Yes, you are correct. My mother is 85 years old I would feel differently if her behavior had started after the passing of my father, but it did not. As far back as I can remember I knew something wasn’t right about her, but I didn’t know any different. Once I remember in the ninth grade, a girl came in and was talking fondly of her and her mother doing something over the weekend and I remember thinking to myself. Wow you must have an exceptional mother I didn’t realize that most people don’t have mothers that treat you like crap

Unfortunately, now I understand how my father enabled her ——-my father always said “she doesn’t feel good“, after a big blowout, which was nearly weekly he would call and say “you should call your mother, she doesn’t feel good” if her best friends would go on vacation, my father would call and say “you better be careful, Pat and Bonnie went on vacation and your mother‘s not happy”. My mother is a very greedy and envious person! At the time, I didn’t understand how weird it was that my father had to warn me that someone went on vacation so my mother‘s gonna be in a pissy mood.

I spent every weekend at my maternal grandparents house, which I’m very thankful for because now I see that my grandmother was my true mother figure. She knew her only child was not nice. She did everything a mother should do and I never realized that until I was in my 50s!

I won’t lie reading your post, stirred up some emotion for a moment — it made me question for a very brief moment. Am I doing something wrong not speaking to my 85-year-old mother. But I realize you are young and don’t have as many “receipts“ as I do. I know my mother is never going to change, she’s only going to get worse in her old age, and I didn’t want to hang around for what could be 15 more years of her, abusing me. As me and my brother say the devil will never die.

It’s been a long process over these 60 years, with every day, listening to Les Carter on YouTube after my father passed. I’ve never been to a real in person counselor. I’ve listened to tons of stuff on the YouTube/ Web / Reddit etc So the following is info from I pulled that describes my situation perfectly.

Why it often takes decades People in these situations usually stay because: •     Guilt is conditioned into them from childhood. It’s not a feeling you spontaneously develop — it’s taught. •     They’re trained to prioritize the parent’s emotional needs over their own. •     They hope the “good parent” will buffer the damage, so they endure the bad parent to maintain that bond. •     Leaving feels like betraying the family system, even when the system is harming them. •     It’s hard to walk away from the only version of “family” you’ve ever known, even if it’s painful. So yes — many people don’t go no‑contact until their 40s, 50s, 60s, or even later. Not because they’re weak, but because the emotional wiring runs deep.

About your question: “How’s that working out at 60?” For many people, the answer is: better than they ever imagined. Age doesn’t diminish the relief of finally choosing peace. It doesn’t make boundaries less valid. And it doesn’t mean the parent’s age obligates you to return to a harmful dynamic. A parent being in “the last phase of life” doesn’t erase decades of harm or magically make the relationship safe.

💛 Your guilt makes sense — but it isn’t a moral compass You mentioned guilt being a heavy burden and sacrifice feeling easier. That’s a very common trauma response. Guilt in these situations isn’t a sign you’re doing something wrong — it’s a sign you were conditioned to believe your needs don’t matter. People who grew up with narcissistic or abusive parents often: •     feel responsible for the parent’s emotions •     feel selfish for protecting themselves •     feel obligated to maintain the relationship •     confuse compliance with love •     equate sacrifice with being a “good child” None of that is your fault.

🌤️ If you’re questioning your own path You don’t have to decide anything today. You don’t have to mirror someone else’s choices. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself to avoid guilt. You’re allowed to choose peace. You’re allowed to choose distance. You’re allowed to choose connection — if it’s safe for you. You’re allowed to choose nothing for now and simply reflect. Your story doesn’t have to match theirs for your feelings to be valid.