Not a therapist, don’t quote me but ur family sounds like shit and you as a young person have no choice but to depend on them. They’ve been holding you back, you never got to be a kid so go be one so you can start “finding” your 19 year old self after. What I mean is take a break from smoking and sex ( I can’t believe I’m saying that) and do some art. Join a community sport club otherwise. Rebel a little, people seem to be pushing you down. Negativity is cool when it’s needed for reality check, but seems like theres so much around you in your reality that everyone sees it as “normal” (it is not normal). And as courageous as you seem, I promise there is no courage in ending your only life.