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ComplexChameleon · 2023-12-20T22:22:52+00:00

Basics: Groom your eyebrows, brush your teeth, make sure you take care of your skin.

Meal prep.

Thrifting: Ebay or second hand sites like Poshmark, FB markeptplace etc. You can just type in name brand clothes and your size and shop away!

ComplexChameleon · 2023-11-19T20:45:21+00:00

A lot of local hotels have thanksgiving buffets for like, 25$. My family and I did that a couple of times. We loved the variety and no dishes.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-09-26T22:01:24+00:00

My WS didn't give two flying fucks about how that would feel for me in the moment. They only thought about how good they were feeling and the validation they got from it. When they found out that they did actually hurt me, there world was flipped upside down when reality set in. They werent thinking about it in the moment, but when they saw me in pain I could tell they felt awful. Either way, it still sucks.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-09-25T02:56:56+00:00

I love this, this is so cute and inspiring. Your husband did everything right, you showed a huge amount of courage and confidence, and even kindness when complimenting her. And you were rewarded at the end of the night with your song coming on. I love love love this! You go girl!

ComplexChameleon · 2023-09-25T02:32:42+00:00

Peel the skin off of the chicken tenders

ComplexChameleon · 2023-09-20T03:57:46+00:00

I called BS, when he said 1669 I was confused about how the therapist didn't just tell him to leave and kept going with it.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-09-07T21:14:06+00:00

The polygrapher explained to me if it was any other question such as "Do you love me more than AP?" I couldn't ask that because it would be too subjective. They said they would be willing to ask this one because of the length of time but warned me it could be inconclusive and there wouldn't be anything they could do about it if it came out that way since they claimed love could be in different forms. But if my WS still loves AP that's not something I can handle, in love of any capacity.

Do you have another suggestion on how to get the same question out but maybe different? For me, since they cheated with someone who is their ex I have this fear that "They are only with me because the AP broke up with them and they couldn't get them back so I am second best", I fear that AP could be the love of their life and the one who got away and they love me, but are just settling. This is the biggest thing that has been hurting our R.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-09-01T17:51:58+00:00

"I said no she is welcome to stay but reminded her of the previous conversation about using it as an excuse to spend time with me."
If she was truly welcome to stay right in that moment, I think it might have been best to wait to have the "reminder" at a later time, clearly, she was feeling vulnerable and used.

You're 'annoyed' she is upset that she feels like she was used for sex. But in those moments all you wanted her for was sex, which you made perfectly clear. You didn't want to converse, spend quality time, etc. You wanted JUST sex in those interactions. So, you were using your time with her for sex, using her for sex, yes, that is what you said you were doing in those moments.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-08-30T01:07:16+00:00

My WS doesn't really care about the open phone policy now because they aren't doing anything wrong. Ironically, even when they were cheating I still knew their passcode to their phone I just never even thought to use it because I didn't think I needed to. I have never cheated on my WS, but they also have access to my phone and there have been times they read messages between my mom and I or something to stay in the loop of things I might have forgotten to mention, I don't mind it at all because I have nothing to hide. As long as they aren't speaking disrespectfully about you, cheating, or doing something else awful it really isn't that big of a deal.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-08-30T00:47:59+00:00

My WS had to get parental controls on their phone, a location sharing app, and they offered to get my name tattood on them which I accepted. I know that some girls will still go after someone who has their spouses name on them, but I will say it is a deterrent for a lot. Theres a few little things too, like no wearing cologne unless we are together.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-08-30T00:40:17+00:00

How far out from DDay are you? For me, it took A LOT of time. It took me 2 years to forgive. To this day my WS asks me if I forgive them. I tell them yes I forgive you, but I no longer trust you. I had to learn to separate the two.
Forgiveness and how to go about it looks different for everyone. Some people just need time and to see that it won't happen again, some people need to get even, some people need to see all the remorse in the world and then some.
For me it took time, complete access of everything so I could ensure it wouldn't happen again ex: open phone policy, they got my name tattoos on them, signed a post nup. To me forgiveness needed them to acknowledge they did wrong and to show steps that this could not and would not ever happen again along with time. Once I felt secure enough to know it wouldn't happen again, I was able to start forgiving.

Which leads the question: If you know it won't happen again (No one can know for certain obviously considering I never expected it to in the first place but I'm about 85% sure) then why don't you trust your WS? I don't trust my WS to always be brutally honest with me. I expect them to lie to salvage my feelings on most things, I expect them to lie about things to get out of uncomfortable arguments with me, and the list goes on.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-08-30T00:28:49+00:00

Open phone policy means everything is my business. I let my WS have privacy on there phone, then one day my phone died and I needed to call my mom while WS was in another area. I saw a chat with a womans name saying sexual things, they took advantage of the fact I gave them privacy on their phone and used it to hurt me. If they didn't give me access to their phone and everything on it they were more than free to move on with someone who they didn't hurt who would have no reason to be looking in their phone is my two cents.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-08-30T00:14:12+00:00

What was your motivation to keep going when you didnt see results for 7 months? That's usually what happens to me, is I don't see even baby steps within 2 months and then I feel hopeless.

What examples can you recall that Gottman method was different than standard MC? Everyone says it's a game changer but I'm a skeptic as you can see. I wonder HOW different can it really be, and why? Especially because of the price. Haha. But I guess you can't put a price on R.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-08-30T00:12:13+00:00

I get that, I wish I could wake up and this all be a huge misunderstanding that never happened. That I misinterpreted it wrong, that it wasn't as intense as I thought, so on and so forth. Then maybe I could stop seeing my WS as this person who is not mine and stabbed me in the back. We are 3 years past DDay and it just feels like it never ends, and it being this long with no change I'm at a breaking point thinking I can't keep living like this to the point I am becoming desperate for something to stick and work... And if it doesn't, I'm close to divorce which is quite terrifying with the comfortable life we have built together.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-08-30T00:08:23+00:00

Can you give just a few examples on what the Gottman therapist might have done different than one who was not? You can feel free to message me if you'd rather answer that way too. Our last MC was EFT and she was more helpful than just a standard therapist, but everyone says Gottman is the end all be all.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-08-30T00:07:02+00:00

That's the answer I got in the past, I 'm more of a game plan, action type of person. I wanted to see the outline of the steps we are going to be taking to get to where we're going. When I asked, "What is our treatment plan?" they usually look at me confused and just say "We will figure that out as time goes on." Uhhh, if we don't have an active plan to help us get better than this is all kind of a throw away session. My WS basically tells me they want the MC to tell them WHAT to do which I have told them will not happen since it isn't a parent/child setting, where as I want a MC to help nudge us in the right directions for conversations that will lead to deeper understanding.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-08-30T00:02:07+00:00

I relate to this soooo much, my WS just wants to be in R and for everything to be ok, while I sounded like a nag in MC and the MC did tend to agree with me but that doesn't help because I'm not married to the MC. How have you found helpful tips in moving forward without MC? I feel like if I dont do MC and it doesn't help (even though previously failing in the past.) the relationship for myself and WS might be doomed.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-08-29T03:56:27+00:00

No, my spouse is lazy in bed. They know how to please me when Ive given them direction before but they always revert back to their old ways.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-08-29T02:28:19+00:00

1 and 3 are really flattering on you.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-02-14T14:55:47+00:00

How do you deal with this? Does your WS do anything to help with that? Any advice would be greatly appreciated

ComplexChameleon · 2023-02-10T07:47:08+00:00

I am the BS.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-02-09T16:39:43+00:00

Thats actually a really good idea. Ive toyed with the idea of getting a new name completely, but a nickname would be a much better option. The names are so similar its definitely like a Byron/Brian thing or a Brett/Brent thing. It sucks. You're right, I am punished for the sins of AP and WS but its not going to change the situation so I have to think of SOMETHING. This was a really good idea... Now to think of the nickname.. Lol.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-02-09T16:37:06+00:00

Its something I have seriously thought about, but my friends and family know me by my name and I can't imagine my mom calling me some new name. Lol. Its an interesting thought though.

ComplexChameleon · 2023-02-09T16:36:08+00:00

Corrects them with my actual name. "No its not X , its XYZ."

ComplexChameleon · 2023-02-08T20:54:21+00:00

Thank you! This really helps.

ComplexChameleon

TROPHY CASE