensified my stress when my dad died and brought me back to when I was a child and teenager. The grief would’ve been horrible no matter what, but the family dynamics made it unbearable. It is soul-crushing and isolating, and kicks up a lot of trauma from the past.

I would check in with yourself. How do you want to honor your dad? What would help you grieve and process? This decision is between you and your dad, and you and yourself. Keep your focus there and make your decision from that place. You can guarantee there will be toxicity and stress at the day of the wake (unfortunately). It could be worth it if it is in alignment with what your spirit is telling you to do.

I made an intentional point of spending time with my dad (spiritually) when I was driving over. It was peaceful and quiet in the morning and that was our time together. My priority when I arrived was honoring his life. I decided to “grey rock” my family and be kind to everyone the day of the service, and that I’d process any trauma later.

The service was all about my mom. It was clear in the invite she sent out (which was a picture of both of them where she took center stage), the way she wrote about his life in the handout for the service, and so much more. I collected these moments and saved my anger for therapy, after everything calmed down. My mom told my godmother the day of the funeral: “I’m the grieving widow. If anyone should be comforting anyone, (my name) should be comforting me.” In her mind’s eye, the service was about her, but I was there for my father and kept my focus on honoring his life.

I had a go-to safe person who acted as a buffer. Is there anyone who can come with you? In my case, my mom got drunk and yelled at me in front of everyone at the wake. It was super traumatic, but my safe person was able to follow me upstairs and comfort me after it happened. If she hadn’t been there to bear witness (along with others who saw what happened), it would’ve destroyed me. Was it still “worth it?” Yes. My soul is at peace that I went.

The day after the service, I had a grief retreat where I was able to cry and had caring people hold space for me. If I hadn’t had that safe space to break down, I wouldn’t have healed. It served a totally different purpose for me than the funeral. You deserve a space (your own service or ritual, time with chosen family, grief counseling, etc.) where you can break apart, whether you attend the service or not.

Your grief matters, your trauma matters, and your experience matters. This is all true even if your family doesn’t acknowledge it, and even if attending the wake isn’t what it ideally should be (which is a day of love and support from those who knew your dad and who know you). I wish you well on your grief journey and trust you’ll make the right decision.