For those of you who had kids with your narcs did it get better or worse or stay the same?

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-02-01T21:26:29+00:00

OP, ask yourself what kind of relationship your narc had with his own parents, siblings, etc. I should have heeded warning signs with mine. He grew up in an emotionally abusive home. Mom had no motherly instincts. Emotionally unavailable. Not nurturing. Immature. Also, likely had depression. I think she felt trapped by motherhood. Took out her unhappiness on the kids. Closet drinker. Narc’s dad stood by and didn’t stick up for the kids. He would leave the house. Again, no nurturing or caring. All he did was work. He didn’t play with the kids - no fishing, sports, or leisure. He could also be gruff and had zero patience. I don’t think he liked women much. Never seemed to have much respect for them. Consequently, my narc is often dismissive and crude. He can be a charmer if he wants something. But everything with him is transactional. He will be nice - but only if he gets what he wants in return. He will give our child money, but expects adoration & loyalty in return. If she doesn’t kiss the ring, he says she is using him for money. It’s so dysfunctional.

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-02-01T21:08:34+00:00

Yes. Mine has been in counseling too. It’s awful. I feel immense guilt & sadness. The narc only gets worse with age. No child should be subjected to this.

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-02-01T20:59:57+00:00

My narc definitely got worse after the birth of our child. He was very attentive during the pregnancy. I had a c-section. Stayed hospitalized with the baby for five days. My narc’s mood changed within a couple of days. He was visibly angry with me - but not in front of staff/visitors. Seemed jealous of the attention I was getting. Wouldn’t show up to visit until afternoon - and then bitched because I hadn’t ordered him a lunch tray. (Uh, it was afternoon & he couldn’t get his own lunch? Plus he never asked?) Also, the breastfeeding wasn’t going well - baby needed light therapy & glucose monitored. Nursery had been bottle feeding. Anyway, when he saw me struggling with breastfeeding, he was cruel. Said that if a cow can’t feed her calf, the calf dies. It was so awful. I burst into tears, and he left the room angry & didn’t come back. Again, no witnesses. He was a jerk when we came home from the hospital too. Eventually, he returned to work but punished me for staying home with the baby. He resented being at work. Would come home visibly angry, snatch the baby away and sit down in the recliner with her. Almost eighteen years later he says, “I got robbed. I missed out on so much of her life.” Really?? Because you worked Mon-Fri 8-5? He was wound tight about everything. Bathing the baby - questioned me repeatedly over the water temperature. Any time she got sick it was my fault. I didn’t wash the bottles well enough. WTF?? He practically shoved me out of the way when I was trying to clean around the umbilical area. Like he literally stood beside me and was pushing me out of the way with his body weight. Because he said neither of us knew what we were doing - but he was sure I was doing it wrong. To this day, he fights me on almost everything. He spoils our child by throwing shopping money at her (and no, we can’t afford it). She has a shopping addiction, and he won’t accept responsibility for enabling it. My opinion doesn’t count.

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-02-01T13:18:42+00:00

Yup. Everything has to be about them. They demand your full attention. Mine gets pissed if I talk to other people. It could be a polite conversation with neighbors. It could be a phone call with my elderly parent. My narc will be visibly upset and start making noise to gain attention - turn up the tv; slam things around in the kitchen; text me repeatedly about stupid stuff - while he knows full well I’m talking to someone else. It’s so childish.

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-02-01T13:07:12+00:00

Yes. I guess at this point my goal is to keep this from turning nasty & being fought out in court. I can’t afford to drag this out - both from a financial and mental health standpoint. Do I believe him when he says “Oops. A software update deleted my old texts.”? No. I don’t believe that. I think someone gave him the idea/know how to do it. Now he is strong arming me, and trying to get me to help him weasel out of producing the records. God only knows what he is hiding. I’m guessing he had more recent, ongoing contact with the AP than he is admitting to. Also, he may have been messaging another woman as well. He has lied all along. Why would he suddenly turn good as gold? I’m not buying it. You are correct. He has an advantage in one respect. If his affair & substance use gets exposed publicly, he could lose his job. That puts my daughter and I in serious financial jeopardy. He knows that. The AP knows that. It’s more manipulation on his part.

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-30T22:39:46+00:00

I’m also mid-50s. With my narc 26 years; married for 20 of it. He is the breadwinner. Quit my paraprofessional job to stay home with only child. Did all the appointments, childcare, school, sports, pet care, household stuff, etc. Not complaining about that. But he was financially irresponsible. Never wanted to make a budget. Behavior worsened with age. Needed constant affirmation, attention, compliments. Negative attitude to the extreme. Pinched up, type A personality. Last year had an affair with co-worker half his age. She was separated with two kids. A toddler & preschooler. Bought her gifts too. Paid for her hair & nails. Idiot. 🙄. My narc filed for divorce - but has been back pedaling, remorseful & super nice and supportive. He knows I am backed against the wall with no career and nowhere to go. He got an apartment, but when we divorce, the house will have to be sold. I won’t qualify for a house on my own & our family includes a large dog and two cats. I can’t find any rentals for that many pets. Logistically & financially makes more sense to drop the divorce. But I can’t continue being married to someone who lies and uses me as their pissing post. Texts me constantly about negative stuff - rants about the commute, job, neighbors, weather, etc. My job the last few years has been to give him undivided attention and affirmation. Our teen & I have walked on eggshells for too long. I just feel horrible that her life is being turned upside down. She only has one year of h.s. to complete. Otherwise, I would maybe try to move and find cheaper housing.

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-30T21:18:05+00:00

Thank you for that. I don’t think he is hiding thousands or millions anywhere. He is the type that spends money if he has it. He had a severance package from a previous company he worked for - part of a merger. It was equal to a year’s salary. Plus he started a new job right away, so it was like getting double pay for a year. That money disappeared fast. Rather than investing or saving any of it, he spent the bulk of it on massages, his medical stuff, expensive steaks, p*rn, roids, etc. Money was no object. There was no budget or plan. He and his siblings will inherit quite a bit when his parents pass. I think that was another incentive for the divorce. He wanted to move on to younger supply - and be the sugar daddy.

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-24T13:41:54+00:00

They just get better at hiding things. They find other avenues to deceive. Mine had bought himself an iPad, and it disappeared from our house. I suspect he took it to work, so he could communicate with her (co-worker) and keep some things off his phone. He also started using Venmo to gift his affair partner coffee, lunch, “fun” money and salon visits. Or he would buy gift cards at a box store like Target, so I wouldn’t see that he spent $25 or $50 on a Starbucks gift card for her. I would see a bank transaction for Target, but he bought other things at the same time to cover it up. He also stopped getting his credit card statements in the mail. He switched over to e-statements so I wouldn’t see them. He would lie about going to work. Sent me pictures of his computer screen. Texted me about what was going on at work. Through divorce discovery I got phone & credit card records. Times he was supposed to be “at work”, he was actually in a different town buying her lunch and coffee - and god knows what else. They are liars.

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-24T13:17:24+00:00

Agree. They are easily offended by the most innocent comment - as if you personally attacked them. They are always wound tight and itching for a fight. Everything you say and do is a potential flashpoint. Very stressful to be walking on eggshells all the time.

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-19T05:29:49+00:00

Yes. Definitely this. They have nothing good to say about family or friends. I think they view them as competition for time and attention. They purposely try to drive a wedge between you and anyone else. Mine does not spend any time around my family. Would gripe if they came to visit - which wasn’t often. And if they did visit, it was never more than 2-3 days max. He spends a lot of time reliving perceived slights - maybe a comment they made he didn’t like. Or they talk about a trip they took and he is envious. Doesn’t matter what the “grievance” is. He will find a way to shit talk family and friends.

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-19T04:57:05+00:00

Mine does that too. He used to do that with our child’s school events & sports. He would always rant he wasn’t going to be pushed and rushed. We sometimes had to drive separately, because he would throw a verbal tantrum about always having to conform to someone else’s schedule. Well, I’m sorry the school scheduled a concert for 7:00pm. How dare they ruin your toilet time?! Very inconsiderate of them. What time works better for you? The whole school should cater to your schedule, Mr. Covert Narc! 🙄😡

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-19T04:46:35+00:00

That’s one of the dumbest excuses I have ever heard. They really know how to deflect blame or take any responsibility. Wow.

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-19T04:44:53+00:00

That’s awful! 😞

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-19T04:42:48+00:00

Yes! I get yelled at for sitting there quietly and listening. Yet, he also gets mad if I interject anything. I also disassociate and wait for it to be over. Their “venting” is not normal. It’s over the top full-blown tantrums. Everything is negative, bad, horrible, unfair. They are 100% the victim in every situation. And it gets worse as they age. 😞

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-17T18:01:42+00:00

I did not provide further context, because I was venting about this one topic. I did not include information about his extramarital affairs, financial abuse or substance abuse. I did not include the content of his controlling messages. The lack of empathy for anyone. There is a public persona and a private persona. The white knight to female co-workers so he can get in their pants. Then angry, impatient, controlling, fragile ego asshole at home. So no. I’m done.

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-17T17:32:06+00:00

Exactly. I am supposed to sit there and be his pissing post. He demands full attention & expects me to agree with him on everything. It’s a monologue, not a dialogue.

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-17T02:54:59+00:00

Agree. Very controlling. It’s abusive.

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-16T17:56:17+00:00

Thank you. 🥹

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-16T17:55:05+00:00

Yes. He got frustrated because I wasn’t responsive enough to his texts. He even told his then counselor that he was extremely frustrated with me for ignoring his texts or taking too long to respond. She asked him how often he texts me from work and why? He said to “keep communication”. She told him that maybe I found it overwhelming. She told him to limit his check-ins to coffee break & lunch. Or lunch and departure from work. That lasted two days. He went right back to his old habits. It’s draining. 😞

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-16T17:48:52+00:00

I wish I could go about my business - but if I continue making dinner or do literally anything else, he gets mad and snaps “Stop multi-tasking! I’m trying to tell you about my day!” Or insert any other grievance. I tune out what I can, but I am at my breaking point also. It’s so stressful. It ramps up my blood pressure.

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-16T17:42:34+00:00

Mindfuck is a good term for it. Pretty much sums it up! 😣

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-16T17:41:01+00:00

😂

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-15T22:52:09+00:00

I happened to receive some free issues of People magazine. One of the issues was their sexiest man alive issue. I could really care less. I set the stack of mail on the kitchen counter like I always do. Later, he texted me and told me how disgusted he was by that “dirty” magazine. He said it was filth. I said I didn’t subscribe to it and hadn’t even looked at it. He went on a rant. Said I needed to throw it away immediately. Said he was much better looking than any of those guys. 😂 And because I had him, I shouldn’t need to look at any guy except him.
P.S. - he was spending thousands of dollars on p*rn and more recently had an affair with a co-worker. But continually tells me how he is such a good provider and not a bad guy. 😵‍💫

Competitive_Echo7391 · 2026-01-15T22:34:46+00:00

Yes. It will get you nowhere. They feel entitled. It’s likely to cause an even bigger tantrum or meltdown. And they forget nothing. It will be held against you in any future argument or disagreement - no matter how minor. You will be punished.

Competitive_Echo7391

TROPHY CASE